


The Seed and the Soil

by River_of_Dreams



Series: Interwoven [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel & Vessel Interactions, Case Fic, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health Issues, Mostly fluff anyway, Multi, Multiple Personality Disorder, PTSD, Slow Burn, a whole cast of OCs, at least I hope I'll get it out of pre-slash, probably lots of meta, self-harm (mentioned/implied)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-02-07 02:47:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 49,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12831693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River_of_Dreams/pseuds/River_of_Dreams
Summary: Several months after the events of The Lion and the Prisoner, Gadreel and his vessel are still trying to find their balance in a life that is both too good to be true and not quite what they want.There is the old desire: not only to live, but to matter.So of course the very first case they stumble upon will reach Heaven itself.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. I have only a very vague idea what I’m doing here. I just want to try and write Sadreel (and more). I have the main theme and the vaguest outline of the plot.  
> The last time I took a similar leap of faith, I ended up writing a 112k words long story.  
> Let’s hope I’ll manage to finish this one, too.  
> I’d prefer something around 40k words this time, though, thank you very much.
> 
> This story is diverges from canon sometime in the first half of S10. Actually, this story adamantly ignores everything that happened on the show since at least half of S10. There’s no Darkness, no more deaths in the family, and TFW either found a different way to get rid of the Mark, or Dean learned to control it.  
> In short, life is as good as it ever gets for the Winchesters.  
> Probably much better to be honest.

Liam wiped down another glass and glanced out of the corner of his eye at the hunter, curious.

It was usually at least two of them here, either the two brothers, or one of them and Castiel.

Liam liked Castiel, and so did Gadreel. Dean made them both nervous, still, but he tolerated them, mostly for Castiel’s sake, Liam suspected.

Sam… Sam seemed to have more issues than the rest of them combined, which said a lot, but he was also a genuinely caring person. Liam would ask him if anything happened to the other two, but Sam didn’t seem especially tense, much less stricken with grief.

Liam slid him another beer and earned a brief half-smile.

“Thanks.“

They didn’t talk until after Liam’s shift, when they walked side by side to their usual testing place.

“So, how’s Gadreel holding up?“

Liam smiled, feeling Jay – and more faintly, David – crowd curiously against his consciousness. Gadreel, as per usual when either hunter was around, made himself scarce.

“He’s doing good. Unbelievably good, considering. Sometimes I think he’s trying to turn our apartment into a greenhouse, though. I had to explain to him our landlord would throw us out if he drilled holes into the floor to make them into flower pots.“

Sam actually chuckled at that, the sound warm in the crisp night air.

The feelings it stirred in Liam were… complicated.

He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his hoodie to avoid accidentally brushing against the hunter and just enjoyed the closeness.

It was strange, really. They were four in one, he was never alone unless he negotiated for it, or unless he was doing something so boring that even ever-patient Gadreel let himself be lured off to one of Jay or David’s adventures. Despite that, he still yearned for company he couldn’t find inside his own head – the warmth of another body to curl next to, and somebody to get to know.

At which point, of course, his own issues reared their ugly heads, making romance as out of his reach as owning a house. Maybe that was why he liked Sam’s company so much. Sam already knew so many of his secrets, half of those issues didn’t seem to matter when it came to him.

They arrived at their destination shortly, slipping through a gap in a chain link fence and wading through dry, knee-high weeds towards the dilapidated house on the other end of the property and the shed plastered to its side. It wasn’t much, but it was shelter, so Liam had expected it to be occupied. However, more than a few homeless people had been found there dead over the years. Apparently, it earned the place enough of a bad reputation among them that nobody tried to claim it for themselves, not even over winter.

It wasn’t until the Winchesters came looking for a private enough place to paint a sigil that they discovered and got rid of the ghost.

Sam had explained to him, after, that hunters usually looked for cases in local newspapers; a couple of deaths that were chalked up to alcohol poisoning, overdose or hypothermia and never made anything but a footnote couldn’t ping their radar.

Liam hated the place, hated the reminder how little he meant to anybody for most of his life, one way or another, but it was better than having the sigil painted in his own home.

It was completely dark in the shed, until Sam turned on the flashlight he carried and checked all the corners. The shed was empty, save for a stack of loose boards leaning against the only brick wall there. Sam set the flashlight on the ground to provide what little illumination it would while Liam started working, setting the boards aside. When Sam joined him, he simply handed each to him, leaving it up to the hunter where they will end up.

Soon the wall underneath revealed the sigil. Liam wrinkled his nose when he saw the darker smudge in its middle.

“Let’s get it over with,“ Sam murmured next to him. The dim light of the flashlight glinted off the edge of a knife he drew when Liam made space for him by the sigil. Jay drew back at the sight, leaving them alone.

“Do you have to do it like this?“ Liam asked at the last moment.

Sam stopped, the blade already set against his palm.

“Like what?“

“You are going to cut your tendons one of these days – and you don’t have Castiel here today. Are you going to let Gadreel heal you if that happens?“

Sam hesitated, then rolled up his sleeve instead.

Liam turned away, because this was safer, but not easier to witness.

The wet sound of an open palm hitting the wall and the familiar, sickening sense of his stomach dropping came sooner than he expected them, making him curl in on himself before he straightened.

“You always flinch when we do this,“ Sam commented thoughtfully behind him. “Why?“

Liam shook his head and waited a moment, till he heard the soft rustling of a bandage being applied. Only then did he turn back.

“We don’t know. Gadreel always goes as far back as he can before you hit the sigil, but it’s always a shock anyway. It’s as if you took part of me and sucked it into a black hole. There’s always that one second when the rest of me follows.“

He watched Sam tear the end of the bandage in two with his teeth and stepped in to help him tie it off. Only when Sam gave him a strange look, he realized he should have asked.

“Sorry,“ he muttered.

“No, that’s fine. Thanks.“

Embarrassed anyway, Liam started shifting the boards back over the sigil.

“So he still behaves, I guess,“ Sam stated more than asked and joined him. Liam didn’t waste oxygen trying to convince the man to leave it up to him, but he made sure he handed him the boards already in place, so the only thing Sam had to do was to lean them back against the wall.

Of course Sam wasn’t about to let him do that, so they were done in record time, both of them trying to outdo the other.

Jay doubtlessly would have snickered at them if she hung around at the moment, but she rarely came back before she made sure Gadreel was okay.

“Yes, he does.“

Liam gave Sam a side-eyed glance and went to fetch the flashlight.

“Actually, I’ve been meaning to ask how long you want to keep this up. I think all it does at this point is to slow down his recovery.“

Their fingers brushed when Sam accepted the handle from him. Liam stuck his hands back into his hoodie.

“You really trust him,“ came another non-question in the near dark.

The cone of light was illuminating the coarse boards rather than either of them.

“I think he can’t really learn if he’s afraid to make a single misstep.“

“And you believe that you won’t regret it if you let him make mistakes.“

A muscle in Liam’s jaw jumped.

“Sam, he should be an equal. That’s the only way this can work. Right now, he isn’t. You’ve made us all into his parole officers, ones who watch his every move twenty-four-seven. I think it says a lot that he didn’t take off with us yet.“

“You think he could?“

For the first time, Liam hesitated.

“I don’t know. I do know I don’t want to see what he’ll do this time if we push him into another dead end.” He sighed, shifted his weight on the dusty ground. “Don’t get me wrong, I think he really appreciates what he has. He has his flowers and his bird feeders, we even got a dog, though that was more David than him-“

He trailed off when Sam perked up. Even in the dark, his sudden interest was rather blatant. Liam grinned.

“What? Want to see him?“

Reluctantly, the hunter shrugged.

“Later?“

He very decidedly wasn’t meeting Liam’s eyes. Liam’s grin widened before he wrestled it back under control so that it wouldn’t color his voice.

“Okay. I have to take him for a walk anyway once we’re done here. You can join us.“

“You were talking about Gadreel,“ Sam reminded him, still bashful and trying not to let it show.

Liam’s shoulders hunched.

“It’s just… He never complains, but he once held down the most important job in all of Creation for crying out loud. I can’t imagine he wouldn’t want something more eventually. And I’m not sure I’ll manage to convince him to ask for it when we treat him like this.“

Sam considered it, his face pale in the faint light.

“How about you? What do you want?“

Liam let out a short laugh.

“You mean if I’m projecting? Maybe.“

He took a last look around, then ducked through the low door, breathing in the fresh night air gratefully. They didn’t speak again until they were safely off the property, walking to Liam’s home.

“See, it used to be a challenge just to have any kind of a decent life. And yeah, I’m proud how well we did before Gadreel, and no, he didn’t remove all our problems, but he did make it easier. So now I wonder what to do, knowing what’s out there.“ He made a face. “I’m not selfless enough to give up everything and travel from case to case, that’s not… I’m not going to be homeless ever again if I can help it. But there must be something to do even for broke angel vessels.”

If Sam judged him, he politely kept it to himself.

“There is always research,“ he offered.

“Sam, I’m a high school drop-out. Giving me anything to research would be irony of the highest caliber. But I was thinking… There must be so many cases that never make it to you hunters. So maybe I could stay here, and just walk through the city. Make sure there’s nothing going on.“

Sam gave him a strange look.

“You really are the same, aren’t you? Two guardians…“ Sam trailed off, suddenly uncertain, and Liam smiled crookedly.

“With dark pasts? Absolutely. It had been my first hint there was something strange about Gadreel, actually. The first thing he did was to offer us protection, which just… doesn’t happen. I was the protector in the system, how dare he?“

Liam was outright grinning at the end, though Sam’s answering smile was weak.

“Liam…” He stopped, forcing Liam to do the same to face him. Sam wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Is he back already? Can I talk to him?“

Liam froze in surprise, the awareness of how profound shift in their standing this could mean rooting him to the spot. Ever since coming back, Gadreel only talked to either of the Winchester brothers once, and that was to let Dean threaten him and tell him to stay away from Sam. Liam knew because it had been so soon after his return that Gadreel wasn’t strong enough, either emotionally or at all, to keep the rest of them out when he was in control.

That wasn’t the case anymore, and Liam wondered if he’d have to pick up the pieces of his angel after the conversation Sam had in mind.

“I’ll ask him.“

Barely registering the tiny nod of confirmation from Sam, he turned inside.

_Gadreel?_

The angel’s presence was weak, still distant, his voice near inaudible but level.

_I am here, Liam._

Liam smiled and took the time to let Gadreel feel it.

_Good. Welcome back. Can you get to the front? Sam would like to talk to you._

There was an unreadable silence for a few seconds, and then a sincere,

_I will try._

Having Gadreel take control, lately, was like getting overgrown with moss, then trees, the process gradual and natural like breathing. It was, Liam suspected, Gadreel’s way to ask permission, because it was slow enough to let them protest.

 _We can stay with you if you wish,_ Liam offered, already half dreaming.

 _No need,_ was the last thing he heard.

 

Sam flinched at about the time a flash of grace would make Gadreel’s presence known. His face hardened; behind it, his soul was already braced, like a dam holding the churning waters inside.

“I am here, Sam Winchester,“ he said and sat down, hard.

“Gadreel!“

Gadreel blinked. He was sitting on the cold pavement, Sam was holding his upper arms, preventing him from tilting backwards, then forward.

“I’m fine,“ he assured him. It sounded slurred to his own ears.

“No, you aren’t.“

He honored the truth of that statement by taking stock of his vessel.

“My apologies. I have never before tried to take control so soon after the use of the sigil. It would seem its effects fade slower than I’d thought.“

“Sorry. Do you want to switch and come back later?“

“No need.“

Now that he knew he had to focus on it, he managed to keep his borrowed body upright. After a moment he gathered the concentration to rise. Sam’s steadying hand remained on his arm, far from unwelcome. He almost regretted it when the man let it fall to his side, but he took heart in the sign of care it had been.

“You wanted to speak to me,“ he reminded the other, searching in his features and his soul. The wall was still there, just as high as before, but it was as if he was allowed a higher vantage point now. He could see the landscape inside, scarred and desolate and always at least threatening a storm, but also always full of life. It clung to every surface, thrived in every crevice where a handful of soil survived the whipping winds.

It was greener now than it had been when Gadreel saw him last.

Sam shifted his weight and then, with an uncertain hint of a gesture to make Gadreel join him, began walking again, unhurried and watchful.

“Dean told me a while back that it’d been you who saved Cas after that reaper.“

Gadreel felt a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. After small hesitation, he let it manifest.

“How much prodding did it take?“

The face Sam made wasn’t a true answer, but it admitted freely that the question had had merit.

“Why did you do it? Why save him, then get him thrown out of the bunker? If you were so afraid of him, or of the other angels who would come after him, why not just leave him dead?“

He walked in silence for a little while. He was grateful it was this topic, rather than his more severe transgressions, but he was very well aware he wasn’t blameless there, either.

“It is to my shame that I let my fears control me to such an extent that I would refuse shelter to a brother who needed it,“ he started, gathering the words needed to explain the rest in human terms.

“Not really what I asked,“ Sam said. “I know you did a lot of what you did back then because you were afraid. So why risk it and revive Cas? According to Dean, he didn’t ask you to do it; he didn’t realize he could. You could have been rid of whatever threat Cas was to you right then, so why… not?“

“I couldn’t bear it. Castiel was a hero to me, even then. I did hesitate, but to be able to save him and refuse was… unthinkable.“

“Because of the Apocalypse?“

“Yes.“

Sam shook his head, frowning.

“I don’t get it. The Apocalypse was supposed to result in Paradise on Earth if Michael won, wasn’t it? I would think you of all people would want that to happen.“

Gadreel smiled, even though the smile felt strange on his face.

“You think I would wish for my greatest mistake to be erased, is that it?“

Sam didn’t reply long enough that Gadreel glanced at him; Sam met his gaze and looked away.

“I guess it means I have learned nothing,“ Gadreel mused. “I cannot say I regret it.“

It occured to him to wonder where they were going, but it wasn’t worth waking his vessel for. They seemed to be aiming somewhere in the general vicinity of their home and the bar where they worked; he would ask once near.

“There were always meant to be three sides to the Apocalypse,“ he explained to Sam’s questioning silence, “It is my understanding that Michael’s rule downplayed the third: humanity. Nevertheless, it was the reason the fight was supposed to take place on Earth, inside vessels. Where Lucifer represented Hell and Michael Heaven, you and your brother represented humanity’s will. If you chose to continue as you were, despite all you have suffered, it was proof you prefer life outside Paradise. Castiel was the only angel who fully sided with you, despite the odds; that was what earned him my respect.“

“You still sided with Metatron against him,“ Sam remarked.

“That campaign was for the fate of Heaven, not humanity, or so I thought at the beginning. As much as I admired Castiel for his loyalty to you, your memories also showed me his poor judgment in the matters of the Host. More than that, however, I was aware of my reputation as the angel who betrayed humanity; someone like Castiel would never accept me on his side. Not after what I did to you.“

It was an invitation to speak about matters Gadreel had no desire to discuss, a challenge to shift the conversation to where it was inevitably going. To his slight confusion, Sam didn’t take it.

“Guess that was a nice surprise when he tried to convince you to join him.“

“It was strategy. I was Metatron’s second-in-command and therefore valuable. If I had joined him then, I would have been simply a traitor, someone to serve the winning side with no regards for honor.“

Sam actually chuckled.

“So we first had to start losing before you could join us?“

Gadreel studied him for a moment, but he couldn’t tell whether the suggestion was serious. He suspected it was, despite the light tone.

“For the most part, it was Metatron causing his own downfall. He held nothing but contempt for anyone but himself. I knew as much, but I still failed to expect him to murder brothers and sisters on his own side. The way he did that was abhorrent to me, too. They joined him willingly and he turned their conviction against them, let them die ostensibly for a cause opposite to their own. When he then named the one virtue I dared to claim to have in common with Castiel as Castiel’s greatest character flaw, I knew I cannot serve him any longer.”

“Which one?“

Gadreel glanced at him, taken aback. There was no derision. It truly seemed Sam would let him claim more than one.

“Love for humanity.“

Sam shook his head but didn’t comment on it. Familiar bitterness, stronger because it came after the hope just a few words earlier, rose in Gadreel.

“You do not believe me.“

The look Sam gave him was almost startled.

“That’s not it.“

“There aren’t many other reasons for you to shake your head.“

Sam huffed.

“Fine. I was wondering how Lucifer got through you. I didn’t want to ask, because it’s none of my business.“

Somehow they were facing each other now. Gadreel wasn’t sure when they stopped. All he knew were the words ringing in his ears, and the way Sam’s face softened.

“It’s still none of my business. You don’t owe me your life story.“

His vessel’s throat was dry for some reason. He ignored it.

“Nobody ever asked.“

Not even Jay, who had a thousand questions about what Heaven was like. Even the people most firmly on his side didn’t expect him to have anything to say for himself, so they thought it a kindness not to ask.

The pause afterwards was pregnant with possibilities. Then Sam made up his mind.

“Okay. I’ll bite. You obviously didn’t hate humanity the way Lucifer did. So how did he get through you?“

It surprised Gadreel that after an eternity of screaming his version of the events at his jailers and torturers, after pleading his case so many times he’d lost count, and then later just repeating it to himself over and over again just so he didn’t forget, he still didn’t know how to start.

“I loved humanity.“ Obvious, perhaps, but necessary. “I wasn’t supposed to have favorites, but I must admit I had. Out of the first people, there was one more curious than others, bright and strong-willed: Lilith.“

Sam’s expression closed off. Gadreel made a mental note to mention later that he doesn’t hold her death against him, but it would only derail the conversation now.

“She was the only one who challenged the limitations of Eden from the inside. She wasn’t very well accepted by the other two, so she often wandered the Garden alone, sometimes coming to the gate I guarded. I’ll never forget the way she took in my true form, without fear but with so much awe as if I was a roaring waterfall for her to admire. To her, everything was a miracle at her fingertips. When Lucifer came and told me he wants to get to know humanity, to learn to love them, I realized they were similar: the two beings in all Creation who always wanted more than they were given. The two who didn’t bow and always chose their own path. I told him all about her, even introduced them when they both came to the gate at the same time one day. I thought, surely he would see a little sister in her, a kindred spirit he didn’t have among us obedient angels.“

It was all so far away: Lilith trying to slip through the gate while he wasn’t looking, her laughter when he caught her arm in gentle jaws and formed one his hands clawless and soft to scoop her up and place her back in.

“I’m sorry,“ Sam said.

“I am, too. I failed her the worst. Lucifer didn’t fall in love with her, he hated her for the comparisons I made between them. He listened to what I told him and twisted it for his own use. When he told me that humanity deserves more, could become so much more if only they were given the chance to learn, I thought of her and couldn’t disagree. He told me they deserve a choice, a way to reach their full potential… and I let him pass.“

All that could be heard afterwards was the distant rumble of traffic, the reminder of a world that had been irrevocably changed as a result of his mistake.

“You couldn’t have known.“

“I could have done my duty. I was prideful. I thought I knew better.“ His hands balled into fists of their own accord. “What an irony. When Metatron ordered me to kill, again I thought I knew better. I did not want to follow where he led me. I wanted different options, different solutions. I had my own ideas how to fulfill my duties. I also thought I must not make the same mistake twice. I knew that what he asked of me was wrong. I obeyed anyway.“

Destroying so many lives and the remnants of his self-worth in the process. He could not look at Sam. He’d thought telling the story to somebody who truly listened would be liberating. Instead it only threw his flaws in sharper relief.

“Maybe you weren’t wrong the first time,“ Sam said, hesitant. Gadreel lifted his head in surprise, but Sam’s gaze shied away from his.

“I don’t know. You said it yourself. We fought for what we have now. I don’t know what the first people were like, so I guess I shouldn’t judge. But a lot of what I like about us, a lot of what makes saving as many people as we can worth it, has something to do with overcoming adversity. People show the best and the worst of them when there’s something awful going on, you know? So, in part we went against Lucifer and Michael because so many people would die if they had their showdown, but also because Paradise didn’t sound particularly tempting. So maybe you were right and people did deserve a chance to be more. You trusted the wrong person to show it to them, but that doesn’t make you a bad guy.“

Gadreel floundered. He had more opportunities lately than in many millennia before to feel relief and gratitude, but he had lost the words for them at some point in the solitude of his cell and under Thaddeus’s blade. His grace reached out, an instinct engraved in all angels to share happiness with others, but he drew it back; despite his kind words, Sam had a reason to think only the worst about such a connection with him. Sam had touched him physically not so long ago, though, so that was what Gadreel now dared to mirror, reaching out and clasping Sam’s upper arm, head ducked uncertainly.

He felt Sam’s muscles stiffen under his touch, but before he could bring himself to let go, the man clapped his shoulder a few times and then just let his palm rest there, a warm and reassuring weight.

“Are you okay?“

Gadreel took a breath and straightened, letting his hand fall back to his side.

“I don’t know if I believe you,“ he found the words after all, “but I’m glad you think of me like this. At least of my earliest crime.“

Sam patted him again, wordlessly, and withdrew his hand.

“How about we leave this for some other time? Liam promised to show me your dog.“

Gadreel forced a smile, glad to know where they were going.

“Should I exchange with Liam?“

Sam didn’t reply right away. Instead he started walking, forcing Gadreel to follow.

“You don’t have to,“ Sam offered at last.

Gadreel weighed his selfishness. Liam liked Sam’s company, but to Gadreel, the conversation so far had been nothing short of a miracle. He didn’t want it to end.

Light and shadow shifted over Sam’s skin as a muscle in his jaw jumped.

“What happens to you when we use the sigil?“

Gadreel considered his reply, not sure whether to be grateful Sam asked at all, or bitter about him asking so late.

“It does not harm me,“ he evaded.

He felt Sam’s sudden focus on the side of his face.

“Liam believes it weakens you.”

On the other side of the street, a cat slunk between two parked cars. Gadreel couldn’t tell if it is a stray or simply an outside cat belonging to one of the houses in the neighborhood.

“He is right. However, it does not take me more than a week to recover.”

“A week. It takes you a week to get back to how you were.“

Sam sounded faintly alarmed on his behalf. Gadreel allowed himself to bask in his concern, just for a moment, although it was possible he merely heard what he wanted to hear.

“It will be less once I’m stronger,“ he reassured the man.

Sam kept frowning, neither letting go of the topic, nor voicing his thoughts on the matter. Gadreel belatedly remembered the thirst for knowledge that defined his former vessel. Perhaps this wasn’t merely about the spell’s effect on him.

“The sigil’s original purpose wasn’t to be a weapon against angels,“ he offered. “It was meant to be a fast way to reconnect with the divine. An envesseled angel has certain advantages on Earth, but they are offset by certain limits to their senses. The sigil – you could say it banishes the angel into the vessel, to such a depth that the soul and matter become one and meet divinity.“

Sam was staring at him, wide-eyed, and it made Gadreel smile faintly even as he let his gaze slid away again.

“In other words, I’m not in control of the body as a whole because I am in the space between particles, too far removed from even the cellular level to infuence the body’s functions, and I am so far from the conscious parts of the soul that not even the concept of time exists there. It is, in a way, a return to the beginning, before our Father created even the archangels. Before time, before matter, before energy. It should be filled with Him.“ He clamped his mouth shut, a sentence too late. “It is a long climb back.“

If Sam noticed his misstep, he was kind enough to let it pass.

“And here I thought you just fall unconscious,“ he said, a wondering smile on him that made him seem younger.

Gadreel’s hand twitched towards the center of his chest, where the vessel bore physical manifestation of the sigil that should have ended him. He controlled the tell at the last moment.

“The full loss of consciousness is not a natural state for an angel. We merely have states that seem similar from an outside view.“

“Huh. Okay.“

“We’re here.“

They weren’t, not exactly, but it was a good way to interrupt a conversation Gadreel wasn’t sure he wanted to continue. The front door rattled as he looked for the exact position that allowed the key to turn in the old lock. The elevator seemed to be in working condition, but he chose the stairs anyway, not sure he would be able to fix the problem if they became stuck.

The barking started when they were still one floor below the apartment. Gadreel, aware of Liam’s customary concern about displeased neighbors, quickened his pace even as he began to smile.

The door to the apartment opened much smoother, allowing the excited dog to zip through. Gadreel, prepared for it, caught him and lifted him up before he could attack Sam.

“No, Growl,“ he said firmly, more to let the animal hear his voice than anything else. A tendril of grace did the rest of the work. The dog quieted, ears and muzzle straining towards the guest, the tension in him turned to curiosity more than wariness.

“That’s Sam. He is a friend. Sam, meet Growl.“

The hunter stared at the animal in utter bewilderment.

“That’s your dog?“

Gadreel looked down, brushing a hand over the smooth black coat. It was much shinier that it had been when they took the creature home. Medication and grace took care of the weakened bladder. Surely Sam couldn’t criticize their care of the animal. There was the missing front paw, of course, but Sam must have known Gadreel was too weak to rebuild something that was not there.

“Yes.“

“And you call him Growl?”

Gadreel shifted.

“Not a name I would have chosen, but David insisted.”

A scritch behind his ears would normally have Growl melting in his hands, but this time, the stranger was more interesting. Gadreel watched with approval as Sam carefully offered a palm for the dog to sniff.

“He’s tiny.“

Gadreel thought back to Liam’s amused embarrassment and David’s protectiveness that seemed to color their attitude towards the animal, and finally understood.

“There were many concerns to consider. Growl is brave, affectionate, and easy to carry should we need to travel. He also doesn’t eat much, which makes him affordable to us.“

“Right.“

Bewilderment was quickly giving way to a charmed, warm smile. Careful fingers found their way behind Growl’s ears once the dog allowed it. The animal gave an excited full-body wiggle, making Sam laugh.

“I guess we should walk him.“

“Of course.“

Gadreel collected the harness and the leash one-handed, because as much as Growl loved being outside with them, he still thought wearing a harness was an evil that had to be avoided at all costs. Or else he thought it the height of fun to make them chase him all over the floor, the two motives weren’t mutually exclusive. After little consideration, he took also the tiny dog coat. It didn’t seem outright necessary to him anymore, but he knew he’s not the best judge of temperature and they had used it the last time they walked Growl overnight.

“I will wake up the others now,“ he announced softly, getting the wriggling dog ready with well-practiced movements. “Though I will stay aware, if you don’t mind.“

"Sounds great,“ Sam agreed. As much as Gadreel knew all his tells, he couldn’t find a trace of dishonesty in that warm acceptance, baffling as it was.

He took it with him like a treasure while he coaxed the others awake.

 _Aw, I wanted to be there when Sam first saw our big bad dog,_ were Liam’s first words, nothing but easy amusement in his mood.

Gadreel pushed the memory at them all, making Liam laugh, Jay cringe and David puff up defensively.

It occured to him that none of them, not even Liam, objected to Sam knowing where they live. It wasn’t merely due to the knowledge Gadreel had, either, that it was futile to try to withhold this information from a pair of hunters as experienced as the Winchesters.

Sam was welcome to it, trusted with it.

Gadreel fell back, settling in to watch. His weakness, the result of the use of the sigil, made it a relief.

The companionship made it a blessing.


	2. Chapter 2

The city of Lincoln, Nebraska, wasn’t big, but it wasn’t small, either. Definitely big enough for a recovering angel, his vessel, and their dog to explore and guard.

They began making their rounds soon after Sam’s visit, once Gadreel was sure he could deal with a run-of-the-mill monster. They packed a few necessities of the life: an iron poker purchased for next to nothing at a yard sale they happened to pass one day, then salt, a bottle of holy water, spray paint, and a lighter.

Jay mocked them relentlessly, feeding them ideas of superhero vigilante costumes, one more ridiculous than the last.

She also wanted them to take at least a knife, but Liam refused. They didn’t have anything that would work on most monsters and he didn’t want anything that would work on a human, save for his bare fists and maybe the poker.

It was safer to be a weirdo than an armed weirdo, just in case they did anything to catch the police’s interest.

By the time March turned to April and April to May, they have discovered several parks, three peaceful cemeteries, a lost wallet (which they returned), and a single fairy.

Having been warned about supernatural beings of considerable power, Liam wasn’t expecting a critter the size of a bee, whose idea of terrible revenge was to freeze every single blossom on its victim’s cherry tree, one by one.

It was maybe a third of the way through when they found it and it was already exhausted and bored half to death. It magnanimously agreed to let go of the task in exchange for a bowl of cream and a glass marble they have found a week earlier.

Other than that, nothing exciting happened.

Until the child.

It was a lazy late Saturday morning. Liam wasn’t expected at work until four in the afternoon, so he used the excuse of another round, and of having to walk Growl, for a long stroll around his part of the city. As became rather usual for them, they were all aware to some extent: Gadreel on the lookout for anything supernatural, Liam enjoying the fragrant spring weather, David mostly present in the body, stretching their legs into a fast pace just for the joy of it, and Jay listening in on them with one ear while she lay sprawled on the sofa, watching a movie.

In addition to the other perks, they had discovered a while back that Gadreel not only remembered anything he’s read or seen, but could also make the memory available to the rest of them without much effort, acting as their private library and DVD player.

It was Gadreel who stopped them by the playground, and David who scooped Growl up. Growl didn’t outright hate kids, but they were too big and rash for him; he either avoided them, or preferred a higher ground to deal with them.

Liam watched Gadreel watch small happy humans and smiled to himself.

They could have somebody of their own to watch one day.

It was such a stupid stray thought.

Before Gadreel, he had had his hands full with himself. There had been days, weeks even, when getting up and dragging himself to work on time was a battle – not always won, either. Now, with the angel slowly untangling the screwed up chemistry of their brain and providing what comfort he could when it came to the other issues, Liam dared to occasionally entertain the idea of a relationship, even though he knew that meeting the kind of saint his partner would have to be to make it work would be a miracle.

And now he somehow skipped all that and imagined himself as a parent.

Laughable.

“Are you okay?“ David asked.

Liam startled, only now realizing he was present in the common space all that time. He felt Jay’s eyes at the nape of his neck and David watched him with open concern. Liam gave him a weak smile.

“Yes, sure.”

He very resolutely turned his attention back to Gadreel, only to find him rigid and alert. Somehow, the idylla they had been watching has changed into a battlefield for the angel while Liam was distracted.

He peered alongside him.

The crowd on the playground has thinned a bit. A few steps away, a slightly harried-looking East Asian man was trying to convince his three- or maybe four-year-old it was lunchtime and they had to go home. That was the extent of any drama Liam could find.

“What is it?“

 _I don’t know yet,_ was Gadreel’s tense reply.

It was becoming difficult to pay attention to the outside, as if a cloud passed over the bright noon sun and made Liam distracted and sleepy.

“Hey,“ he protested sharply. “None of that. Keep us aware.“

The outside world cleared again.

_I’m sorry._

“No problem. What is the danger?“

_I’m not sure-_

The stubborn little boy turned. Their eyes met.

Two things happened at once: The child’s jaw went slack with awe, and Gadreel’s presence turned to ice. Ice shards tinkled in their ears like alarm bells, drowning out everything else, while the boy smiled bright and hopeful like a sunrise, threw himself at them and hugged their thighs with surprising force.

Gadreel’s panic shook the floor of the common room beneath their feet. There was suddenly too much of him: thorny vines shooting through their mind, forming wings and arms and clawed feet, threatening to bury them under the sheer mass of him. It wasn’t protective this time, not towards them. It was white hot rejection and ice cold dread, it was the rallying of every scrap of strength the angel had – and it was, all of it, focused at the boy who held them in place.

Gadreel was about to lash out, Liam realized with a lurch of horror.

“Gadreel! Enough!“

There was sharp white light, now, coming off the presence that was Gadreel. The thorns have gotten long, growing though the walls and the furniture, blocking their sight of the outer world.

Liam threw himself where the mass of plant life and light was the thickest and yanked it back, desperate to get to the front, not much more on his mind than the nightmarish visions of his own bare hands burning human flesh.

It hurt. He bled. It didn’t stop him.

“Gadreel! Fall back. You’re having a panic attack. Fall back. NOW.“

It was more frenzied than anything else, miles away from the the calm, firm command he thought could work – but then the vines became a tree trunk became a solid, wide back, and he got two fistfuls of a shirt and pulled with all he had.

The angel staggered into Jay’s waiting embrace and Liam clawed his way to the front, blinking as he took control of the body.

Growl squirmed and whined in his arms and he quickly released the pressure on him.

It occured to him that having had their hands full was probably the only thing that had saved them all from a tragedy. Somebody was standing too close, agitated, conflict in every line of their body, but they weren’t talking at him and the boy-

The boy was staring up at him, dubious, betrayed, but unharmed.

He wasn’t squeezing his legs quite so firmly anymore and Liam took the opportunity to make a step back, trying to calm his racing heart and take stock of the situation.

The father lunged in and dragged his son back by the arm, at once giving the boy a stern talk about respecting people’s boundaries and watching Liam like a terrified, puffed up cat for signs of danger.

“Sorry. I’m sorry. Give me a moment,“ Liam said, aiming for clear but soft and unthreatening and getting maybe halfway there. His hands were beginning to shake, but he couldn’t afford to let go of Growl yet.

He thought the father said something back, but it was placating, as polite as it was nervous, and that was all he really needed to know.

There were onlookers, concerned parents watching from their spots on the playground, a wave of escaped eye contacts as he took them in.

_Jay. Get Gadreel talking. We need to know what freaked him out._

Liam wracked his brain for monsters that hunted by touch, but all he could see was a normal little boy, apparently named Danny. Though he had no idea why would a kid hug them out of the blue.

“I’m sorry, Danny,“ he said gently to that small, now frowning face, grabbing the first lie that could work. “I’m not used to people touching me.“

“I’m Teddy,“ the boy said, outright scowling.

 _Thaddeus,_ Gadreel clarified from the inside, voice shaken but clear. _He’s Thaddeus. My torturer from Heaven. I don’t understand. He should be dead. I killed him myself._

Liam watched the kid brighten again – was he reacting to Gadreel somehow?

 _Maybe you didn’t kill him enough?_ Jay suggested dryly.

Gadreel ignored her completely.

_This can’t be. Thaddeus wasn’t especially powerful but even weakened, he’d still tear apart such a young vessel._

“You have to come home with us,“ the boy said. He didn’t look malevolent, he looked excited and pleading.

“That’s not a very good idea, Danny,“ his father reacted immediately, an undercurrent of tension in his voice.

“Teddy,“ the boy corrected him.

“Teddy,“ the father capitulated. It didn’t sound like the name was new to him. “It still isn’t a good idea.“

“I agree,“ Liam said, itching both to understand the mystery and to get out of everybody’s sight. “But maybe I can at least walk you home?“

The look the father gave him let him know exactly how little he liked that solution, but the boy slipped his hold and grabbed the hem of Liam’s jacket, making Gadreel recoil, then loom, then fade again from the forefront of his mind.

“Okay,“ the boy said and started to drag him away from the playground.

A little down the lane Liam finally felt safe enough to let Growl down. The tiny dog yapped at the boy a few times but didn’t seem about to attack him, so Liam straightened and took the opportunity to offer a hand and his best calming smile to the uneasy father.

“David Swoboda. Sorry for that scene earlier. I guess it must have looked scary.”

The man shook his hand after only a small hesitation, though he didn’t tell him his name.

“That’s fine. Danny shouldn’t have jumped you like that. I’ll explain it to him again later.“

“Thank you. I’m… normally better at this, but he really surprised me.“

The boy, far from deterred, clasped Liam’s hand the moment it was free and near enough.

 _He doesn’t recognize me,_ Gadreel concluded, sounding faintly ill. _He wasn’t trying to threaten me. He’s simply seeking contact with another angel. I can’t-_

 _You don’t have to,_ Liam sent, making it as reassuring as he could.

After a moment’s consideration, he went down on one knee in front of the boy.

Gadreel lurched out of his reach and the boy pouted, cute as a button.

“Don’t do that.“

“Why?“ Liam asked levelly and watched the boy frown harder.

“Because.“ And then, “I want-“

But he didn’t seem to have the words, only his grip on Liam’s hand grew harder.

“I don’t want to be alone,“ he blurted out in the end.

“Danny…“ the father breathed.

Liam forced a small smile.

“You have your daddy, don’t you? And I’m sure you have friends.“

The child pouted again.

“But I want you. I want you to shine, too. I don’t like you like this.“

 _Looks like Gadreel was right,_ Jay commented. _Is it me, or is the angel in there really out of it? Or you think he can’t be more mature than the vessel’s brain or something?_

_No idea. Gadreel?_

This time, he didn’t get anything, not even a whiff of Gadreel’s presence. He smiled at the boy apologetically.

“Sorry. No shining anymore today.“

“Why?“

Liam cast about for something to say.

“I’m all out of batteries. I need to go home and recharge before I can shine again.“

The boy frowned, like all children do when somebody tells them to wait for something they want.

“But you must do it fastly and come back.“

“Sorry, I have work in the afternoon. But we’ll definitely meet again, okay? I live nearby, so I’ll make sure to stop by the playground sometime.“

“No. I want today.“ The boy thought quickly. “You can come home with us. We have lots of chargers.“

Liam grinned, he couldn’t help himself.

“I need a very special one, sorry.“

“We have special ones!“ the boy argued.

Liam faltered. There was nothing un-childlike about Teddy, or Danny, or whoever he was at the moment.

“Danny,“ the father interjected. “Mr. Swoboda has to go home and we need to go for lunch. Mommy is already waiting for us.“

“No!“

“Teddy. We will meet again, I promise. But right now, I need to go.“

Maybe it was because it was easier for a child to ignore his parent, and maybe it was something angelic, but Teddy subsided, disappointed but not on the verge of a tantrum anymore.

“Promise?“

Liam squeezed his hand lightly and felt like the worst kind of traitor. Not because he didn’t intend to keep his word, but because of the reasons he would keep it. The human boy, Danny, wouldn’t cling to him so badly. It had to be the angel. Gadreel’s torturer and victim, and a parasite who could kill the child he inhabited. Calling himself Teddy and acting like a genuine three-year-old.

“Promise.“

The boy let go of him and finally joined his father, his whole posture stooped dejectedly. Liam looked up into the man’s puzzled face and shrugged sheepishly. The man looked as if he wanted to ask several things at once but didn’t want to do it in front of his son.

It made two of them.

“I guess we’ll have the chance to talk sometime later,“ Liam said and got up, using every bit of body language he knew to appear about as threatening as an overgrown plushie.

It looked like he answered some of the father’s questions by that statement and raised a few more, but the man only nodded.

“I suppose. Goodbye.“

“Goodbye. Bye, Teddy!“

But the boy has already lost interest, or maybe wasn’t quite Teddy anymore, and only started walking towards home.

“Danny. Say bye to Mr. Swoboda,“ his father admonished him.

The boy gave a half-hearted wave and continued home.

The father threw an apologetic glance Liam’s way and hurried after him.

Liam watched them both until they turned a corner. Only then did he call back Growl, who was investigating a tree a few feet away, getting his leash looped around the trunk in the process.

Of course the little dog decided to come back the wrong way, forcing Liam to walk over and untangle him.

 _We must get Thaddeus out of that boy,_ Gadreel said, suddenly there as if he never left. _I don’t know what is happening, but Thaddeus is a danger. He must be near death for such a young vessel to hold him without deterioration. It won’t last. Thaddeus will take everything the boy has to offer. He will kill him. Then he will probably die himself, too weak to survive without a vessel, but it is not a price I want to pay._

 _I don’t get it,_ David piped up. _He insisted his name was Teddy. That was the angel talking? Do angels need adult vessels to act adult?_

 _No,_ Gadreel replied, deeply troubled. _He was playing us, or hiding from the boy’s father. I cannot imagine circumstances under which an angel would act like this and be genuine. We were never children. We cannot be reduced to childhood. We can only play at it._

 _You think that he didn’t recognize you, though?_ Liam asked.

 _I’m certain,_ Gadreel responded. _Thaddeus is cruel, not entirely stupid. He’d love to taunt me with his presence, but he wouldn’t do it while I was unrestrained._

In the short silence afterwards, nobody mentioned that Gadreel nearly attacked the boy.

_Thank you for letting me handle it, back at the playground._

He could feel Gadreel shift uneasily under his skin.

_You were decisive. I was… not._

Liam’s lips twitched, not really amused.

_I think we were both panicking, to be honest._

Gadreel drew back. The little Liam got from him felt both conflicted and – ashamed?

_Seriously, Gadreel. Thank you for trusting me to handle it. I know your first instinct was to push us down until you deal with the threat. I’m grateful you didn’t._

It still took the angel a long moment to respond.

_I’m… not sure whether it was trust, or weakness._

Liam really wished he could be in the common space right now, to see the others, but the only one of them who could do that while in control without walking them into a lamppost was Gadreel.

_Look. I know you think it’s your duty to protect us from anything and everything, and I’m not going to argue with you on that-_

He was interrupted by Jay’s low whistle and cursed his inability to shoot her a glare.

_-because we all know it would be useless. But you aren’t protecting anybody if you lash out in panic. Maybe I didn’t have the information you had – and you gave me that, as soon as you could – but I had a clearer head than you, so I was better able to keep us safe. It’s not weakness to trust an ally. Understood?_

_I just love his speeches,_ he heard Jay to mutter at the back of his consciousness, probably to David. But the knot of tension that was Gadreel unwound a bit.

_Yes. Thank you. I… am unused to having allies._

_Aww, come on, you big idiot,_ Jay said in what sounded suspiciously like a prelude to a hug.

Liam checked on Growl to make sure the little critter isn’t about to run under a car. Then he stopped at the side of the sidewalk, closed his eyes and focused all his warmth inside.

He could do that now and be felt by the others, so it was only fair to let the angel know he was accepted.

Apparently a group hug was another thing Gadreel was unused to, so it didn’t last long. Both Liam and Jay knew better than to overwhelm him. It left Liam smiling to himself anyway when he continued to walk.

 _So what are we going to do about the other angel?_ David asked, too nervous to let them bask in the moment.

Liam waited.

 _I don’t know,_ Gadreel replied finally. _I’m afraid-_

He trailed off.

 _Don’t know about you,_ Jay picked up after a moment, _but I want to hear anything that can save that kid. That was what you two wanted to do, right? A bit of superhero vigilante work? Saving people? Kicking monster asses?_

 _Let me think,_ Gadreel requested. _It is unlikely Thaddeus will harm the boy within the next few days. It is almost impossible to safely extract an angel from his vessel against his will. I need to think through my options._

There wasn’t much to say after that.

 

Sam groped blindly all over his nightstand for the buzzing phone, then squinted at the caller id. The first tendrils of apprehension made him a little more alert. With a quick swipe he accepted the call.

“Liam? What is it?“

“It is Gadreel.“ The wording was ambiguous, but the diction was not. Sam sat straight in his bed and threw his legs over the edge while the angel continued, audibly taken aback. “I woke you. You were usually awake at this time when I… knew you.“

Sam checked the time. Five thirty in the morning. Four hours of sleep. It could have been worse, but he’d hoped for six.

“Guess I’m not the mess you remember,“ he replied dryly. “What’s the matter?“

Gadreel was silent for a little while.

“I can call later.“

Something about his tone made an alarm go off in Sam’s head.

“No. Tell me.”

Another silence. Sam half expected the angel to hang up on him. He was ready to jump into a car and drive to Lincoln if that happened.

“I met another angel today,” Gadreel said at last. “He took a small boy as a vessel – too small to hold an angel unless the angel was near death. We have to force him out of the boy before he does damage.”

Sam closed his eyes and switched on his bedside lamp, waiting till the red glow under his eyelids went from piercing to dull.

“Any idea how to do that?”

“I am afraid the only option is to offer him something better. He should not be allowed to take another vessel. If we are to save the boy, we must offer to assist Thaddeus into Heaven.“

Funny how Sam never realized how expressive Gadreel’s voice was, for an angel. Even over the phone he sounded as if the idea made him sick.

“You’re afraid?“

Gadreel’s breath on the other side was harsh.

“Thaddeus was the angel who tortured me for thousands of years while I was imprisoned. I do not wish him to return to Heaven. I want him dead.“ Gadreel nearly spat out the admission as if it had been crowding behind his teeth for hours. There was a short pause. When he continued, he sounded a little more collected. “There is a reason for caution, too. I did kill him, once. I do not understand how or why he is back. He doesn’t remember me.“

Sam let out a long exhale.

“You need Cas for this.“

“I wanted to talk to you first.“

Sam probably wasn’t as awake as he’d thought, because that made little sense to him.

“Why?“

Gadreel’s voice was quiet, conflicted.

“I cannot bear the thought of Thaddeus back in Heaven.“

“And you hoped I would have a different idea?“ A sudden realization dawned on Sam. “Or is this a- Gadreel, you have three more people to talk with in your own head. What do they say?”

He really wasn’t fit to play moral compass to an angel. Not even one as screwed up as Gadreel.

“They cannot know.“ It sounded decisive, but all Sam could hear was panic. “If they knew I consider risking that child for my revenge, they’d judge me.“

Sam huffed, offended despite himself.

“And I won’t?“

“You already know the worst of me.“ It was so simple, it left Sam momentarily at a loss how to respond. Gadreel used it to continue, insistent, nearly pleading. “You had been tortured, too. Would you wish to send your torturer to Heaven?“

Sam grimaced.

“I don’t have a very high opinion of Heaven. Maybe they deserve each other. Gadreel, what do you think is the right thing to do?“

There was a very, very long silence on the other side, so deep that he could hear the faint sounds of early morning traffic in the distant city.

“I don’t think there is a right thing to do. Obviously, the boy should be saved, but Thaddeus, he- He is an angel. What he did, maybe it was his duty at the beginning, but he enjoyed it too much. He enjoyed it enough to choose another victim when I wasn’t… available. If Heaven has another chance now, I am afraid the likes of Thaddeus would spoil it.“

Sam ran his hand through his hair.

“How much time do you think you have before the kid is in danger?“

This time, Gadreel almost didn’t hesitate.

“Days, at the very least, unless Thaddeus begins to suspect and decides to escape with him.“

“So you need to make sure that doesn’t happen. I’ll grab Cas and come. He should know about any weird cases involving angels anyway. I don’t promise he’ll see things your way, but he’s your best bet. Agreed?“

There was a short, calculating pause.

“I’ll call him myself.“

Sam really hoped it was genuine.

“Okay. Let me know when we’re gonna meet up.“

Unexpectedly, there was another short hesitation.

“Will Dean join us as well?“

Sam made a face, faintly amused.

“Dean is on a LARP with Charlie and he won’t hurry home. I don’t think I can expect him back until Tuesday night.“

He’d be surprised if Gadreel didn’t catch on to the subtle coercion it was.

“Understood. Thank you.“

“No problem.“

There was a quiet sound on Gadreel’s side like someone fumbling with their phone and then the call disconnected.

Sam was left staring into the middle distance, deep in thought.

Last time, it wasn’t until Gadreel wanted something hard enough that he showed what he’s capable of. And maybe he regretted it later and risked his life to put it right, but it was still the same angel. It could be a good thing that something like this turned up so soon, so that they all find out if he can be trusted now. Sam couldn’t help but think about Liam and the others, though, about the risks they took and about Gadreel’s attempt to keep them out of the decision.

He didn’t want to have to hunt Gadreel down again.

And maybe, just maybe, he simply wanted him to choose right this time, here at the very beginning, cutting the crisis short.

Maybe if he could learn to do that, Sam could, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look! It's a plot!
> 
> So sorry for taking so long to update. There are days when my only writing time is ten minutes on the bus to work...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of non-literal interpretation of Heaven scenes in this chapter.  
> Um… A piece of blink-and-you'll-miss-it self-harm ideation?

Gadreel laid down the phone, staring unseeing at the wall acroos from the bed.

The right thing to do. He’d been honest when he gave Sam Winchester his reply – there was no single right thing to do that he could see. Even so, he was reluctant to pass the decision to Castiel.

He was under no illusion about what would happen once Castiel learns about the ‘case’, as it were. The new Heaven under Hannah and the others surely had its rules about angels trying to escape its influence, like Thaddeus – and like Gadreel himself – and Gadreel could hardly expect Castiel to keep making exceptions.

He should be grateful that his brother, so far, has kept silent about Gadreel’s own survival. Doubtlessly, somebody would have come by now otherwise, to take him back. To keep him imprisoned, again, until his fate could be decided. Whenever that would be. Or wouldn’t be.

He couldn’t afford to alienate Castiel.

It was that thought more than anything that made Gadreel pick up the phone and call the number.

He didn’t have to wait long for Castiel to pick up.

“Hello?“

“It is Gadreel.“

It was perhaps his own fault that he still cringed at saying his name.

“Gadreel.“ It was an acknowledgment rather than greeting, but he basked in its utter lack of hostility. “What is the matter?“

“There is a situation I believe you should be aware of. Can you come to Lincoln?“

He felt it a split second before Castiel landed, the first tendrils of grace lighting up the room, marking the spot for touchdown before a flutter of wings carried Castiel in. He folded them away into the confines of his vessel with such practiced ease that he barely resembled an angel by the time he landed.

“Yes,“ he said vaguely still into the receiver, his eyes calm on Gadreel, and only then disconnected the call.

It would be so easy to trap him if he was so careless, so trusting, that he simply arrived wherever Gadreel, of all angels, called him. He had to know, too, and yet he chose to come.

“Thank you,“ Gadreel told him earnestly.

“Why do you need me?“

Gadreel carefully laid down his own phone on the nightstand. He remained sitting on the bed, at a disadvantage, rewarding trust with trust.

“Did you know Thaddeus?“

Castiel’s brows drew together. It was an answer in itself, when even an angel’s memory was hard-pressed to match a name to its bearer.

“In passing.“

Gadreel’s hands wanted to clutch at something, to betray his tension. He made them lie flat on his thighs: a learned passivity, pretend calmness.

“He was a torturer in Heaven’s jail. I killed him under Metatron’s rule. I met him again today, so weakened that a three year old vessel held him without signs of deterioration. He recognized me as an angel but didn’t call me by name, or seem to remember our history.“

Castiel took a deep, relieved breath that made no sense, before he frowned.

“That means these cases aren’t limited to my own victims. Unless choosing the widest definition of my responsibility, of course.“

That wasn’t the reaction Gadreel expected.

“These cases?“

“I have found five, so far. Four I remember killing. The fifth is so weak that I cannot identify them yet, in a vessel only several months old. Tell me about the encounter.“

Gadreel did, as simply as he could. Castiel only nodded, unsurprised.

“Two of mine also seem to remember their name but little else. One of them doesn’t remember anything. The remaining two can’t talk yet. As difficult as it must be for you to see him, I don’t believe Thaddeus is playing you, Gadreel. All of our brothers and sisters I have found act the age of their vessels.“

“How is that possible? How is it even possible for an angel to have a vessel who can’t say yes?“

“I don’t know.“

So many questions. It was a relief, in a way, that Thaddeus wasn’t the only angel chosen to come back – and that he was exactly as defenseless as he appeared to be. Gadreel rather chose not to examine the satisfaction that thought gave him.

Better to consider what Castiel wasn’t telling him.

“What is the stance of the new Heaven on these cases?“

Castiel’s gaze slid away.

“After the first two were found, we all thought they were linked to me. I was given the task of investigating them – as a form of penance, I suspect. But now I don’t know.“

Deep within, David stirred. He usually woke first when Gadreel made use of the body while his vessel was asleep. A brush of grace against soul and he settled again.

“You think all the dead angels may be coming back?“

What a possibility. He wasn’t sure whether it filled him with hope, or terrified him – and when he looked at Castiel, he thought that maybe he wasn’t alone in that sentiment.

“At least those who died in the most recent years, yes.“

“And none of the vessels seem to be in danger?“

Castiel hesitated.

“Their body isn’t.“ His jaw locked, his expression grave. “Nobody has been able to assist the angel to depart, or even contact them apart from the vessel. It has unpleasant implications for the vessel’s soul. It is why I am allowed to investigate here on Earth. It gives the vessels better chances. It would be much easier for the angels to overwhelm them in Heaven.“

Castiel’s fists closed at his sides, then relaxed again.

“It’s troubling,“ he admitted heavily. “It doesn’t look like the work of our Father.“

Gadreel nodded his acknowledgment. Rumor had it, Castiel himself came back at least twice, with nobody else possibly responsible for his resurrection. If anybody could tell the difference, it was Castiel.

“Who could do it, then?“

“Somebody without much regard for humanity,“ Castiel replied. “The right question is, what do they want?“

It didn’t look like a rhetorical question. It looked like Castiel was willing to discuss the case with him like an equal. Gadreel didn’t know how he earned that opportunity, but he wasn’t about to let it pass. Even though the discussion could take a while.

He rose.

“Let’s take this to the kitchen. My vessel is going to wake soon. I’d like to have breakfast prepared for them.“

Castiel’s bemused frown melted into acceptance almost instantly. He followed Gadreel without comment and took a place at the tiny kitchen table as if it was natural to him. It prompted Gadreel to ask, “May I offer you anything?“

“No, thank you,“ Castiel replied with obvious regret. “I can’t taste food properly unless I’m close to human.“

Gadreel nodded and carefully extricated their only frying pan from the cabinet below the sink.

“Neither can I, unless I share in the experience of my vessel. They have each of them different tastes. I should be able to distinguish between the actual taste and their likes and dislikes, but I’m not. It’s… puzzling.“

Castiel sighed.

“Many things about a vessel are puzzling. I suspect we were never meant to inhabit one for long. Even so, it gets easier with time.”

Gadreel glanced at him out the corner of an eye. Who would have thought that the legendary rebel leader who had once approached him cautiously like the volatile weapon he had been at the time, would eventually sit at his table in a human home, openly tired and talking about vessels. He wondered if it was an invitation to be more personal with Castiel, or whether he simply became distracted.

“I like the experience,“ he offered and bent to withdraw eggs from the tiny, ceaselessly buzzing fridge. “Can we link these resurrections to any faction?“

“Raphael’s, or possibly Michael’s. Three I have killed when I… dealt with Raphael’s forces. One, after the Fall. Both she and Thaddeus could have been Raphael’s or Michael’s loyalists, until they outlived Raphael, or outlived Michael’s influence.“

“That doesn’t tell us much,“ Gadreel remarked as he began breaking eggs into a bowl. “Almost everyone could have been called Michael’s loyalist at some point.“

“Yes. But all of the vessels were born after the Leviathan were banished back into Purgatory. The eldest was conceived after I obliterated Raphael’s forces.“

Gadreel frowned and glanced at Castiel over his shoulder, momentarily forgetting his work.

“You think the Leviathan started it? Wouldn’t it stop after they were locked away again?“

“Probably. The same if someone tried to build an army against them. It would have been an unsuccessful attempt, so why continue? Someone is still raising these angels, or was, a year ago or less.“

“You are considering the time of conception. Why?“

“It is what happened with our sister Anna when she Fell. She was born as a human child, with no memory of Heaven. There wasn’t any other soul in her body, so this isn’t the same, but it is still a possibility.“

Gadreel shook his head and started the stove.

“You have too little to go on. You need to find more of these children to uncover the pattern.“

“That is what I was doing when you called.“

Gadreel beat the eggs, perhaps with a little more force than necessary.

“I found three of them in Tacoma, Washington,“ Castiel continued, oblivious. “They are all between two and two and a half years old. The oldest and the youngest both live in Lewiston, Idaho. I am searching Tacoma for more.“

The implications set in fairly quickly. Gadreel paused, straightened.

“I will search Lincoln.“

He was bound to this place as much as to his vessel’s opinions. He couldn’t jeopardize their job, their home, but surely he could do this much. Surely he could make this one decision by himself when it was well within the role they have all already agreed on.

“I appreciate it,“ Castiel told him. It sounded honest, and it probably was. Gadreel smiled, not letting his doubts ruin the moment. David stirred again and Jay joined him, faintly. Gadreel brushed against the soul to make them sleep just a little longer. He wasn’t keeping secrets from them – he wouldn’t. Couldn’t, since he still needed their cooperation. On a much deeper level, he needed their approval, their acceptance, their companionship. He was simply letting them avoid waking into a confusing situation.

Tension returned to Castiel’s shoulders, though, and for a moment Gadreel thought he did something wrong.

“We don’t know how many of our brothers and sisters are being resurrected in this way. I suspect we will find many more. Heaven will get involved.“

Gadreel’s good mood vanished.

“I presume my standing is still unclear.“

“I am trying to make them officially clear your name, but I can’t press too hard without them starting to suspect. And it would be unwise to push it through as a platitude that doesn’t matter anymore. It has to happen in full accord if it is to hold after your return.“

Castiel was staring at him so seriously, it prompted Gadreel to nod, if only to reassure him that he understands the caution.

The rigid line of Castiel’s shoulders sagged somewhat.

“I’m looking forward to being able to tell at least Hannah. She would welcome the good news, but I don’t want to make her an accomplice in keeping the secret.“

Gadreel narrowed his eyes at him, but Castiel still seemed to believe what he was saying. Gadreel took the excuse of testing the temperature of the pan to not have to look at him.

“I doubt my survival would be good news to her.“

“I think it would. She blames herself for driving you to suicide.“

Gadreel forgot his hand on the pan.

“She has no reason.“

He turned back to Castiel. Not for the first time, he found his calm watchfulness unnerving, as if Castiel was the older between them and only waited for Gadreel’s temper to run its course.

It didn’t help that he only now noticed his feeble grace returning to its usual course after it gathered to protect his skin from burning.

Maybe he should have let it burn.

“I couldn’t ask her to believe me, not after what I did to her. You said she helped you after, that was all I wanted.“

Castiel’s gaze was much too knowing.

“She tried to save you. She failed.“

Gadreel frowned. He didn’t remember much of Hannah from that day; from the moment the cell had sprung up to entrap him, most of his attention had been turned inwards. To his shame, he had barely remembered to shield his vessel from the blast, and even that only because he knew he had to limit the amount of exploding grace to let Castiel escape unharmed.

“After..?“ he ventured uncertainly. Surely there had been nothing left of him in that prison.

Castiel’s scrutiny made him want to shy away from it. On instinct carved into him by Thaddeus and his ilk, he straightened instead.

“She tried to unlock the wards,“ Castiel explained. “I could hear her work. She had the knowledge, but she wasn’t used to the task. She made a mistake. Before she could pick up, you told her to run. She did.“

He remembered that, he thought. He remembered her trying to get near and remembered giving her the chance to save herself.

“She wanted to stop me.“

“She wanted to stop you from killing yourself. She was already convinced.“

That was too much. Gadreel dropped his gaze.

“She told me, Gadreel,“ Castiel continued, with urgency that sounded too much like a reproach. “She also told me she still wishes she had stood her ground. She thinks that maybe, if you thought to warn her, you wouldn’t have gone through with your sacrifice if it meant killing her, too.“

Castiel wasn’t a devotedly followed leader for nothing. His words rang with contagious faith in the confines of the small kitchen. Gadreel shook his head, trying to clear it. Both his hands were clutching the edge of the counter, but it did little to ground him, and the air his vessel needed came in in short, urgent gasps.

Liam began clawing his way up from sleep, an unconscious reaction to the body’s agitation. Gadreel pushed him back down like swallowing bile.

_Safe. We’re safe. Give me time. It’s private._

Liam settled somewhat, halfway to awareness, but the other two began waking, too.

“I don’t remember-“ It was hard to focus, to keep track of how this conversation started. “I’m not sure I would have stopped. I think- I’m glad she didn’t test me, brother.“

Castiel didn’t respond until Gadreel grew nervous enough to glance at him.

“I see.“

He probably did. It was an unexplainable, inexcusable weakness, to let a few memories and a revelation of unexpected kindness shake him so badly. So visibly. Castiel wouldn’t turn it against him, but his regard for him, had there been any of it to begin with, had to lessen.

Gadreel missed being admired. Or at least respected in turn for his own admiration.

“Don’t tell her yet, please.“

Castiel nodded.

“If I’m right, and there will be many more cases like this, the rest of the world must be searched. I should be able to keep our siblings out of Lincoln.“

“Thank you.“

Shaken but slowly finding his balance, Gadreel turned his back, though the task before him lost most of its appeal.

“Gadreel… Despite your reputation-“ And here Gadreel froze- “You were able to convince many of our brothers and sisters to join Metatron’s side. You made them see past your mistakes and trust you. We weren’t the only ones, Hannah and I, who regretted your sacrifice.“

Gadreel’s fists closed.

“I doubt that, Castiel. Considering where that trust led them.“

“You give our siblings too little credit. Yes, some blame you for tricking them. Some recognize you were both tricked. What I mean to say, you have a chance to be accepted back in Heaven, on your own merit-“

“No.“ It was only a single step towards the kitchen table, towards looming over Castiel. “Do not tempt me with false promises, brother. I’ve learned my lesson. Make them let me walk free, that’s all I ask. I will deal with those who come to threaten me and I’ll keep my peace with the rest of them. I don’t look for the acceptance of the Host anymore, I know it’s out of my reach. I have the companionship of my vessel, more voluntary and selfless than I’ve had in thousands of years. I am here, on Earth, where I can matter, even if only to an insignificant portion of the world. Leave me be.“

There was nothing, absolutely nothing in Castiel showing if he felt threatened: not a change in posture, not a wisp of grace stirring under his skin.

“You also have me,“ he said gravely.

Gadreel’s jaw worked.

“Why? My usefulness ran out when I burned away most of my grace to free you. Is this a sense of debt, Castiel?“

Castiel’s nostrils flared in frustration.

“No. It’s hearing your creed, back in that cell, and knowing we are the same. It’s knowing we both find humans infinitely precious and worth protecting. Not their eternal rest, not the power of their souls, them. We both serve humanity, Gadreel. We do it to the best of our ability and far too often we fail, far too often we stray, but we always return to the same mission. There are people I’d die for, I did die for, even though I knew their souls are destined for Heaven and there’s no afterlife awaiting an angel. You aren’t the only angel preferring the Earth. So don’t shut me out for nothing. Please. I don’t pity you, I respect you, and it has nothing to do with your power or the lack of it. And I- I miss having a garrison. You were made to be stationed far from the Host, you are a sentry. I’m a soldier.“

Gadreel kept standing. It was all he could do, really – there wasn’t a second chair and even if there was, it would be a human gesture to sit down together. A brush of wings against wings could have been the proper response, but Castiel’s were hidden and Gadreel was too unused to non-painful contact with another angel to attempt it now.

He couldn’t help but marvel at how thoroughly Castiel turned the tables on him, although in a manner completely opposite to how it could be expected. It was now Castiel who seemed young, and lost, and Gadreel was torn between professing undying loyalty to him and finding a way to comfort him without getting too close.

Castiel collected himself and stood before Gadreel made up his mind.

“I should continue looking for our resurrected siblings.“

“Castiel.“

It was only that, a name, but it stopped him. It gave Gadreel the chance to find more words.

“I’m honored.“

He knew immediately that while it was honest, it wasn’t what Castiel needed to hear.

“Please stop by anytime you wish. You are right, we share a mission. I think we are as close to being stationed together as we can be. We should work together.“

That was better: he could see in the way the stiff line of Castiel’s shoulders softened, in how his essence unfurled enough to give a hint of his true form.

“We will,“ Castiel acknowledged.

Then he reached out, spread his wings, and was gone.

After a moment, Gadreel gathered the courage to face the inevitable and coaxed his vessel into the common space.

“Everything alright?“ were the first words out of Liam’s mouth.

“Yes.“ He wondered how to explain what happened when he couldn’t explain it to himself. How broken was he that learning that a sister had tried to save his life shook him so badly that it resembled panic?

“It was Castiel. I discussed Thaddeus with him. He told me there are several more cases like this, two in one city and three in another. There might be more in Lincoln. I promised him to look for them on our watch.“

Despite the platitudes he’d told himself earlier, he still half expected a rebuke. He didn’t get it. They all perked up, in their own ways, and if either of them saw through the evasion, they didn’t let it show. Now that they had a real case to work, they quickly agreed to devote even more time to the cause.

He wasn’t allowed to dodge the issue altogether, of course. Once David was seated and making his way through their scrambled eggs with relish, Jay walked over and nudged Gadreel’s upper arm with her shoulder in a wordless offer of closeness. He drew her to himself, briefly, before giving her a reassuring smile.

“You know you can tell us if anything bothers you, right?“

“Yes.“

And he did. He didn’t know how to speak about the matter, but he knew he was welcome to try. Maybe between them and Castiel, somebody would help him understand if he let them.

He wanted the chance to work through it on his own, first.

Liam watched them from the other side of the room, but whatever he saw, it had to be acceptable, because he didn’t join the conversation and Jay let it drop.

It wasn’t until after the breakfast that Gadreel realized he forgot to tell Castiel about Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, everyone!


	4. Chapter 4

Two hours after a quick call made by Gadreel, Sam showed up. The buzzer wasn’t working, again, so Liam scooped up Growl and walked down to fetch him.

Sam’s gaze was searching on him when he opened the door and a corner of Liam’s lips quirked up.

“It’s Liam. Everyone else is just watching.“

Case in point, it was Gadreel’s attention on Growl, calming the critter enough to change a barking fit into an occasional muffled whuff.

“Um. Hey Liam. Everyone.“

There was a moment when Liam had to suppress a really complicated feeling as everyobody responded in their own way, even though they didn’t particularly try to take control. Liam would perhaps let them, but Jay’s shark-like grin, David’s shy smile and Gadreel’s confusing urge to both smile and withdraw just couldn’t fit onto one face.

“They say hi,“ he replied dryly, even though they didn’t, not really. He turned and led the hunter up. “How was the ride?“

“Fine, thank you.“

He could feel Sam’s eyes on the side of his face.

“I take it Gadreel told you why he called me?“

“Yes, he did.“

He could tell Sam wasn’t particularly happy with that answer, but he wasn’t about to compare notes with him. Gadreel needed to know he’s trusted more than Sam needed to be reassured.

Besides, he definitely wasn’t about to talk about resurrected angels in the hall where any curious neighbor could hear him. He knew from experience how much sound carried there.

Sam either caught on or didn’t want to pry, because he waited until they were behind closed door and Liam let a mostly calmed Growl down to sniff at Sam’s shoes. And then he nudged Gadreel to the front, earning a brief flare of panic.

_I think this is your case, isn’t it?_ he thought at him. _I want to hear and we can switch if you need me to, but I’d like you to be in charge for this._

There was that strange feeling as if the ground shifted beneath his feet as Gadreel braced himself for the encounter.

_Very well._

And then he was gently pushed to the background as Gadreel took control, even though so much of Liam’s attention stayed on the outside that he could barely sense the common space.

“Sam,“ Gadreel opened.

 

The angel’s diction was unmistakable, and it never failed to make Sam tense.

“Gadreel.“

He hated how wary and unsure it came out. Gadreel measured him for a moment, unreadable, but in the end he turned his back. Sam wondered if it was a calculated gesture.

“Come.“

Sam followed him, making sure not to trip over Growl.

There were very few advantages to facing someone who had been in your own skull, but maybe not having to pretend was one of them. Gadreel knew him inside out. If he tried to appear more relaxed than he was, Gadreel would see through it and interpret it as an even worse lack of trust.

Ironically, there was something calming about allowing himself to move as if a fight could break out, even if he didn’t really expect one.

He tried to at least give Gadreel space, but there wasn’t much space in the tiny apartment to give. The room was more of a kitchen than a living room, at least when counting pieces of furniture and equipment: half a counter with cupboards and a sink, a small buzzing fridge, a rickety table with a mismatched chair that both had to be a few decades old and possibly found at a dump. The only thing that played at being in a living room was a small bookcase with glass doors, over half full of carefully arranged books with cracked and faded spines.

Sam had the absurd urge to walk over and get an idea of what the four people living here liked to read. He let it pass.

Looking around, he definitely understood what Liam meant by Gadreel trying to turn the apartment into a greenhouse. There were flowerpots on every available surface: on the lone shelf that was probably originally meant for more books, in one empty corner, on the bookcase, under the ceiling on the cupboard, on the windowsill. If there were two flowerpots from the same set, Sam didn’t spot them, and some of the flowers looked as if somebody saved them from the same dump as the table and was carefully nursing them back to health. As far as Sam could tell, none of them were dangerous to dogs and there was a fluffy pillow underneath the one in the corner, undoubtedly for Growl.

It didn’t look quite convincingly like a home yet, but it did look like somebody was dead set on making it into one.

It was also cleaner than most motel rooms Sam’s slept in.

“Would you mind sitting on a blanket on the floor? We have only one kitchen chair.“

Sam blinked. Angels didn’t need to sit, he knew that from Cas. Even after all these years, Cas would probably leave him the chair and continue the conversation while standing in the middle of the room, perfectly oblivious to how awkward it was to his human counterpart.

Cas was his friend, though, and Gadreel was not. Gadreel was the angel who, less than half a minute ago, made Sam wonder whether it took courage to turn away and make himself vulnerable to a blade in the back.

Of course Gadreel knew the social and tactical implications of the situation – and of course Gadreel wanted to be on the same level with him. Making an indoor picnic out of it was a little weird, but it definitely worked.

“Sure, we can do that.“

Gadreel walked through the door in the far wall, presumably leading to his – their – bedroom, and reappeared a moment later with the blanket, a huge fluffy black and white affair that took the whole floor space when he spread it out.

Growl immediately hopped onto it to stake his territory. Sam smiled at the posturing little guy and then hesitated, looking at Gadreel for a hint what to do next.

Wrong person. The angel’s eyes unfocused for a second just as he seemed about to step forward, and then he kicked off his shoes as if he did it his whole life.

Sam suppressed a grin, though it was more relief than amusement, and followed suit.

“They are all there, aren’t they? Aware, I mean.“

Gadreel settled down with his long legs crossed in front of him. Sam mirrored him easily.

“Yes. I cannot prove it to you-“

“You just did.“

Gadreel’s eyebrows knitted together, but he caught on quickly. He contemplated his socked feet for a moment, then looked up with a smile so hesitant that it was more of a happy glow about him than an actual expression.

“I take it you have called Castiel to corroborate my story.“

He didn’t seem to mind, and Sam just shrugged instead of bothering to admit it out loud.

“We need to find whoever’s behind this.“

“We need to find more of these children first. There should be enough of them to see the pattern once we do.“

Sam settled in more comfortably.

“So what are the signs? How do I recognize the kids?“

It was so strange to talk to angels sometimes. Like now. Gadreel was probably thinking, but on the surface it looked as if he just watched Sam with a hint of wonder.

“I don’t know,“ he finally responded. “Not even I recognized Thaddeus right away. He was so weak that I hadn’t realized he was an angel until he recognized me and reached out to me. I thought… I would have to be very open with my presence to both have my full senses and to make the children react. It could cause many awkward situations.“

Sam stared at him, not quite sure he understood right.

“So you, what? Want me to tag along to get you out of awkward situations?“

“If it’s not too much to ask, yes. I can’t think of any way you could detect these angels that wouldn’t be harmful to them or their vessels, or too obvious. These children are too young. They are always going to be accompanied by an adult. Liam is better at calming people down than I am, but two men stopping by a playground are always going to raise less suspicion than one.“

Sam had no idea where that kind of insight came from. Or rather, he didn’t know whether it was a piece of advice Liam gave out voluntarily, or Gadreel just read his vessel in too much detail.

He suddenly wasn’t too keen about staying in the room.

“Fine. We should go. It’s Sunday, we won’t get a better chance than this.“

Gadreel tilted his head, visibly taken aback.

“Don’t you need something to eat or drink?“

Sam shook his head.

“I’m fine. There aren’t going to be many kids out around lunchtime. We’ll hit a diner then.“

Not giving the angel much of a chance to protest, he stood up and stepped off the blanket. He wasn’t quite sure, but he thought Gadreel’s face fell. Or at least closed off.

“As you wish.“

They both put their shoes back on. Gadreel carefully folded the blanket and carried it away before he herded Sam out of the tiny apartment.

 

The thing about playgrounds is, they are within walking distance from each other. So they walked, Growl running ahead of them as far as the leash allowed.

The silence between them wasn’t oppressive.

As far as Sam could tell, it was still Gadreel behind the wheel and probably the others tagging along. It made him churn with questions he would have to ask somebody else even if he wanted to pry.

Didn’t they ever grow bored, when only one of them could do anything at any given moment? Weren’t they uneasy, being aware of how their body moved but not being the ones moving it? Or were they so used to it, and did they trust each other so much, that it simply felt like riding shotgun?

“Gadreel?“

“Yes?“

“What do you do when somebody else is in charge?“

Gadreel glanced at him.

“What exactly are you asking?“

Sam grimaced a little and shook his head.

“I’m not sure.“

He tried to come up with a less vague question, but before he made up his mind, Gadreel already started talking.

“It depends on who is ‘in charge’, as you say. Liam usually doesn’t mind me watching. We talk often. He has taught me a lot about humanity, about the world, about your customs. Jay takes control rarely, but when she does, she almost always wants us dormant. David always wants at least Liam to guard him, though lately there have been a few cases when he entrusted that duty to me.“

Gadreel’s voice was very calm, almost too calm. Sam had an idea of what guard duty meant to him, but if he was proud or nervous about it now, he didn’t let it show.

Sam got a sudden urge to push him, to see where this gentle persona ended and the clawed creature exploiting every weak spot began. He suppressed it. From Gadreel, every response was a peace offering; Sam didn’t believe for a second he was naturally that open towards him.

It took two to make peace.

“Are you fine with this, living pretty much Liam’s – sorry, their – life? Isn’t it strange for an angel?“

This time, Gadreel smiled briefly.

“Yes, a little, but not in the way you think. It’s normal for an angel to exist as one out of many. My mistakes, my experiences made me so different from all others, I feared I would never be able to reconnect with them.“

There were cracks in Gadreel’s calm, now. Sam was almost glad that minding Growl gave the angel enough excuses to look away and down.

“I was right,“ Gadreel continued. “What I didn’t expect was to find the same companionship with a human soul. It seems that what made me unfit to be a part of the Host has made me somehow closer to human.“

Sam nodded to himself and pushed his hands into his pockets when they arrived at the next playground. There weren’t all that many children out and even fewer were in the age range all the resurrected angels seemed to be.

“Must be hard to get used to,“ he commented, more to keep up the image of two guys randomly stopping by than out of any desire to continue prying.

“In some ways,“ Gadreel agreed. “I wonder if this was God’s intention when he chose my punishment. As you said to me, humanity today is defined by how you face adversity. It is defined by suffering that I allowed to happen. Maybe I was made to suffer to know what I’d done, but maybe it was also a chance for me to grow closer to you. To stand here with humanity, not apart. Neither above nor below.“

“That’s-“ Messed up. That wasn’t a good way to put it. “You know you don’t have to be grateful for your own torture, right?“

“I’m not.“ Gadreel smiled a little. “Jay and Liam both have very strong opinions on the matter. But I can choose how to interpret what happened to me. I can choose the lesson I’ve learned. I prefer it to be understanding and compassion for others who suffer. Whether it was intentional or not I cannot say, but it calms me to think that perhaps, I wasn’t meant to be entirely damned.“

Put like that, there wasn’t much to say. Sam pushed his hands deeper into his pockets and turned his attention back to the children.

“Feel anything?“

“No.“

Growl ran happily ahead when they moved again.

 

They talked a little more about insignificant things, like what Gadreel thinks when his vessel goes grocery shopping, and even, eventually, what kind of books each of them likes. Sam secretly enjoyed Gadreel’s bemusement as the angel couldn’t figure out his aim, but to his own surprise, he enjoyed it even more when Gadreel finally figured out there’s no trap at the end of the string of questions. He took them all with a fragile kind of wonder as if they were somehow special, and even dared to ask a few of his own.

Sam didn’t miss that they were all about things Sam hadn’t known when Gadreel possessed him. It was either caution or a strange kind of courtesy that kept Gadreel from pretending he didn’t know his former vessel inside out. Or maybe he was genuinely curious how his life has been since then.

It wasn’t an unpleasant hour. Neither was the next one, when Liam took the helm and they ate lunch.

This time, when Gadreel came back out, Sam didn’t flinch. They paid their meal, Gadreel surreptitiously checked the young twins who just came in with their parents, and they left the diner side by side.

It was almost a pity to return to the case.

“Do you know what Heaven wants to do with these resurrected angels?“

Gadreel gave him a glance, untangled Growl from his leash and set him gently on the ground.

“Save both the angel and the vessel, I hope. According to Castiel, there were already some attempts in that direction.“

That wasn’t a hopeful wording.

“Did they go wrong?“

“They didn’t go well. Nobody was able to separate the two, not even to talk purely to the child or to the angel.“

Sam’s eyebrows knitted together as he contemplated this.

“Is it even possible for an angel to fuse with his vessel like that? How did they even possess the children if some of them don’t even talk yet?“

“The ability to accept or reject something comes very early. Perhaps as early as in the womb.“

Sam fought not to get sick.

“Are you telling me you’d be able to get a yes out of an unborn baby?“

“Not me. I’m still weak but too strong already for any young child. I would tear them apart if I tried to enter. Before that, my voice would probably overwhelm them to the point of pain. I wouldn’t be accepted.“

Sam frowned, trying to catch something that seemed to go unsaid in that reply.

“What are you saying?“

Gadreel seemed to gather his thoughts for a while. Or maybe he was first consulting his idea with his vessel.

“I don’t know if any of these angels planned for this, if they agreed to somehow plant their seed into a child who couldn’t defend themselves. I wouldn’t put it past Thaddeus and I don’t know who the others are. I do know that a lost, anchorless angel, pained and confused and near death, would never be able to whisper to a baby softly enough to be accepted, unless they were so weak that they were nothing more than the whisper.“

“So the kids can survive it for a while, we knew that.“

“That’s only part of it. We also know the angels aren’t any more aware of themselves than the children are, perhaps even less. I remember being reduced so severely that I was nothing but shame and instinct. Both led me to become a part of my vessel’s soul before I became aware of what I’ve done. Still I couldn’t take it back. I’m not sure to this day I would be able to leave this vessel if I wanted. I’m not sure I would be able to leave if they wanted me to. I’m not sure it will change as I get stronger.“

Sam almost choked on the enormity of that reveal. His mind whirled with what it meant for Liam and the others. He wondered if they still listen in and what do they think, but if it was anything new to them, they needed to talk about it with Gadreel first.

He forced himself to return to the case.

“So you really think they are fused together.“

“I find it likely. It’s premature to give up hope, though. I may be wrong. Even if I’m not, Castiel was able to help me when I was in a similar state. He, Liam and Jay found me, made me aware of myself again and drew me out. None of us desired to sever the connection completely, so we didn’t make an effort to that end, but we did weaken it. Perhaps Jay, who is best versed in the symbolism and complexity of a soul, could be convinced to do the same for those children with my assistance.“

Sam wasn’t quite sure what Gadreel means by that, but he let it pass.

 

In the end, they didn’t find the angel child. She found them. Curls flying from under her bright green helmet, heading straight at them down a moderate slope on her balance bike, an exasperated mother running after her, she would have collided with them if Gadreel hadn’t noticed her at the nick of time and turned on his heel to catch her.

She pretty much flew into his arms with the momentum, the bike crashing into Gadreel’s legs, unnoticed by the angel.

Sam was no expert on child ages, but he didn’t think she was much older than four. Sitting on the forearm of a total stranger with equally total trust, she stared at Gadreel in awe and adoration, small chubby brown hands coming up to rest gently on his cheeks.

Gadreel was more complicated to read. There was a hint of awe as well, something gentle and safe that made Sam wish he didn’t have any history with the angel and could just now meet him for the first time, but much too soon, it gave way to tension. Gadreel’s hold never wavered, but now he looked at her as if she was bad news.

“Sam. Call Castiel. Make sure he is safe.“

“Why?“ Sam asked even as he was already drawing his phone from his back pocket.

Gadreel didn’t look away from her for a second as if she could vanish if he did.

“Because she is Castiel.“


	5. Chapter 5

The phone was already ringing by the time it dawned on Sam that they’re a few years too late to make the check.

“Must have happened one of those times Cas was dead,“ he muttered to Gadreel and greeted the mother of the little girl with a fleeting apologetic smile when she jogged up to them.

“Castiel would never agree to this.“

“Yeah. Someone did this without-“

The call connected.

“Hello, Sam.“

“Hey Cas. Can you meet us at Liam’s in half an hour? We have some news.“

“I will be there.“

“Thanks.“

The mother was apologizing to Gadreel by the time Sam disconnected the call.

“Not your fault,“ Gadreel reassured her without even glancing at her. Now that the initial fright wore off, he was back to taking in the little girl with cautious wonder.

The woman stepped closer, bemused and nervous.

“Aisha, sweetie, come here,“ she coaxed, only to be ignored completely, the little girl as lost in Gadreel as he was in her.

Sam grimaced apologetically when the mother met his eyes.

“Kids really like him for some reason,“ was the best he managed. So much for diffusing awkward situations. He at least untangled the bike from Gadreel’s legs, checked it briefly for damage and set it aside, because the angel hasn’t yet bothered to even step away from it.

“I can see that.“

“You said her name was Aisha?“

The mother put her hands on her hips, still breathing hard from her jog earlier, and studied the motionless sculpture of her daughter with the tall white guy with a faint frown.

“That’s the one we gave her, but ask her yourself.“

“Castiel,“ Gadreel said, so very softly. “You call yourself Castiel?“

Sam wanted to kick him. The girl didn’t reply, too immersed in Gadreel’s eyes, or more likely grace, and the mother stared at Gadreel, weirded out.

“Cassie. For about a month or so.“

“That makes sense,“ Gadreel said.

“It does? Because it doesn’t make sense to me. Who the heck are you?“

“He’s just good at these things,“ Sam jumped in before Gadreel could say anything.

“Just good at these things,“ the mother repeated supremely dubiously and eyed them both.

That was when the girl hugged Gadreel, still wordlessly, and Gadreel pretty much snuggled into her, as much as he could with the hard helmet on her head.

Sam sighed and took over Growl, who had grown bored during the exchange and was doing his best to tie them all together with his leash.

The mother shook her head, apparently having concluded she’s not going anywhere for the foreseeable future. Sam grasped the opportunity while he could.

“Did she ever do anything like this?”

“No.“ But she looked thoughtful.

“Anything similar?“ he pushed gently.

He could almost feel the woman think. And consider what to tell him.

“She’s really close with a couple of kids from the daycare. They do this sometimes. Just sit together without a word, or huddle around one who is upset and hug it out. The teachers all say they’ve never seen anything like it, but they’re perfectly normal the rest of the time, so we never thought much of it. Maybe we should have. Don’t take it the wrong way, but I don’t want her to hug-attack strangers out of the blue.“

He gave her his best reassuring smile.

“I understand.“

Growl started another circle around them. Both the woman and Sam stepped over the leash before it hit their legs. Gadreel and the girl seemed to be completely in a world of their own.

“Those other kids, were they so close since the moment they met, or did it take them a while?“

She measured him, then Gadreel with her daughter, then Sam again.

“You know what’s going on, don’t you?“

Another smile. He hoped she didn’t notice how she startled him.

“No. I’m just curious.“

She snorted.

“Curious my ass. Aisha started it, fine, but show me a normal guy who’d react like your buddy here. And show me another normal guy who wouldn’t be all nervous about how unmanly the first guy is and how weird vibes he gives off. No. You know something.“

“Uh. No, sorry. I’m just used to him by now, so I guess-“

“You will think it’s very strange,“ Gadreel interrupted. “You probably won’t believe us.“

“Gad, don’t-“

Gadreel looked straight at him, so peaceful it hurt.

“No, Sam. I’ve learned enough about good intentions and lies.“ He turned to the woman. “Your daughter is part angel. More than likely, so are her friends.“

 

Aisha’s mother stared at him as if he lost his mind. Gadreel didn’t expect anything else from her. Neither did Liam and Jay, both waiting just a step away from control. It felt like having them at his back. It felt nice.

She snorted.

“Sorry. I love my husband, he’s an amazing man, but he’s no angel. Really, really not.“

She was worried, for her daughter probably, but even so, hilarity flared bright in her soul.

“It’s not hereditary. Something happened to her and how she carries part of an angel inside her. The angel’s name is Castiel. It is why she calls herself Cassie. I’m afraid I can’t tell you much about it, we don’t know yet why it is happening or what to expect next, but she and her friends aren’t the only ones.”

He wasn’t quite sure how much the fragment of Castiel in the little girl, or the little girl herself, understand, but he withheld nothing from them, their graces intermingled as much as they could be, coming from two envesseled angels so weak. She straightened, listening to him intently, one tiny palm warm against the side of his neck.

“And that makes you..?“ her mother quirked a dubious eyebrow at him.

“An angel. Castiel is so trusting towards me because she recognized me as her own.“

“Uh-huh.“

Her distrust wasn’t surprising. It was perhaps even a little reassuring – everything Liam ever told him pointed to a world where it would be truly worrying if she trusted him right away. Especially when it was about her child.

“May I prove myself to you?“

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,“ Sam jumped in, glancing around. Nobody paid them much attention, but there were people around.

“Inconspicuously,“ Gadreel agreed.

She studied him for a moment longer, expression softening when she met her daughter’s eyes.

“Fine. Bring it on.“

He shifted Aisha-Castiel more securely onto one forearm and reached out to touch the woman’s forehead.

His grace ached when he stretched it for the first time since his reawakening beyond the confines of his vessel. He took a moment to adjust as the woman’s – Denise’s – thoughts and emotions came to a sharper relief.

He bypassed them, as much as he was able, and let his grace trickle through the body, looking for something to amend.

She was strong and healthy, long accustomed to carrying her own weight, though her heart beat a little faster than expected, either from nervousness or still that jog earlier. Deeper down, it was clear Aisha’s birth and possibly some attempts after that took their toll – there won’t be another child without intervention. Nothing he was strong enough to mend at the moment, nothing that would prove him right then even if he was, but he resolved to ask her later if she wants his help. He passed the womb and the tubes and looked further.

There.

Her hips were weakened, worn down a little by her weight and the pregnancy, and they were aching after her jog after her daughter, especially the right, more damaged one. Again, nothing he could completely heal right away.

He soothed the inflamed ligaments around both and took away the pain.

It was a great relief to withdraw fully to his vessel. Liam and Jay propped him up when he nearly lost control. He must have staggered nonetheless, because Sam held his arm and Aisha’s back when he took account of his surroundings, and Aisha clung to him tighter.

“Thank you,“ he said softly, and Sam nodded and let go of them both.

Denise decided she had enough and simply took Aisha from him, with little resistance from either of them, even though Gadreel would have loved to hold onto the spark of Castiel in her a little longer.

“Your hips shouldn’t hurt for a while,“ Gadreel told Denise. “They aren’t truly healed, but they should feel better. I’d also like to help you if you want another child.“

There was a second of stunned silence from everybody, even Liam and Jay, as if he said something wrong or deeply inappropriate.

“He means heal you,“ Sam said, his voice a little higher than usual. “Right? You can’t have more children?“

Jay began giggling at the back of his mind, which didn’t help him understand at all.

“Of course,“ he confirmed a little uncertainly. “One of your tubes is severed. There is scarring on both ovaries and a badly healed scar in the wall of your womb. I’m not sure you can conceive and you probably can’t carry to term. I can heal you. Not now, but once I’m stronger.”

_Please tell her none of it would involve sex,_ Liam spoke up suddenly, which only confused him further.

_But it would? She mentioned a beloved husband. Why would she want to conceive without him?_

By then, Jay was laughing uncontrollably, nearly making the body laugh as well.

_With you,_ Liam explained, a little too emphatically to sound patient. _It wouldn’t involve sex with you._

_Of course not!_

_She doesn’t know that._

_Why would she think-_

“Sorry,“ Sam said. “Angels are a little clueless sometimes. I swear he meant it perfectly innocently.“

“Uh-huh.“ She lifted Aisha in her arms to carry a little more comfortably. She paused a little. He hoped it was because she found out her hips really don’t ache anymore. “So you got all that from a touch. You’re definitely something, I’ll grant you that.“

That hurt. Even though it shouldn’t have. The helplessness was worse.

“You’re careful for your daughter’s sake, I understand. I don’t know how else to convince you.“

“You saw it,“ Sam interjected. “Aisha found Gadreel, not the other way around. You said it yourself, she never did anything like this to another adult, only to those other kids at daycare, and he knew exactly how to react. You don’t have to believe us what he is, but you know they have something in common, right?“

Denise hesitated. Sam used the opportunity to continue.

“You’re scared. I get it. You have a reason to be. But we want to help her. We can’t help her if you don’t let us. We aren’t asking you to let her out of your sight, we just want you to keep in contact with us. There’s still a lot about the whole situation we don’t know. We want a way to get back to you once we do, besides bumping into you on the street.“

It was so familiar, that mix of earnestness and masterful performance that made people trust Sam so easily. Denise wasn’t immune, but she wasn’t gullible, either.

“What situation, and why do you think she needs help?“

Sam glanced at him, a clear cue to take over.

“It’s not natural for a child so young to host an angel. It’s a strain on both the body and the soul. Much as I love Castiel, we need to find a way for them to part.“

“She isn’t in danger right now,“ Sam filled in. “And won’t be for a while yet. But the sooner we can solve this, the better.“

Aisha, perhaps luckily, didn’t seem to understand what they were talking about, and neither did the spark of Castiel in her. If anything, Castiel seemed to be pondering ways how to snuggle back into Gadreel’s grace.

Gadreel had done the same, once. He had been new and lost and overwhelmed by the complexity of the Universe and his own existence back then, and he’d just met the archangels, and he hid under Michael’s wings because Michael was the same as him but strong and wonderful and safe.

Gadreel may have been an angel, granted instinctive knowledge beyond human comprehension, but he had still needed time to process, to find his place among his siblings. Above all, he had needed companionship; the Universe, raw and unformed as it had been back then, was already held together by love, from the smallest particles to the masses destined to form galaxies, and angels, almost equally raw, felt the same gravity towards each other.

There had been so very few of them back then, long before the bulk of the Host came to be.

It was daunting to realize that to this echo of Castiel, he was the safe haven Michael and the other archangels had been to him. The first ever somewhat stable and infinitely more experienced sibling the little one has met, at least until her memories came back.

She had her friends, but they weren’t any better off than her.

She had Aisha, but Aisha was the reason Castiel reacted so very similarly to how a human child would.

She had a mother to raise her and love her, but Denise had no grace and Gadreel doubted Castiel could reach a soul in any other body than her vessel’s.

She had to be so lost.

She and all the others.

“I propose a test,“ he said to Denise. “Please, ask the parents of Aisha’s friends to meet us and bring their children. Your choice of place, though I expect we will need to talk afterwards, privately. They will react to me the same way as Aisha and Castiel, even if you prevent her from setting an example to them.”

She considered it for a moment.

“I can get you one of them for starters. The rest of them I don’t know that well and I won’t play the crazy woman for you until I’m sure.“

“That is fair.“

Sam smiled at her and pulled his phone back out.

“Can I give you my number?“

 

They managed to exchange numbers with Aisha’s mother and leave, though Aisha kicked up a fuss when she realized they’re parting ways and ran back to Gadreel.

This time he knelt to catch her in a hug while her mother walked back to them, exasperated but resigned. She didn’t try to pull her daughter back or command her to let go, which was a relief.

Gadreel said something to the little girl, so softly that Sam didn’t catch it, and then just held her for a moment longer. It was her who drew back eventually, although she didn’t look happy about it.

Then she took her balance bike and determinedly waddled back up the slope she had ridden down at the beginning of the encounter, never once looking back.

Sam wondered how much of that was the spark of Cas in her.

He also couldn’t help but wonder how Cas will react to having a baby clone of himself.

“Thank you,“ Gadreel said, watching wistfully as mother and daughter turned a corner and vanished from his sight.

“What for?“

“For supporting me.“

He looked bereft as if part of him left with the girl.

Sam shrugged and bent down to disentangle himself from Growl’s leash. The little guy, who ended up sitting on his foot sometime towards the end of the exchange, jumped up and tried to run forward.

“Hey. Easy. Wait a moment.“

Of course it did nothing to get Growl’s cooperation, but at least he now apparently saw him as part of the pack and stopped yapping at him. Sam had a lot of time to think before he could hand the leash over to Gadreel.

Gadreel took it gingerly, careful not to touch his skin.

“That’s what you brought me for, wasn’t it?“

He could immediately tell the statement didn’t make Gadreel happy, though all he did was to turn away and start hesitantly towards home, making Sam follow. Sam took a breath, then slowly let it out.

“Look. I’m not going to turn on you. Stop expecting me to.“

Gadreel gave him a side eye, then went back to watching Growl.

The silence wasn’t fair. But neither had been his demand. Sam gritted his teeth and ignored the temptation to just let Gadreel wallow in guilt if he wanted to.

“I don’t forgive you. I can’t and to be honest, I don’t think I should. There’s still a mom out there with a ghost for a son, and that’s on you.“

Gadreel simply nodded, not meeting his eyes.

“But I want to put it behind me. Not because you’re useful, but because I think you never stood much of a chance to do any better. You have that chance now and I can see what you’re doing with it. I honestly believe this is much more _you_ than- before. And I won’t ruin that for you. I won’t test you, or attack you, or whatever it is you think I want to do to you. I can’t say I’ll always support you, but I won’t tear you down. Do you trust me in that?“

Gadreel looked at him.

“You know I had many chances.“

“Yeah, and you would’ve died for most of them. Heck, if you’d turned right at one of them, I’d be dead now. Knowing him, Dean would be, too. And Cas for sure. I hate what you did to me, but I don’t hate being alive. It’s a mess, so. Let’s just move on.“

“You are a truly exceptional man, Sam Winchester.“

Sam shrugged off his uneasiness.

“I’ve made my share of horrible mistakes. I don’t deserve forgiveness for them any more than you do, but-“

He pushed his hands into his pockets and let the sentence hang, because Gadreel likely knew all this anyway.

For a little while, it seemed Gadreel would let him off the hook, but then he spoke.

“You are allowed to move on. You’ve paid hundredfold for every mistake. You are a good man.“

Sam shook his head.

“Thanks.“

Gadreel stopped walking.

“Sam.“

Sam stopped as well. Gadreel wouldn’t like what would come out of his mouth if he let it. Things like _I don’t care what you think, you don’t have the right to judge me,_ and worse. Things he couldn’t say if he wanted to keep his promise that he wouldn’t tear the angel down. He collected himself and turned, forced himself to meet Gadreel’s all too earnest eyes.

“I know you through and through. You have every right to hate me for how it came to be, but you can’t deny it. You are thoroughly and utterly a good person, Sam Winchester. You said to me what you wish somebody told you because you don’t want me to suffer the same way you do. Isn’t that the definition of mercy? I’m no victim of yours so I can’t return the favor, but I can tell you this: there’s no justice in the world if you haven’t been forgiven for your sins long ago. You are human. You don’t have to be flawless to be good.“

Sam swallowed. His eyes burned. Why would Gadreel of all people affect him so much, he didn’t know.

“Thanks,“ he repeated. “I appreciate it.“

“You aren’t convinced.“

Sam had to smile at the observation, and the frustration behind it. The smile was weak and didn’t quite fit his face, but it was there.

“No. But it matters.“

And it did. For whatever reason, it did.

Gadreel reached out to him, but let his arm fall back to his side before he finished the gesture.

Sam smiled at him, this time for real, and didn’t keep much of a distance when they started walking again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100% honesty? I know I’m taking shortcuts in character development. I’m sorry, but I don’t have it in me to wait 50-100k words for these two idiots to open up to each other. This will have to do. :)
> 
> Big thank you to everyone who commented last chapter! I was losing hope anybody would show much interest in this fic, so each comment was a great gift. Every kudos counts, too, and helps me keep going. :)
> 
> Till next time!


	6. Chapter 6

Four days later, they met again: Gadreel, Castiel, Sam, Liam, Jay and Dean. It was Liam who suggested neutral territory when he found out Dean was coming. Somehow, that ended up with Castiel sliding into a diner booth next to Dean, leaving Gadreel on the other side of the table and Sam forced to sit next to him.

Gadreel didn’t quite know whether to press himself against the window or pretend everything was fine, but Sam barely hesitated to settle in. He seemed comfortable, too, body slightly turned towards Gadreel and one elbow resting on the table.

Still, David took in the tension in the group and retreated so deep Gadreel would have to go looking for him to sense him at all.

Dean, to Gadreel’s surprise and slight confusion, remained civil. Whatever picture he and Sam presented, it seemed to appease the older hunter; he limited himself to the occasional glare and otherwise stayed firmly on the topic.

They weren’t any closer to solving the mystery, though. Castiel had found another fragment of an angel in another child, but his attempt to get close enough to recognize the angel failed for exactly the same reason Gadreel had wanted to have Sam with him the last time. Gadreel’s heart hurt for the tiny angel who apparently barely opened up to Castiel when Castiel had to withdraw to avoid the police being called on him. Castiel, however, claimed he did get a glimpse of the angel’s grace but couldn’t place it. He suspected it meant the angel had died long before the current era.

It truly seemed all the dead angels were coming back. It made Gadreel wonder if God might be behind it after all. They had ruled Him out because of the danger to the children’s souls, but far as Gadreel could tell without reaching Aisha’s soul directly, the girl wasn’t in any distress. In fact, it seemed the angel was more influenced by the child than the child by the angel.

It wasn’t an observation he was comfortable sharing in his current company, well aware there is no such thing as a harmless possession in the hunters’ book.

He was lucky they let his vessel choose for themselves.

They decided rather quickly on what to do. Gadreel suspected it was because Castiel and the Winchesters had discussed it before, but he didn’t mind.

They left the diner and aimed for a nearby park, where Denise told them to meet. Only he and Sam walked to the place directly; none of them knew how would Castiel’s echo react to Castiel himself and Dean agreed to stay out of the encounter for the time being.

They could see Aisha on a swing in the distance, watched over by another adult.

Denise was there with another woman, shorter and slighter but just as resilient. They were playing with a boy perhaps half a year younger than Aisha, trying to distract him from running after her. He seemed to be at the end of his patience and neither of the women has had the chance to spot Gadreel yet.

Gadreel hesitated for a moment, but any words he could exchange with the women would only give the boy a chance to escape.

In careful increments, he revealed his grace.

This time, he felt the echo of Heaven in the child before the boy spotted him, though he wasn’t close enough to recognize the angel.

Then the child looked at him and stopped trying to wriggle free from his mother’s hold. His grace focused, shone a little brighter, like winter sun behind a thinning curtain of clouds. Denise and the other woman exchanged a couple of words, but they were merely background noise. What was important was the boy being released and slowly, hesitantly coming closer.

The angel in him was so weak that it seemed a breath could snuff him out.

Gadreel knelt down, letting the little one decide whether it was safe to approach, because he truly wasn’t sure. All he could do was to make himself as soft and welcoming as he was able and wait.

Something niggled at the back of his mind when the child angel came near: a long-forgotten memory. The youngest ranks of angels, wave after wave of them, so tiny compared to the might of their oldest siblings that they shied from them, seeking shelter under the wings of the middle ranks instead. It took them such a long time to get used to any kind of challenge that Gadreel had never had the chance to get to know them before everything went wrong.

Maybe he hadn’t tried enough, too fascinated by the newly created life on Earth to pay attention to his youngest siblings.

The boy stopped in front of him, silent and sweet, never breaking eye contact. Then he raised his hand and placed an open palm over Gadreel’s vessel’s heart.

Gadreel’s breath caught.

“You are a cupid, aren’t you?“

The child and the angel just stared at him, uncomprehending.

Then he was tackled from the side with enough force to go sprawling over the grass.

He couldn’t find it in him to feel threatened, much less defend himself. The sensation was so strange that he fought to get ready just on principle, limbs barely cooperating, until he recognized his attacker.

Aisha’s body was warm but Castiel’s grace was warmer as she burrowed into him. He had barely a second to open up to her when she was lifted off him, small hands grasping at him as she went.

Blinking, bereft, he tried to take stock of the situation.

Liam was there, supportive as always, and Sam stood over him, holding back Aisha who – still silently but determinedly – struggled to get free.

Sam’s attention was divided between the girl in his arms and him, and he was trying to ask-

“I’m fine. You can let her go.“

Sam thankfully didn’t even hesitate, and Castiel outright flew back into his arms.

He wrapped himself around her, disquieted.

This should have ended badly. If he reacted to her the way he reacted to any other angel, even her adult counterpart, he would have frozen in the spot and perhaps lashed out if he realized he could. None of it happened. None of it even threatened to happen – and he was grateful, he was, hurting her was the last thing he wanted to happen, but he couldn’t help but wonder what was so fundamentally different about her that his defenses failed.

Maybe it was because she felt so new and pure. Maybe she reminded him so strongly of the beginning that she connected straight to the part of him that wasn’t mangled by all those years of torture and weighted down by his own mistakes.

For such a small fragment of an angel, she sure made him feel whole.

He still marveled over that fact when the cupid hesitantly joined them, snuggling perhaps more to Castiel than to him but definitely curious.

They were both of them so innocent, so trusting, as if nothing truly bad ever happened to them. As if somebody took the purest core of the dead angels and stripped away everything that ever made them jaded or afraid. They didn’t just lack memories, they felt truly young, though hopefully not as overwhelmed as they all had been at the beginning.

It took him a while to remember he wasn’t there only to give them reassurance. By that time, he had both children in his lap, the two of them holding hands but both equally leaning against him even if the cupid’s grace still protected itself a little more.

He looked up to find everyone watching him, and gave them a faint smile.

Denise quirked an eyebrow at him.

“Don’t you want to get up from the ground? You’ll catch a cold.“

She was leaning comfortably into a man he didn’t know, so much happier and sure of herself with his arm around her waist. He could only conclude it was the husband she had mentioned.

He inclined his head.

“Thank you for your concern, but I can defend my vessel from most sicknesses.”

Belatedly, he realized it was probably strange for her to talk down at him. He weighed his options, but he didn’t feel strong enough to rise safely with two children in his arms and wasn’t quite willing to let go of them yet.

“Maybe we could all move over there and sit down?“ Sam suggested, indicating a couple of benches nearby.

The boy’s mother nodded and stepped in, gently taking the children’s linked hands.

“Johnny. Cassie. Come. We will walk a little, okay? Just to the benches there. You can hold hands the whole time.“

He could feel it when she got the children’s and the angels’ attention, their graces turning towards her to bask in her kindness. They both stood up without protest, though Castiel grabbed his hand and tried to help him up, too.

He rose and followed her.

 

They were all the sort of people Sam would have loved to have as neighbors if his dreams of a normal life had come true. William, Aisha’s dad, was built like a giant teddy bear and talked about as much, but he got them all to introduce themselves and listened intently. Denise, Aisha’s mom, was definitely the sceptic of the group, but never just for the sake of being contrary, and she and Lena, the other mom, were obviously friends. And discussed the whole angel business beforehand.

The kids, of course, crawled into Gadreel’s lap the moment it was available again. It was both adorable and disconcerting, but it gave Gadreel a kind of softness that the other three adults seemed to find hard to resist.

Gadreel managed to introduce himself without a flinch and none of the three batted an eye. Sam hoped they wouldn’t look it up later. The only hitch came when Gadreel explained vessels and consent. Seeing the adults dubious and weirded out led Liam to make an appearance, much to the children’s dismay. Aisha scowled and Johnny froze and grabbed onto her, bewildered by the change. Several answers in, they both slid down from his knees and went to their respective parents.

“And you didn’t think you’ve lost your mind?“ came the inevitable question. From Denise, of course.

A corner of Liam’s mouth quirked up.

“Of course I did. It took Gadreel quite a long time to convince me. But mental illness doesn’t give people supernatural abilities. I don’t need to sleep as much, I’m never sick, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Some of the things that have happened can’t be explained by me being delusional. Not to mention most illnesses make you worse, not better. It took a while, but yes, I do believe now that Gadreel is an actual angel.“

“And you’re fine like this. Just along for the ride.“

Liam smiled.

“Yes. And it’s the other way around. Usually Gadreel is along for the ride and I live a normal life. It’s what we both prefer.“

Denise glanced at Sam and gestured to Liam.

“You know them both?“

“Yes.“

“How did he convince you he’s an angel?“

Sam froze. There were so many possible answers, but they had agreed they shouldn’t drag hunting into it. The less these people knew, the less they had to deal with.

“I was Gadreel’s previous vessel. It’s how we got to know each other.“

It was so easy and at the same time so difficult to say. Sam gave Denise a fleeting smile, too late. She already noticed something was amiss, going by her narrowed eyes.

“So, why hop from one to another?“

Even though Sam was pretty sure it was still Liam in control of that body, the man hesitated.

“Being an angel vessel isn’t for everyone,“ Sam responded before Liam, or worse, Gadreel, could. “Eventually I asked him to leave and he did.“

Denise lifted her eyebrows.

“No hard feelings?“

She directed that question at Gadreel first, and it was enough to turn Sam’s stomach. Gadreel switched with Liam so fast that it looked as if he jerked back from the question, the tell-tale flash of faint blue light all the proof anybody would need if they were looking.

“No. Sam had every right to refuse to host me anymore. It’s one of the things we don’t understand about the situation your children are in. An angel needs permission to possess a vessel. Acceptance is a very simple emotion and might be enough, but we don’t understand how Castiel and Johnny’s angel made themselves pleasant and undisturbing enough to gain it.“

Sam let out a long breath. Sometimes he forgot that Gadreel did know how to play people when he needed to. Both kids perked up and attached themselves back to Gadreel as if on magnets and it was clear there won’t be any more personal questions for the time being.

“Johnny’s angel?“ Lena asked. “You know Aisha’s by name but not Johnny’s?“

“Johnny’s is very weak. He is a cupid, a very low-rank angel. I would recognize him if I knew him, but I didn’t have many chances to interact with them.“

“So you’re, what? A high-rank angel?“ Denise asked.

Sam was pretty sure he was the only one who spotted Gadreel’s tiny flinch.

“I used to be. I’m currently very weakened, too.“

Lena shifted her weight and leaned in to see Gadreel better.

“Why do you think they needed to make themselves ‘pleasang and undisturbing’?”

“An angel in full power can be ovewhelming to a human being.” He tilted his head. “Imagine music playing so loud it blinds you. It’s not just a matter of power, we already know they were very weak. But they also must have been distressed-“

He paused suddenly and sought out Sam’s gaze, but what he was trying to convey, Sam didn’t know.

“You really don’t have many answers, do you?“ Denise said, almost softly.

“I think we have even fewer answers than we thought we had. Sam, I think we need Castiel here after all.“

Sam hesitated. He didn’t like the badly hidden urgency in Gadreel’s voice, and he liked the change in plans even less. But they had agreed to keep Cas out of it just in case, they hadn’t thought it very likely that it could hurt either Castiel to meet their doppleganger, and as it was, this was moving nowhere.

“I’ll call him.“

“Wait, what? What are you talking about?“

“We need to call a friend,“ Sam told Denise. He is- You could say he’s the original Castiel. Please bear with us.“

“Original? What do you mean, original?“

Sam took a breath, thinking fast, but Gadreel was faster.

“I recognized Castiel in Aisha because I know Castiel. As Cassie, she is undoubtedly my sister but she is incomplete, unknowing and malleable enough to act like a human child. It’s a very unnatural state of being for an angel. All of the child angels we have recognized so far were once complete and are now dead, with Castiel’s exception. We thought someone is trying to bring dead angels back, but I’m not so sure anymore. I’m not sure if they are meant to ever grow out of their human-like state. I think Castiel, being Cassie’s counterpart, could recognize better than I can whether she has the potential to grow.“

“And if she doesn’t?” William asked.

“Then it Is even more likely that whoever is behind this plans to abuse the angels and the children in some form.“

It didn’t take much convincing after that.

 

Castiel was very careful when he approached the group, keeping his nature hidden as both he and Dean greeted the adults. The children barely glanced at the new arrivals, both comfortably tucked under Gadreel’s arms and basking in his and each other’s grace. Worried as he was, he couldn’t help but welcome them.

Castiel came closer and knelt in front of them, taking them both in.

Then, very slowly, he let the first wisps of his true form shine through.

It was Johnny, surprisingly, who turned his attention to him first, his grace glowing with calm and friendly curiosity.

Then Cassie caught a whiff of the familiar grace and sat up straight, surprised. Gadreel prepared to catch her, but nothing else happened. Castiel focused more on Johnny and Cassie didn’t leave Gadreel’s lap.

Gadreel relaxed. They had been worried that Cassie, as a fragment of Castiel’s grace, will be drawn to reunite with him, but there was no sign of it.

Castiel withdrew. There was enough tension in his posture to put Gadreel back on alert.

“Gail,“ he said. “He is Gail. I don’t understand.“

“Why?“ Dean asked.

“Gail is alive. I don’t think she was ever dead.“

“I’m not surprised,“ Gadreel said.

Castiel just narrowed his eyes at him, a clear indication to continue.

“They can’t be fragments from the moment of death. They would be in too much distress to gain a child’s acceptance. They must be made of a part of grace that has nothing to do with their experiences. I don’t think any of them agreed to this. I think they were made vulnerable and unaware on purpose, for somebody to use.“

Castiel contemplated it for a moment.

“You think they are fused with the soul on purpose.“

“Yes. Whoever is doing this, they are getting what they want, because they continue doing it. There are children of various ages.“

“So we find the sons of-“ Dean glanced at the kids and left out the rest of the statement, even though his determination didn’t waver for an instant. “We squeeze them and find out how to save the kids.“

“Yes, that is the plan,“ Castiel confirmed. “But we aren’t any closer to finding them now than we were.“

“I think they are returning to check on the children they used,“ Gadreel supplied. “You said there were three of the same age in Tacoma, but the youngest and the oldest in Lewiston. I think somebody went back to check on the one in Lewiston and created another while they were at it. So if we keep watch over enough of the children-“

“It cannot stay just between us. We don’t have the manpower to be everywhere and if more are being created, we need to stop it soon.“

Castiel was right. And in a better world, Gadreel would gladly risk his incognito for the cause. In this world, just the thought turned his grace cold enough for his two little siblings to draw away uncertainly.

“Excuse me?“ Lena piped up, pale hands clutching the edge of the bench. “If you find whoever is doing this, and stop it. What does it mean for our children?“

Castiel looked at her, solemn.

“They will be out of immediate danger. We will have time to find out how to free their souls from their angels. And how to take care of our siblings if they remain this weak.“

“But why do you go on about dividing them?” William suddenly spoke up, slow like a bull under the sun. “You said our kids are in danger because their angels are going to be too strong for them. Now you say maybe they’ll never be too strong for them. You say you can’t tell them apart. You say they’ve been this way for a while. You say they’re more children than angels anyway. I say they’re ours.“

Both women sat up straighter at that, but Denise outright shone as she pulled her husband’s arm tighter around her waist.

“Sure they are. Aisha isn’t any different when she calls herself Cassie. I couldn’t care less what she calls herself or what she is, she is my daughter. If she’s not dying of this, nobody takes any part of her away from us. If you want to help, make yourselves useful and make sure nobody comes after them. And then help them with whatever angelic stuff they will need to know.“

Lena nodded, quieter but equally sure.

“We will be grateful for any help, but I agree. If you don’t have to divide them to save them, we don’t want you to divide them. This is who they are. You can’t split them without them knowing they lost something, and I don’t want to lose any part of my son.“

Gadreel buried his face in the children’s hair. This time, they understood – their graces glowed brighter than ever before. Maybe they weren’t so lost with humans raising them after all.

“Go to your parents,“ he murmured to them, and they did: wriggled down from his lap and flew each where they were most wanted.

“We don’t know what to expect if they grow up together,“ Castiel warned.

William looked up from his daughter only long enough to say, “We’ll take the chance.“

The warmth that spread through Gadreel’s chest and mind felt a lot like his vessel’s vindication.

 

Sam didn’t quite know what to feel, much less what to say. And neither, apparently, did the angels. Or Dean for that matter.

Actually, Dean looked a lot as if he expected Sam to have something to say – as if he held back until Sam makes up his mind.

It never failed to leave Sam wrongfooted, even though it happened more and more often during the past year and he knew what it stemmed from.

He shrugged eventually, earning an unimpressed stare from his brother. It nearly made him grin.

The truth was, this was up to Cas and Gadreel, and probably Liam and the others, to guess at the effect the angels could have on the children. The possession still sat badly with him, but Lena was probably right – the kids couldn’t meaningfully consent to having their angels leave them any more than they could consent to the possession in the first place, and it wasn’t the tiny angels’ fault. He dreaded to imagine what the Host would do with angels who acted like human children.

He still couldn’t decide if it was heartwarming that these people accepted their children as they were, non-human influence included, or worrying because of the blatant disregard of their actual children saddled with a burden their parents failed to understand.

He couldn’t bring himself to object. Not when Cas didn’t as he stood up to watch the families. Not when both kids rewarded the decision with a snuggle: that was either the human children, happy to be accepted, passengers or no, or the angels, human- and childlike enough to be affectionate.

Not when Gadreel, once again, looked so openly grateful it hurt.

It mattered. For some reason Gadreel’s happiness mattered to Sam and he was done figting it, or questioning it, or examining it any more than he had to.

“I think you’re right. We need to make sure the kids are safe first. Anything else can come later. I- We need to find out a lot more about this, but letting the angels stay might end up being the best choice for everybody. We don’t have anything better right now anyway. And we should go. We need to make a plan, and we’ll keep you posted.“

“Watch these kids,“ Dean warned. “Don’t leave them alone with anybody you don’t trust. Give us a ring if you see anybody strange around. Kids, this one’s on you, too.“ He paused for an instant, then crouched down, waited until both children looked at him. “You like Gadreel here because he’s an angel like you, right? But just like people can be bad, angels can be bad, too. We’ve met a few. You got lucky with Gadreel, but you can’t hug every angel out there, okay? If you see another angel, you need to tell your parents right away.“

The kids didn’t look convinced.

“What if they’re at the daycare?“ Lena asked.

“Then you need to stick to your teachers real close. And to each other. All four of you, okay?“

Johnny looked at his mom for confirmation. Aisha looked at Gadreel.

Both nodded very seriously, though only Lena spoke.

“We talked about this, sweetie. Sometimes people pretend they’re nice, but they aren’t.“

“But angels can’t be bad. They’re angels.“

The three parents looked up for guidance. Awkward silence fell.

“Angels are very serious adults,“ Dean said at last. “Adults sometimes do things that are hard to understand, right?“

That earned him a cautious nod from both children. Dean shifted his weight and settled back into his crouch.

“Angels are the same. They are trying very hard to be good, but they are very old, very complicated adults, so sometimes they just… get confused. And do something bad.”

“So we just tell them,“ Johnny shrugged.

“They are very stubborn when they get confused,“ Dean explained. “Better not risk it. If they are good, you’ll get to meet them later.“

“You need to keep away from anyone else strange,“ Sam added. “We don’t know for sure angels are behind this. So if you see anyone who feels-“ He frowned, knowing “non-human” wouldn’t tell the kids a thing. They were still at the age where a flying elephant wouldn’t surprise them any more than a rainbow cake.

“Humans are warm, like dogs are,“ Gadreel picked up almost seamlessly. “Most other things aren’t so nice. They feel cold, or they look hungry, or angry.“

“Or very ugly,“ Cas added.

“Faeries shine and glitter, but you shouldn’t follow one, either.“

“Faeries? Other things?“ Lena asked, startled.

Sam exchanged glances with Dean.

“There are a few,“ Dean allowed.

“Like…”

Dean looked at the children pointedly, then back at Lena. Lena reluctantly dropped the question.

“Just be careful,“ he told the kids. “Don’t leave a group, don’t go to anyone you don’t know. Got it?“

Both children eventually nodded, very seriously.

“And we need to make plans.“


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! I know, it's been almost three months. This chapter really, really didn't want to work for me. Until it did, many rewrites and one re-found motivation later. Sorry for the long wait!

Liam clinked a chilled beer bottle in front of a customer, earning a small smile and a nod of thanks.

“Any trouble?“ he asked under his breath.

“No.” Sam drew the bottle to himself, absentmindedly worrying at the label. “Mind if I wait here for the end of your shift?“

Liam tensed.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to check on Gadreel now.“

Sam blinked up at him, somewhat startled.

“No. Nothing like that. I just- wanted to talk about something.“

The last was said already into the table as Sam untwisted the cap on the beer. Liam considered the flash of a worried crease on his forehead he got to see. It made him uneasy.

“I’ll be out by four.“

“Good. Thank you.“

 

Sam wasn’t quite sure who walked out of the dingy bar with him, not least of all because he was too busy squinting against the bright light outside to watch for the other to do or not do the same. The body language of his companion seemed to be somewhere in between Gadreel and Liam as they started on the way home.

“I need to go walk Growl,“ whoever-it-was explained, then smiled faintly. “The disadvantage of living how we do. Four people having to cohabit and still nobody to dog sit while I’m at work.“

Sam grinned and ducked his head, not knowing whether it was the appropriate reaction.

“Sorry,“ Liam said. “I know it wasn’t much of a joke.“

“No, that’s fine, I just- Sorry. I didn’t expect you to joke about it.“

“Neither did I, to be honest. I’m still getting used to having he chance.“

They walked in silence for a moment.

“Everybody watching again?“

“Not really. Jay and David are who knows where since morning. Gadreel-“ Liam put his hands into his pockets with a grimace, half hidden as he turned slightly away. “Gadreel decided to let us talk in private.“

Sam nodded. One of these days, he will tell Gadreel he doesn’t have to do that unless asked, but today, this was easier.

“How are you doing with everything? The kids, Heaven…”

“I’m good. We’re good. You?“

“I’m fine.“

He was so used to the platitude that it came without conscious thought. Sam grimaced to himself, watching the opposite side of the street.

“Actually-“ He drew in a breath. “I think you’ll send me to hell with this question and you have every right to do so, but-“

The silence on Liam’s end made him feel even more like an asshole.

“How do you handle being a vessel? It seems- The way you act, it really comes across as just natural. And the kids – everybody is so fine with them being possessed before they even knew what an angel is, but I can’t. And I’m- I don’t even know. I’m sorry. This was way too personal.“

Liam shook his head. In silent forgiveness, most likely, because he didn’t speak until they were on the corner of his block.

“It’s not so natural. Though I think I’m glad I make the impression. One of these days, you’ll have to tell me how you managed after you got Gadreel out, because for me, that was… tough. One of the toughest times in my life, actually. I guess you had the advantage of knowing he was a real angel.“

“Yeah. That, and there was too much going on to feel-“ Sam clamped his mouth shut, wondering how much he wants to say.

“You don’t have to talk about it,“ Liam told him, observant and much too gentle about it. “It wasn’t meant as a payment before I tell you what you want to know.“

They arrived to the right building; Liam laid a hand on the doorknob.

“You have as much right to ask as I do,“ Sam remarked.

Liam smiled.

“Meaning none. Let’s not interrogate each other. Do you want to come up? I’ll be right back with Growl.“

“I’ll wait.“

Liam’s hands were sure as they opened the rickety lock and pushed the door open into a cool, darkened corridor. Nice hands. Sam shook his head and leaned against the wall, wondering what he’s doing, other than the usual: playing with fire.

He didn’t even want to talk about what he started. The more he thought about the whole thing, the more wrong in the head he felt.

But this was a case, one with too many victims and possibly far-reaching consequences. The parents didn’t know what possession meant to their children, but neither did he. It was never natural to him, or chosen as anything else than a horrible lesser evil.

He needed to make up his mind.

Maybe for his own sake more than for anybody else’s.

It didn’t take long for Liam to come back, the miniature dog in hand. True to expectations, Growl came right at Sam when Liam set him down. Less true to expectations, he started to jump around him, barking high enough to break glass and wagging his stump like trying to lift off. Sam blinked, then grinned and crouched down to pet the excited critter, careful not to knock him over.

“Guess you got used to me,“ he remarked, smiling wide enough it ached and trying to scratch behind ears that seemed to randomly teleport from under his hand. “That was fast.“

“He’s a rescue dog,“ Liam shrugged comfortably, as if it explained everything.

“But a watchdog by nature.“

“At least until you get on his good side,“ Liam agreed. “After that he’s still a watchdog, but only because he greets you so loud that you can’t sneak in anyway.“

“Excellent watch dog,“ Sam concluded and remained down until Growl had enough cuddling and wandered ahead.

By that time, he nearly forgot what they talked about before. Then he remembered and wished he forgot.

“Still want to hear my piece?“ Liam offered.

Sam hesitated.

“Yes.“

Liam collected his thoughts for a moment, even though he must have done that the whole time he was fetching Growl.

“I’m used to sharing. I think that’s the simplest explanation, and the least useful to you.“

Sam acknowledged it with a nod.

“But it means more than just being used to another awareness next to mine. If it was only that, I’d never give Gadreel another chance after what he did to us. There’s nothing that can prepare you for losing consciousness for half a year, and then being left to deal with the fallout.“

As if on cue, Growl ran back to them. Circled Liam, forcing him to pass the leash behind his back, and ran ahead again. Liam grinned a small private smile.

“What you do get used to,“ he continued once he untangled himself, “is screwing up and not being allowed to give up. You, the others, you know you’re all messed up and will screw everyone several times over before you get your life in order. And you know you can’t cut the others out, it just doesn’t work that way. Not even Gadreel knows if we could have gotten him out when he got stuck after the- After his suicide. It was easier to assume we can’t.“

“Would you, if you thought you could?“

“No. By the time we found the Bunker, we have realized he did just as much good for us as he did wrong, which put him firmly into the ‘tries to be good but screws up’ category. Even if he screwed up so horribly towards other people.”

“He killed other people.“ It was maybe unnecessary to point out, but still important.

“I know. And it’s something I thought I would never forgive anyone. But he was at war, or he thought he was, and he is- He didn’t grow up like we did. Just read the Old Testament. I think we’re lucky he values human life at all.“

“He always did,“ Sam confirmed, bitter. He didn’t try to decipher the look Liam gave him at that, but the silence afterwards let him know it had been questioning.

He hesitated, then decided to bite the bullet.

“I think this is the worst part. I know – and I can’t explain that to anybody, not even Cas – that he’s good. He killed my friend with my own hands and I can’t shake the feeling that he’s _good_. Protective. Trustworthy. And it makes me feel like losing my mind. Again.”

Liam, when he glanced at him, maybe didn’t look as if he got it fully, but the calm understanding he exuded somehow calmed Sam, too.

“Do you miss him?“

Sam laughed, a short, broken sound.

“Like air to breathe. I felt more alive while he was in there than I’ve felt since the Cage at least. Restless, maybe not happy, but-“ He blinked, then grimaced. “Desperately in love with the world, I’d say. It was terrible to find out that it wasn’t me.“

Liam’s mouth twitched before he found something to watch on the other side of the street.

“Gadreel managed to destroy a part of us modeled after our abuser. It woke up David, who had been dormant for years. Both are things I’d failed to do. Sometimes, people within a system have roles. I’m the protector. Gadreel is making me obsolete. He’s making things easy. Half the time I’m in awe and half the time it rankles that I never got this far under my own power. You don’t realize how broken you are until something makes you healthy for a while.“

Sam conceded the point with another silence. Though what it said about him he didn’t want to think about at all.

“Do you think the kids stand a chance if their angels leave?“

“No,“ Liam replied immediately. “There isn’t worse abandonment than when a part of your own mind just wanders off, and they’re at the worst age for abandonment. They wouldn’t be able to make any other sense of it.“

Sam nodded, eventually, even though he wished he didn’t have to.

“I’m not even sure they can survive without their angels, honestly,“ Liam added.

Sam frowned.

“Why?“

“Because we didn’t so much as catch a cold anytime Gadreel was with us and active. If these kids had their angels with them since they were babies, what do you think it did to their own immunity?“

Sam swore, quietly but emphatetically. Liam grimaced in perfect agreement, then shrugged.

“I’m not a doctor. For all I know, they would be just a little sicker for a while and then they would catch up.“

“Except that their immunizations probably failed. And try to find a doctor who would re-immunize them even though they’re on schedule. If they are.“

“There’s that,“ Liam agreed.

Sam locked his jaw. It really seemed there was no way out for these kids. At least for the time being.

“Cas might be able to help, if we ever find a way to untangle them. Later, maybe. Angels can heal. Maybe they can deal with this, too.“

Liam glanced at him.

“Do they really need saving so badly? If we manage to protect them from whoever is out there preying on them, they don’t seem so bad off to me.“

Sam didn’t like the rueful tone Liam used. He couldn’t even tell where it came from.

“For now. Until their angels get stronger.“

“Why is that a problem?“

“Because then they’ll just take over.“

“Why would they?“

Sam paused. It never occured to him that Liam didn’t know. Didn’t have a reason to know.

“Because that’s what angels do. Most of them think being a vessel is some kind of honor they bestow on us mortals. They get consent, no matter how, and the moment you say yes, it’s game over.“

For a moment, he thought Liam will flat out refuse to believe him.

“Do you mean Gadreel is actually one of the good exceptions in this?“

Sam bit on empty air. “To you, yes.“

“Sorry.“

Sam shook his head.

“It’s nothing you should be sorry for. And I know he is.“

Liam considered it for a while, but in the end he just sighed and let it pass.

“I think this is what bugs me the most about the whole thing,“ Sam continued the original thought, for both their sakes. “Sure the angels act like little kids right now, with no idea who they are. But if they grow up and get their memories back, nobody knows what happens to the real kids and their parents. And everybody is just blindly going for it.“

“Are angels as a whole able to learn? Or is that another Gadreel’s specific?“

Sam frowned and shrugged cautiously.

“Some of them can. Not sure about most.“

“We don’t even know how much they’re going to remember, or if they are going to be strong enough to take over anything. Looks to me the lucky ones will grow up in loving human families, knowing how we see things. Hard to imagine they’d just take over. I’m worried for the unlucky ones, though.“ He halted, then continued. “I know it’s not the same situation, but sometimes you take over to protect the host.“

Sam floundered.

“You are the host.“

“In your world, yes.“

The worst part was, Liam wasn’t complaining. He didn’t even think he owned his own body – co-owned? – and he wasn’t complaining.

“Sorry, I went too far,“ Liam said.

“Went far how?“

“I don’t normally talk about any of this, except in therapy. I’m still getting used to the idea that I can. I overshared.“

“No, that’s-“ He swallowed the usual platitude. “But I mean, you are human. You belong into your own body. I’m not a therapist, but I hunt monsters for a living. Some of them steal bodies. You are nothing like them, believe me.“

Liam’s smile was strange, but also strangely warm.

“Thank you. In a way I know, don’t worry. But every system is different, and every – part, entity, alter, whatever you want to call us. I was the main one for years, still am I guess, but it was always important to- keep this identity, you could say.“

It would be polite, probably, to take it at a face value and not pry further. But despite his apology, Liam didn’t seem unwilling to talk, and the curiosity was too much.

“Why?“

“Because there were times when the only thing that kept me from doing something stupid, and kept me fighting others who wanted to do something even more stupid, was knowing that ending it all is not my call to make. Nobody’s call to make but David’s. And one thing I knew about David despite everything he went through was that he wanted to live.“ He smiled a little. With one hand in a pocket and a dog’s leash dangling from the other, he looked comfortable with the world. “Maybe it’s just that people are built to find the strangest reasons to live. Whatever works, works.“

Sam blinked, then smiled, too.

“Yeah.“

“And I overshared again.“

Sam laughed.

“I asked. Don’t worry about it. At least you can open up before you’re breaking down. Hold onto that.“

Liam gave him a side-eye.

“Share something.“

“What?“

“Share something.“

Sam walked on, speechless, and Liam gestured with the hand still in his pocket.

“It’s a learned skill. Actually, we learn not to share, but we can unlearn it. You can try if you want to.“

Sam still couldn’t find his words. Liam’s expression softened.

“You don’t have to.“

Sam shook his head.

“I’m sure there’s nothing I could tell you that you don’t already know about me.“

Liam’s surprise seemed genuine.

“What makes you say that?“

“I know that Gadreel read everything, Liam. He knew me inside out.“

“Even if that’s true, he didn’t share.“

Sam stopped. Liam walked another halting step, then turned to face him, puzzled. Then his expression cleared, softened in understanding, then went serious and open.

“He didn’t tell us anything, except insisting that you’re a good man. That you and Dean both are, and that your anger towards him is justified. And that you saved the whole world several times over. He made it very clear he wasn’t exaggerating, but he wouldn’t tell us how you did that. I know about you what you’ve told me, and that’s it.“

Sam blinked, trying to adjust his whole worldview.

“Did he tell you we tortured him once?“ he asked in disbelief.

“No. And that’s something you should maybe talk about with him, but I doubt he holds it against you. To borrow Castiel’s words, you were at war. Lots of things happened. He joined you after, didn’t he?“

“Yes. Yes, he did. And I worked with him, too. We were backed too far into a corner to not take the chance. Doesn’t mean I forgave him. Or expected him to be fine with us.“

Liam shook his head. “Should I ask him to switch?“

“No. Not now.“ He took a breath. The sun was shining, and Growl was hopping ahead, unhindered by his missing leg. “I’ll talk to him. Later. Right now, I think I just want to walk a dog.“

Liam’s smile was wider than ever before.

“That I can provide.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The problem with rewriting many things many times is that you remember writing stuff and you have no idea what made it into the final cut. One of the things that didn't work for me here was that Liam seemed to be repeating something he'd said previously, perhaps several times. I didn't want to bore you.  
> Guess what, turned out I never actually posted the bits he "repeated". I just wrote them several times before but always ended up with another version.  
> *sigh*
> 
> *fingers crossed for the next chapter to come far quicker*


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mild spoiler for a movie that will be named in the chapter before the spoiler. :)

Sam wasn’t really sure how he ended up back at Liam’s place, but he did - sitting at his rickety table in a surprisingly sturdy kitchen chair and chewing on a spare tomato while Liam busied himself by the stove. What he was making Sam wasn’t sure, but it involved onion, paprika and tomatoes and smelled heavenly.

Finally Liam set the spatula aside and turned to face him, leaning against the counter. He didn’t do much, just crossed his legs at the ankle and tilted his head a little, but Sam could feel the hairs at the nape of his neck stand on end.

This wasn’t Liam, and it definitely wasn’t Gadreel. It was something new, watching him with a strange little smile and a hint of challenge.

Until it grinned, amused and sharp.

“You noticed. And you’re freaked out.“

Sam set the last bit of tomato aside.

“You’re Jay, aren’t you?“

“Depends. What else would I be?“

“Why did you switch?“

It smiled. She smiled?

“Because I wanted to.“

That definitely didn’t sound good. Didn’t even sound like Jay – nothing Liam told him so far led him to expect a deliberate troublemaker capable of taking over whenever she wanted.

“Jay. I get that this is normal for you, but in my world, when somebody acts off, it often means they aren’t human.“

She didn’t seem very impressed with his explanation.

“So what do you do? Hunt down all the crazy people?“

He blinked up at her, trying to guess her angle.

“Hoo boy,“ she said quietly. “People thought we were possessed or outright monsters throughout history. How sure are you that all you’ve killed were actual monsters?“

“You know from Gadreel that monsters exist.“

“I’m not doubting that. I’m doubting your ability to tell the two apart.“

She sauntered over to him, sway in her hips, and leaned over him, palms on the table between them.

“You even know our diagnosis, and still all your instincts are screaming at you I’m something killable, aren’t they?“

He let out a breath.

“Not anymore,“ he replied truthfully. What rewarded him was a tiny flicker of uncertainty in her face.

“We don’t kill on suspicion,“ he continued. “There are tells, tests we can use, or we catch something red-handed. Or it’s already attacking us. I’m not saying I’m innocent. I’m not- I’m not the hero Gadreel apparently wanted to you to believe I am. But the job is to save people from monsters, not kill everybody who might be a monster.“

She studied him. It took an effort to keep his face honest and open, even though he was telling the truth.

“Okay,“ she decided and walked back to the counter.

He watched for the change, but he still wasn’t sure whether it was Liam or her who began stirring the bubbling mixture on the stove. In the end their shoulders tensed, though, which made him more than expect Liam’s dejected, “Sorry for that.“

“That’s fine. She had a point.“

Liam looked over his shoulder, grimacing.

“She usually does. She just isn’t very pleasant about it.“

Sam shrugged.

“Don’t worry about it.“

Again he was studied for honesty. This time it didn’t take long for Liam to relax.

“Alright.“

It felt good to pass. Sam didn’t blame Liam or Jay for being cautious, but it made it all the more rewarding to earn a bit of their trust.

“Does she do that sometimes? Just take over?“

“She didn’t. She asked to talk to you.“

“Ah.“

Liam moved to the sink, busying himself with washing the cutting board.

“She doesn’t do that often, either. We usually keep fairly separate social circles.“

“How does that work?“

Liam shrugged.

“She doesn’t come out when I’m at work, but she has a time set aside just for herself every week or so, when I have the next day free. She used to go party every time, but she settled down a bit lately. At least I rarely wake up with a hangover anymore.“

Sam shook his head.

“What do you do when somebody recognizes you, thinking it’s her?“

“Nod to anybody who nods to me. It doesn’t happen often that somebody wants to chat, and if it does, I either let her handle it if she’s available, or improvise.“

“You must be good at improvising.“

“It used to be worse when it wasn’t just Jay switching. There used to be more of us, a lot less trustworthy and a lot harder to keep from taking over. I’m glad it’s down to just us four, now.“

Sam shook his head.

“I can’t even imagine.“

“Few people can. But it’s not all bad.“

For a while, it seemed that was all Liam wanted to say, or perhaps didn’t know how to continue. Then he stilled for a moment, then bent to pat Growl who finished his own dinner and came sniffing around the counter.

“With most mental illnesses, you don’t get rewards when you learn to manage them. You get to live a little more like normal people do, and that’s it. The most you get is compassion for others who struggle like you do. But with multiplicity, you can end up with an in-built support system. Once you learn to cooperate, once you get to the stage when you can trust at least one other person within the system, it’s a relief to not have to handle everything on your own.“ He straightened and gave a hint of a smile. “It’s like getting another chance at a family when the first one was too screwed up for words.“

Sam finished his tomato and reached for the glass Liam got him before. Plain tap water, but it was something to occupy his hands with.

“You build the best with what you have?“ he suggested.

“Something like that.“

Sam couldn’t help the thought that sometimes, screwed up families are worth keeping, too.

Though it was probably about the level – and manner – of screwed.

It was strange anyway, how someone whose life was so difficult could make just _being_ with him so easy. Sam watched the surface of the water in his glass for a moment, then knocked a mouthful back as if it was whisky.

“How about David? How is he doing?“

He could hear Liam’s smile in his voice when he turned away again.

“Better, thank you.“

“That’s good.“ He considered for a moment. “I have a laptop in the car. Maybe we could watch a movie, we two and whoever wants to show up?“

The practical aspect didn’t occur to him until Liam looked around the room helplessly.

“I’m afraid the only places we can do that are on the floor or on my bed.“

Sam didn’t fight the grin that wanted to form on his face.

“It doesn’t happen often that something reminds me of my Stanford days in a good way,“ he remarked.

“You attended university?“

And just like that, the good memory was lost.

“Never graduated.“

“Money?“

Sam shook his head, and left it at that. Liam thankfully didn’t press further.

“So, bed or floor?“ he asked instead.

Sam hesitated.

“Bed, if you’re fine with that. I’ll grab the laptop.“

Liam nodded, not meeting his eyes.

“Borrow the keys. Careful about the lock downstairs, it won’t turn if you jam the key all the way in.“

“Okay.“

By the time Sam returned, Liam was in the bedroom, the black and white blanket thrown over the bed and the pillow and covers pushed against the wall to make for a makeshift couch. Sam waited for a gesture of invitation and settled himself. Growl pitter-pattered in and made a great show of choosing the best way to jump onto the bed, until Liam scooped him up and set him on his lap.

“So, what do you want to see?“

“Anything new that isn’t part of a trilogy.“

Sam laughed.

“Haven’t seen a trilogy in a while. Nowadays it’s ten movies in a row.“

Liam’s small smile was almost secret.

“Then not that, either.“

“Let me see what I have.“

That was always a surprise; about two thirds of movies and shows on the laptop weren’t Sam’s, including the collection of Disney movies Dean craftily buried in a folder proudly named “hot chicks XXX”.

“Genre?“

Liam looked away.

“Anything. Just not something too depressing.“ Sam couldn’t be sure with the blinds drawn, but he thought Liam blushed. “Honestly, when I can choose, I end up with fairytales more often than not. It’s- Most people think about fantasy as the ultimate escape, but most of the times it feels like the normal world with an excuse for historic inaccuracies.“

Sam smiled. “So, no Game of Thrones for you?“

His smile slipped when he saw Liam’s uneasy shrug.

“I know everybody and their grandmother is watching it, but-“

“That’s fine. I think I have something I’ve wanted to rewatch for a while. Definitely a feel good movie, more of a fairytale than a fantasy. If you don’t mind it’s animated with English subtitles. And it’s not new.“

“That sounds good.“

As Sam pulled up Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, putting the laptop between them, he realized it was the first time he shared a Ghibli movie with anybody since Jess.

It wasn’t such a great idea anymore. Or maybe it was, he didn’t even know.

Barely past the intro, he saw Liam shift, then tense, out of the corner of his eye. He already knew who would return his gaze when he looked at him, his own shoulders growing rigid despite the sweet melody of the opening titles.

“I’d like to watch the movie alongside Liam,“ Gadreel announced softly. “If you truly don’t mind.“

Sam let out a long breath, both relieved it wasn’t anything more serious Gadreel wanted, and disturbed he needed to ask in the first place.

“I said whoever feels like joining. That includes you.“

At least Gadreel relaxed immediately.

“Thank you.“

By the time the titles were over, his posture faded back into Liam’s. Or perhaps they blended, he wasn’t sure.

He still wasn’t sure about a third into the movie, when his companion laid a hand between them. An unassuming gesture, if it wasn’t for the fact that Gadreel tended to abort any attempt to touch him, and Liam always made very sure to give him enough space. Actually, Liam never put himself at risk of accidentally brushing against anybody, ever, even when he occasionally navigated the tables at the bar.

He wondered if there was anybody else watching. Or making that hopeful gesture.

One of the people in that body was a teenager, for crying out loud. And they were all lucky there wasn’t anybody even younger in the system. They should talk before doing anything, even something as simple as this.

He took the hand instead.

 

Jay whooped, then started to laugh hysterically. Liam was too stunned to react. He’d made the gesture mostly to shut her up; she began nagging at him as soon as she realized the thought crossed his mind.

Though perhaps it wasn’t just a passing thought.

David, somewhere not too deep down, was blushing furiously and bravely trying to pretend to still watch the movie. At least he didn’t seem shaken.

It was Gadreel – Gadreel who had insisted he must withdraw from the situation if Liam wants to stand a chance – who gently reminded him to react.

He couldn’t bring himself to do anything more than to squeeze the tips of Sam’s fingers that ended up between his thumb and forefinger.

Sam’s palm laid sure and warm against the back of his hand, until he outright had to ask Gadreel to help him control his breathing.

This was different from all the hugs the others could provide. Different from the cuddles Growl demanded.

A human touch, overwhelming in its simplicity.

 

Nothing more happened for a good long while. Sam wasn’t sure whether he’s relieved or disappointed; it’s been over a decade since he even considered going out with a man, so it was probably for the best they took it slow.

For all he knew, perhaps this was as much as Liam wanted.

For all he knew, perhaps it would be enough. When he arrived at the bar earlier, all he had in mind was some vague idea of talking with someone who somehow both understood and had a different perspective. He was looking for a connection – just not like this one.

It wasn’t, necessarily, the better option. Thrilling, amazing, yes. Wise?

Not by a long shot. But then, none of the relationships he’s had that truly made him feel alive had been wise. Not even the one with Jess, and he had wanted to spend a lifetime on that rollercoaster.

He barely managed to keep any attention on the movie, thoughts wandering and circling around the hand under his and what it meant, but mostly just enjoying the low-simmering excitement of all the possibilities.

Until the hand stretched flat and so tense its tendons stood up.

“Liam?“

The man didn’t hear him, staring transfixed at the screen.

“I failed your expectations, didn’t I? All monsters should die at the end of the story.“

On screen, the Giant Warrior was melting, still hopelessly trying to follow orders. Shit.

“Gadreel.“

Gadreel’s eyes snapped to him. Then he snatched his hand back.

“I’m sorry.“

“You’re nothing like him, you get that, right?“

“But I am. Created a weapon. Laid dormant for thousands of years, should have been left dormant. Both times.“

“No.“

“You’re kind, but you can’t deny it would be easier for you if I wasn’t here.“

He couldn’t. But he didn’t have to.

“Since when did any of us take the easy way?“

Gadreel’s cautious, fragile wonder was a thing to cherish.

Sam reached for him, slow enough to give him a chance to protest, and took his hand back. Gadreel’s utter shock was much less pleasant to watch, but at least he knew his point got across.

“I don’t know yet what I want, here, but you’re part of it. Stop avoiding me.“

Gadreel seemed vaguely hurt.

“I’m not. Have I ever refused to come when you asked for me?“

Sam squeezed his hand.

“Stop assuming you need to be gone whenever I don’t ask you to come out. You’re trying to give me privacy and I appreciate it, but I don’t need that much of it. I think I can trust you now that you will leave me alone when I ask you to. That’s enough.“

Gadreel did nothing to confirm he understood, but then, he also left his hand in Sam’s, and not like an unwilling hostage, either.

Sam smiled at him faintly.

“What are the others doing?“

Gadreel turned his attention momentarily inward.

“Watching, mostly.“ He glanced at the screen, somewhat bashful. “Still trying to watch the movie, in David’s case. Could we see this part again, please?“

“Are you up to it?“

“Of course.“

Too fast. Sam had his experience with too fast ‘I’m fine’s.

“You were pretty shaken.“

“I can handle it.“

Sam hesitated, then paused the movie. The tension lines around Gadreel’s mouth deepened, and Sam set his voice softer than he’d originally intended.

“Look, I get why you saw yourself in him. But he never stood a chance. I don’t know if he had free will – or even awareness. But if he did, he was too new to realize it. You’re different. You always chose for yourself.“

“I often chose wrong.“

“Not the point. As long as you keep choosing, you have a chance to turn around. I think you already did.“

What appeared in Gadreel’s face looked for the most part like bitter, self-defacing amusement.

“I mostly follow Liam and Jay’s lead.“

“And you learn from them. Are they doing anything you think is wrong?“

“No.“

Sam hesitated, but he needed to follow through.

“Did Metatron?“

Gadreel’s expression fractured. He nodded.

“And that’s the difference between following someone because you trust them, and obedience. None of us want you obedient, Gadreel. When you don’t like something, speak up. Let us explain. We deserve that chance. And you deserve an explanation.“

“You also deserve to feel like you’re in control. After everything.“

Sam forced himself to breathe, even though that hit much too close to home.

“No. I never wanted to control you. All I ever wanted was to control my own life. There’s a world of difference. I- Yes, there was a time I wanted to beat you to a pulp, mostly for Kevin. For myself, too. I would have killed you if we didn’t need you. But you don’t owe me- this. I don’t want you to go along with whatever I want just because I want it and you feel bad. I want-“

He glanced at their joined hands, then back, and suddenly his throat ran dry. He wasn’t sure what, if anything, Gadreel processed for himself of that speech, because all he faced now was the bottomless understanding only angels were capable of, and even they only rarely.

Saying what he wants, instead of staking out a vague negative space by all the things he didn’t want, got all the more difficult for it.

“I want us on even footing,“ he finally said. “I can’t trust you if you don’t ask for anything, because that means you still treat me like an enemy.“ He shook their hands for emphasis. “I can’t do this if I’m left second-guessing myself all the time, wondering if I’m making someone in there uncomfortable. So tell me to stop when you need me to stop. Can you do that?“

Gadreel looked away. Sam hoped dearly it was just to gather his thoughts, because he wasn’t sure what to do if he couldn’t promise this.

“You’re too kind,“ Gadreel said, a sentiment he repeated too often. It was only when he met Sam’s eyes again that Sam realized it was an observation rather than a compliment. “There’s no retribution, no revenge. No punishment, as much as I deserve one this time. There’s no opportunity to repay you, either, though that might be for the best, considering it was my last attempt to save you that scarred you the worst. I have a debt to you you cannot forgive – your words, not mine. Yet you want me to stand on even footing with you, unconditionally. I don’t see how that is possible.“

Sam didn’t even know where to begin.

“You saved Cas,“ he pointed out eventually.

“That wasn’t entirely selfless. Though I thought it was, at the time.“

Sam held back a grimace. He knew whose opinion Gadreel accepted there. He wished the angel had been allowed to cling onto his single act of heroism instead.

“And what you did to me wasn’t entirely selfish,“ he said instead of commenting on it. “Gadreel, things don’t have to be clear-cut to matter. You’re looking for something pure, something clear, and I get it, but it doesn’t work that way. Things are complicated. Your reasons were complicated and very few of them had anything to do with me, or Cas. That’s fine. You still saved him.“

Gadreel was watching him, brows knitted. Not entirely comprehending yet.

Sam shook his head.

“Do you really think that what you did to me was that much worse than what you did to Liam and Jay? You kept them under for months, against their wishes, then left them to fend for themselves without an explanation. Why do you think they accepted you back so easily?“

Gadreel looked stricken. Sam quickly continued, leaning forward, holding onto the hand in his grip a little firmer.

“It’s because none of this is just about you. It’s never just about how wrong or right is something you do. It’s about what others did before you, and how we handled it, and how we can handle what you do. What you did to me was wrong. But you also hit a sore spot, and that wasn’t on you. What you did to Liam and Jay was also wrong, but it was wrong in a way that made you nothing new to them, so when they found you again, they could see what you did for them, too, and accept you. Back in that prison, maybe you panicked and picked the easiest way out, but you also saved Cas. Probably Heaven and a lot of people, considering Metatron’s plans. Back in that hospital, you should have been open with me, but you did want to help. You risked yourself to help, didn’t you?“

Reluctantly, Gadreel nodded. Sam squeezed his hand.

“Nothing is ever entirely right. And nothing is ever entirely wrong. Sometimes it’s just too much of a mess to handle, so all you can do is to go on. I don’t want to get stuck on what you did to me. I don’t want to get stuck on what you did to- to Kevin. That’s selfish, too. And it’s not forgiveness, so it probably isn’t what you need, but it’s the best I can give you. If you want to do something for me, do this. Stop reminding me of these things by trying to repay a debt. Stop reminding me of my own debts, because I can’t pay these, either. Can you at least try this?“

Gadreel hesitated.

“For you?“

“For me.

After one more moment of deliberation, Gadreel turned his hand, palm against palm, unexpectedly warm.

“As you wish.“

Sam wondered, briefly, if he just caused more problems down the line, but it was about as much open conversation as he could handle in one day – and he still could expect one.

“Do you think we could watch the rest of the movie now?“ Gadreel asked. When Sam looked up, he saw a ghost of a smile, startlingly teasing. “I promise I’m fine.“

It was a convenient out.

Sam took it gratefully.

 

They watched the rest of the movie.

Or rather, David watched the rest of the movie. Gadreel aided him, seeming relaxed enough.

Liam, in his part, was trying to control his fluttering stomach and the uncharacteristic urge to make sure Sam’s hand is really his to hold.

Jay snickered at him.

“You want him for yourself, don’t you?“

He sent her a grimace, beyond caring how pitiful it was.

“No idea. I barely got past ‘I want’. Ask me in a week or so.”

Her face softened. On their common couch, she scooted over to lean against his shoulder. It didn’t help as much as it should.

“Do you think I should tell him-?”

She grinned. “In a week or so. Don’t know about you, but I don’t see him rushing into sex, either.“

“There’s a difference between not rushing and not expecting.“

“Yes. And there’s a difference between openness and throwing everything at your crush on the first date. Calm. Down.“

Liam took a few deep breaths.

“Okay.“

She nudged him with her shoulder.

“Hey. You are the hero of the system. You can handle everything.“

“I can handle dangers.“

She snickered. “Oh, he’s dangerous enough. You just need to know how to provoke him.“

The observation startled him, even though it shouldn’t.

“I don’t want to provoke him.“

“Your loss.“

He shook his head. Then glanced at her in wonder.

“I thought you have different tastes.“

She grinned amicably.

“I do. My guys are much less work and get much less personal. But I can appreciate.“

She sounded light-hearted. Which was exactly the tone he could trust – except in the rare cases when he couldn’t. He could usually tell which case is which. Not now.

“Okay,“ he decided eventually.

She laughed at him. “Are you actually jealous?“

“I still don’t know.“

“Meaning yes?“

“Meaning I don’t know. A month ago, I didn’t think I had a chance to go out with anybody. Let me get used to the idea first. Then let me get used to the idea of somebody who could handle all of us, and then ask me how much I want to share.“

She smiled and snuggled into him.

“Okay.“

Out there in the physical world, Growl was a minuscule but comforting warmth on his lap, and the hand in his remained warm and sure.


	9. Chapter 9

The first two days of watching over the baby angels didn’t bring anything special, except for a minor shock for Gadreel when they found out Thaddeus is one of them.

Considering their first encounter, Gadreel handled it admirably well. Although he admitted, later at home, that his first instinct was, and probably always will be, to kill his former torturer, no matter how innocent the child carrying him or how incomplete the angel.

It made Liam think more than he wanted about Gadreel’s past and the nature of Heaven. And, even though that was even less pleasant, about what played out between Gadreel and Sam, back when they were enemies, that Gadreel was so quick to forgive him for it. It could have been as simple as Sam’s attempt at – interrogation? – not even registering next to Gadreel’s experiences, but Liam had a nasty suspicion that Gadreel was so prone to flashbacks that instead, no other torturer after Thaddeus fully registered as anyone else than Thaddeus.

It was a train of thought better left alone.

Everything seemed okay otherwise. Surprisingly above board, too, as Cassie’s dad William took them to the daycare on the first day and explained to the unhappy owner that they’ve had some threats over the internet and although it’s probably nothing, ‘David’ as a family friend agreed to keep an eye on Aisha for them when he can.

Liam shook hands with the owner, gave his best trustworthy smile, reassured the woman that he will keep his distance and won’t try to approach any of the kids unless he has to, and that was it.

In the evening of the second day, Castiel called to convince Gadreel to reveal himself to someone called Hannah – another angel, as Liam gathered. It couldn’t have come at a better time: Gadreel had wanted to take a day off the following morning shift, claiming it’s more important to guard the children than to work.

It was shaping up to be a rather tense argument by the time the phone rang, although it was always better to have an argument than to have Gadreel simply take over whenever he thought his cause is important enough.

The conversation between Gadreel and Castiel was tense in a whole different way, but quick.

With everyone’s consent, Gadreel remained in charge, grabbed the keys and aimed for the street running past the testing shed.

 

Hannah was a guy.

Hannah was also the gentlest looking angel so far, the kids included.

He – she? She, both Castiel and Gadreel talked about her as a sister – stood side by side with Castiel under a street lamp, just becoming to glow in the settling dusk. As they approached, she looked at Castiel, then back at them, outwardly calm but with an edge of wariness that reflected Gadreel’s tightly controlled fear.

“Hello, Gadreel,“ Castiel said, and her soft dark eyes widened.

“Gadreel? I thought all the renewed angels we’ve found had child vessels.“

She even addressed the question to Castiel, as if she didn’t expect Gadreel to count more than a child.

“They do,“ Castiel confirmed when it became apparent his brother isn’t about to correct her. “Part of Gadreel survived the blast in his vessel. He has all his memories.“

Hannah’s expression broke in wonder, and something much more painful than that. She finally turned her full attention where it belonged.

“Gadreel.“ She came nearer, took him in, and stopped out of arm’s reach.

“I’m so sorry.“ It was warm and relieved, as if the fact she was able to say that to him was an unexpected blessing.

It left Gadreel wrongfooted.

“You have nothing to apologize for.“

“You killed yourself on my watch.“

Gadreel seemed to have lost his words for a moment. Then he gave her a rueful smile.

“Your duty was to keep me imprisoned, not to keep me alive.“

“My duty was to Heaven. To all angels. Including you.“

Gadreel shook his head.

“Thank you. Would you then consider keeping my existence secret?“

And that was the lynchpin, the reason Gadreel hasn’t relaxed a fraction despite the warm welcome. She seemed taken aback by the request and in no hurry to respond.

Finally she looked over her shoulder at Castiel.

“How long have you known?“ It wasn’t exactly an accusation, but it definitely was a demand.

Castiel’s posture tightened, apprehensive and stubborn.

“For several months.“

“Several months? You know the policy, Castiel!“

“Gadreel cannot be an asset to Heaven until his name is cleared. He’s suffered enough.“ It earned him a pause, at least. He used it in full. “We still don’t know if he can even leave his vessel. He survived through shielding them, but it has consequences. I’ve seen the way he’s fused with the soul. I don’t think parting them would be wise. I know it would be against his vessel’s will.“

Hannah’s expression turned complicated, but soft.

“Is it true?“ she asked – not quite Gadreel, because Gadreel faded into the background, offering control to the rest of them.

“I’d fight for him,“ Liam confirmed.

He could see it meant something to her. Something precious, even, but she still returned to Castiel.

“You should have brought it to my consideration.“

“And your duty would have been to bring it to the others. This was better.“

The angle was wrong to get a good read on her face, but if he had to, Liam would guess at something between frustration, fondness and maybe respect. He hoped it wasn’t simply what he wanted to see.

“It is my duty now,“ she pointed out softly.

“He won’t survive Heaven even if we clear his name,“ Castiel argued, exasperated, before Gadreel could. “Too many of our siblings hold a grudge. It was your duty before to guard him and you took it too seriously to listen to him. Please, listen to him now.“

She was nearly theirs, Liam could see it. Gadreel, as he quickly realized, couldn’t, or didn’t dare to believe what he saw, but he was frozen in place, halfway to control.

Speaking up was a risk, but Liam had the feeling a twitch from Hannah could set Gadreel off to do something stupid, like try to run.

“Leave him with us,“ he said. “He’s not going anywhere. I have a life here and he wants to protect those children. You know as well as I do that he’s at his worst when you push him into a corner. Don’t do that to him again. He’s doing good here, for me and for the kids. It sounds to me he wouldn’t get a chance to do anything good up there.“

“He is almost as weak as the children and possibly as impossible to extract,“ Castiel added. “The same exception that was decided for them should apply to him. He belongs here, on Earth, with people who care about him, more than he belongs with us.”

She looked at Castiel, then back. Liam had no idea what to do if she says no. He’d fight for Gadreel, but the question was how.

“I agree.“

Liam dared to release the breath he was holding.

“Thank you.“

She didn’t look very happy with her decision, but when she shook her head, it was with gentle amazement more than anything else.

“We don’t appreciate vessels nearly enough. Especially ones like you. You said you have a life here. You truly found a way to coexist?“

How she went so fast from deciding their fate to curiosity and appreciation, he didn’t know. It made him wonder about her own vessel, though.

“We did. And you?“

“It is a struggle. This man agreed to host me when I need him, but I try to limit my time on Earth to the minimum.”

She again glanced at Castiel when she said that. Liam wondered what it took to convince her to come. He nodded his acknowledgement and invited Gadreel to take the lead.

“It is for this reason I agreed to meet you,“ Gadreel opened. “I’m guarding the children, but for my vessel to live here, Liam needs to work and earn money. Will you post here somebody to watch over them when I can’t?“

“How often can you watch?“

Gadreel detailed the gaps in their shift plan. Liam was faintly impressed that he reserved the time for walking Growl and even for Jay’s outings.

“That will have to be enough,“ Hannah told them after brief consideration, looking regretful but decisive. “We have everyone we trust to walk the Earth again so shortly after the Fall already present, most of them searching for other children. We can’t post guards before we know how many we need to guard.“

“How many have you found?“ Gadreel asked.

“Over a dozen, in addition to those Castiel discovered.“ She frowned. “All of them on this continent. In this country, even. It doesn’t make sense.“

Liam nudged Gadreel to share.

“It does if the one who’s doing this doesn’t have a passport.“

“That rules out demons,“ Castiel supplied. “And most angels, as neither need passports.“

“There are a lot of other creatures left, aren’t there?“ Liam asked.

“Very few are interested in matters between Heaven and Hell,“ Hannah responded. “And very few would dare to attract the attention of Heaven by such a plan.“

“Unless they think Heaven is too weakened and disorganized to act,“ Castiel pointed out.

“We’re missing an aspect, I think,“ Gadreel said quietly. “We are looking for children who carry an angel, and we are protecting those we’ve found. But if whoever is doing this is already using these children for anything, there should be victims. We need to also look for cases where some damage has been done.“

“Do we know what kind of damage?“ Liam asked. “We don’t have a clue what whoever this is wants to do with the kids, do we?“

“Souls and grace are fuels,“ Castiel said, voice even and eyes keen on him. “After, either the angel or both would be missing. I’ll ask the Winchesters. They will know what to look for.“

“Agreed,“ Hannah said.

Liam was beginning to feel light-headed, as if Gadreel’s breathing wasn’t fast enough for him. He nearly didn’t recognize the signs, because he didn’t recognize the reason. Only then did he remember to check on David. David, who was standing in the door to his bedroom, wide-eyed, barely skimming consciousness but enough to imagine himself in place of every single hurt kid out there.

Without second thought, Liam thrust full control at Gadreel and left the conversation to take care of him.

 

“Nothing. All natural causes or unrelated monsters. We will keep an eye out, but so far it seems our guy hasn’t made his move, yet.“

It’s been a week. Sam has taken to updating Liam and others about the search, but this was the last report he had to make.

“Good.“

It was nice hearing him, even though both of them somehow managed to avoid talking about anything personal since the movie. Liam told himself it was better to do that face to face; he wondered what Sam’s excuse was.

He also wondered if they’d meet now. It had been up to the Winchesters to do all the research and then check the cases closest to home, but they were returning to the bunker now.

“Do you think we might be wrong about what they want to do with the kids?“ It wasn’t even entirely a deflection. He did want to know.

“I think they’re just playing a long game,“ Sam replied after a short hesitation. “That might be just me, though. I can’t imagine anybody doing this for a good reason.“

“Maybe they just miss those dead angels?“

There was a long, long silence on Sam’s end. And a similarly deep silence inside, Liam suddenly noticed. Gadreel was still there, listening in as he always did since he got the permission. He was just-

“Why make a new Gail, then?“ Sam interrupted his attempt to get a feel for Gadreel’s response.

“I don’t know. Do we see any pattern in who gets a clone?“

“Not according to Cas. They aren’t a part of any particular faction at any point of history, they aren’t angels who died in some exact period, nothing. There aren’t any higher ranks, but that can still be random, considering how few really powerful angels there are. Or were.“

Liam felt Gadreel gently push and stepped aside, just enough to have the disconcerting sensation of someone else using the mouth he still felt as his.

“It still can be an angel behind it. We are supposed to care about all our siblings equally.“

And he stepped away again.

Sam took a moment, probably to process the change in speaker, but didn’t comment on it.

“So we’re back to a flightless rogue angel, or anything else except demons.“

“Looks like it. But at least we know we didn’t come too late for any of the kids, yet.“

“Yes.“

They fell to silence, the more awkward it got longer. There was a quick exchange between Gadreel and Jay just on the edge of his awareness, then Gadreel nudged him aside again.

“Forgive me if it’s too forward, but we would like to see you again. Would that be possible?“

Liam could feel himself blush.

“The day after tomorrow?“ Sam suggested, not sounding put out at all.

“Yes,“ Gadreel replied.

“That sounds fine,“ Liam amended. “It’s my day off, so I’ll be free once Teddy goes home from the daycare. His parents keep the longest hours.“

“I’ll join you around lunch, then.“

“It’s not much fun.“

“Stake-outs aren’t,“ Sam agreed. “That’s why I think you might use the company.“

Liam couldn’t help but smile.

“Thank you.“

“It’s a deal, then. See you on Thursday.“

“See you.“

Long after Sam ended the call, Liam still couldn’t find it in him to complain about the intervention, smiling like an idiot.

If Jay laughed at him, she did it mercifully too deep for him to sense.

 

Sam raised the paper bag in his hand by way of greeting.

“I bring lunch.“

“I don’t need to eat,“ Gadreel replied.

Sam just blinked, mentally adjusting to the angel being in charge, but it was enough for Gadreel to grow uncertain and add carefully, “but thank you. It will help not having to sustain my vessel for most of the day.“

Sam kept the food for the time being, but he stopped side by side with Gadreel. And if it wasn’t for the hint of wary surprise he received for it, he would have brushed the back of his hand with his.

“How close are you to not having to eat at all?“ he asked casually.

Seemed Gadreel was at least comfortable with him enough to grimace.

“It’s still a noticeable drain on my grace. We decided to not use it unless we have to because I might need all my strength elsewhere soon. But once I’m stronger, I’ll make sure we don’t need as much food, so that we can take more days off or save money.“

Sam grinned, though the grin was crooked.

“A money-conscious angel. I think you got used to the normal life better than I ever could. I’m not sure what I’d do if I did become a lawyer. Money is something you earn when you happen to have the chance, scam when you don’t, and spend immediately on whatever you most need at the moment. I still have no idea what to do with a comfortable wage.“

“Build a comfortable life, I think,“ Gadreel replied after some hesitation. “All of the others want to buy a couch once we can. That isn’t necessary, but it’s pleasant.“

Sam smiled, strangely comforted by this bout of angelic cluelessness. He wasn’t asking for an advice.

“That works,“ he agreed and let the matter drop. “Can you let the others join in enough to enjoy the burger?“

Gadreel hesitated again, or maybe consulted with his vessel.

“Yes.“

They ate in companionable silence, keeping a dutiful eye on the kids, who were just about to be herded inside for their own lunch.

“Do we know who the other girl is?“ Sam nodded towards the sweet-faced, curly-haired white child studying something in the grass, heads together with Teddy.

“Sabbadiel,” Gadreel said. “She fell in the First war. On Lucifer’s side, or so I’ve heard from Thaddeus.“

“You doubt it?“

“They thought I was on Lucifer’s side, too,“ Gadreel replied pointedly. “I think it was true in her case, though. She was always curious, prone to wandering off her task if she found something more interesting. She wasn’t well-suited to be part of the Host.“

“I can imagine.“

In the end, the teacher had to go get the two children. When they continued to ignore her when she crouched down to them, she simply lifted each up and stood them two feet away, facing the building. They followed her without much protest after that, though Teddy still watched his patch of grass until he lost sight of whatever was so fascinating there.

“Hannah told me the child angels won’t be judged for what their originals did, at least until they regain their memories, if they ever do,“ Gadreel offered.

“That’s good.“

They finished their burgers. Sam wiped his fingers on the paper napkin and threw it into the bag.

“Do you still watch when they’re inside?“

“There will be several parents coming for their children after lunch. It’s a good time for an attack. Afterwards, the children sleep. I usually go walk Growl.“

“Okay.“

They lapsed into silence again, until Gadreel flinched a bit and made a shy half-step away. Sam gave him a questioning look, only to realize his expression is off, too.

“Um. Hi.“

Not Gadreel, then. Not Liam, and if he was to go by their single encounter, not Jay, either.

“Hi?“

“I’m David.“

By the looks of it, the simple admission cost the boy a lot of courage. Rather than repeat the greeting, Sam just nodded. The distance between them was good, not fearful but not intimate, either. It made staying calm much easier. Sam had no idea how to handle teenagers, and even less of an idea how to handle a teenager who might be hitting on him, especially under the circumstances.

“So. You’re a hunter, right?“

“Yeah,“ Sam admitted cautiously.

David shrugged in a piteously failed attempt at nonchalance. He looked awkward in his adult body.

“We’ll be here for a while before the parents start coming. So. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but, do you have any stories?“

Sam blinked.

“Most of them are pretty grisly.“

David just looked at him. Just that, but in a face that was childishly unimpressed, his eyes were too old even for his adult alters. Right. This was a boy who has spent years in a coma because of the shit he’s seen.

“My friend is a werewolf,“ Sam blurted out, and that too old gaze melted in delighted surprise.

“Seriously?“

“Seriously.“ He wasn’t a storyteller, but by everything good and holy, he was going to make this one count. “You see, normally, being a werewolf is something like a disease. You get bitten and that’s the end of it. You become a monster, start killing people, sometimes without remembering it, and you need to be hunted down. That’s all we knew. At least till a couple of years ago.“

Lunch period passed before they knew it. Parents started showing up, one, then two. David stopped asking questions, his posture slowly faded back into Gadreel.

Sam wondered how he did. Well enough to make David relax a little, he thought, but hopefully not so well as to give the boy ideas he really didn’t want him to have.

His musings were interrupted by Gadreel’s tense: “I don’t know that woman.“

“Don’t stare so hard,“ Sam muttered to him and stole a glance at her.

All he saw was her back before she was buzzed into the daycare. Middle-aged or more likely older, heavy-set with wide hips, blonde hair in a low ponytail, thin cardigan and calf-length skirt. She didn’t seem to have difficulties moving about, but she wasn’t hurrying anywhere, either. She looked like somebody’s grandma picking up a kid when the parents couldn’t. The four days Gadreel was on watch duty were hardly enough to know everyone by sight.

“Anything strange about her?“

Gadreel didn’t respond, frowning, even though she has already gone in. A man walked near, pushing a stroller, glaring at them with cold, keen, too familiar eyes.

Sam froze. He had his hand halfway to his gun before he even realized what he’s seeing – long before he realized how useless a gun would be. Only then did his brain catch up to his reflexes and he did his best to pretend he wasn’t about to draw on an innocent civilian.

It wasn’t Lucifer. It wasn’t Lucifer, just someone who had the misfortune to look vaguely alike and not very friendly. Similar height and build, same eyes, something about the set of his mouth, but that was it. He even hesitated, his glare turning to wariness, and changed his trajectory to give them a wider berth, keeping the stroller as far from them as possible.

Not enough. In two long strides, Gadreel suddenly stepped forward, hand outstretched. The man’s eyes widened when two fingertips touched his forehead.

“What the-“

He wasn’t falling unconscious. Sluggish, too caught in Gadreel’s influence to defend himself, but awake, knuckles white on the handle of the stroller.

For a couple of seconds, nothing happened. Then Sam kicked himself into action and moved forward, gun out with safety on, praying Gadreel knows what he’s doing. Before he could whack the man over the head, though, he finally succumbed.

Gadreel caught him before he fell and pulled the stroller down with himself.

Sam helped to hold him, already scanning their surroundings for some alley to drag him to.

“What are you doing?“ he demanded quietly.

Gadreel faced him, somber. Devastated, arms wrapped almost protectively around his victim.

“The baby. She is Lucifer. She wasn’t yesterday.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Looks like I found a way to move the plot forward. :) We might be well past the halfway point of the story, now.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small warning for lots and lots of swearing.

There wasn’t anywhere to hide. Not with his powers so limited that even pulling the man under took considerable effort. He at least carried him into the nearest side street, Sam pushing the stroller after him with one hand while he dialled Castiel with the other.

“Cas. We need you here, right now. Lincoln, off South 25th Street, across the daycare. We have a new kid. It’s bad.“

A flutter of wings and Castiel arrived. In plain sight, but so were they.

Gadreel could see the exact moment his brother realized whose grace lay nestled in the tiny human baby in the stroller, shining brighter than in any of the other children.

Stronger, maybe, than Gadreel currently was. How could such a young baby withstand grace so radiant, even for a moment, he didn’t know.

“Cas. Get us out of here. At least her dad. And keep him under. The shed, I think. We’ll meet you there.“

“No,“ Gadreel protested. “Take the baby first. She hadn’t been possessed yesterday. We still might have a chance to remove Lucifer from her if we’re fast.“

Castiel snapped out of his shock.

“Guard her. I will be back for you,“ he told Sam, then reached for Gadreel and his burden and carried them both to the shed.

Gadreel barely had the time to swallow the bitter reminder of his own inability to fly and Castiel was off and back again with Sam, the stroller and the baby.

They all piled inside, leaving the door slightly ajar to let at least some light in.

“I’m going to try and untangle Lucifer,“ Castiel announced. “Gadreel, will you help me?“

“Yes.“

“And your vessel?“

With a sickening lurch, he realized he had pushed them all down. Again. Not very deep, but too deep to get anything more than vague impressions of what was happening.

They weren’t fighting him. The whole time, relatively short as it was, not a single one of them jeopardized his focus by trying to claw back up.

_Thank you. I’m sorry. Thank you._

They resurfaced, Liam first, Jay floating half-aware somewhere beneath him, David safely tucked away.

 _What do you need?_ Liam asked.

He was reacting to his sense of urgency. Rightfully so; there was no time to marvel at it, or flood his vessel with gratefulness.

_The baby was possessed by Lucifer, less than a day ago. Castiel is going to try and untangle him from her. Jay. Please. Will you help?_

She stared at him. He grit his teeth and refused to rush her, or influence her.

_You realize I have no idea how the mind of a baby works, right?_

_Maybe, but if anyone can learn to understand it fast enough to help, it’s you._

She barely reacted to his words.

_Lucifer. Fuck._

Yes.

_Okay. Take me._

Gadreel looked at Castiel, who was watching him in turn, too keen to seem impatient, too sharp to exude patience.

“Jay will help.“

Castiel nodded and turned to Sam.

“Sam, try to find out how long ago she was possessed. Her father will wake up soon. Get him to understand if you can.“

He didn’t even seem aware of how easily he took charge.

“Sure,“ Sam confirmed, as determined as the rest of them.

Castiel took a breath, the grace he so customarily kept unassuming unfurling bright within the confines of his vessel. He reached out, two fingertips on the baby’s forehead and two on Gadreel’s.

Gadreel folded protectively around Jay and surrendered to the pull.

 

Sam considered the unconscious man, laying propped against the boards under which the angel-suppressing sigil was painted. Clean-shaven, clean t-shirt and jeans, a baby so tiny she couldn’t be more than two months old. A dad on parental leave, or someone who dictated his own hours. A little rough around the edges for a newborn’s caretaker – that glare had been impressive, probably would have been even without the similarity to Lucifer.

Sam left him where he was.

The sigil itself was tempting, but he left it as it was, too, covered under all that wood. Neither Castiel nor Gadreel were stupid, they would have used it if they thought it could help, but its purpose never was to tear an angel from its vessel. For all he knew, it would make Lucifer take deeper roots in the baby’s soul.

Nothing left to do but plan and wait for the man to wake up.

He should have known he would come up swinging. Standing up as if on springs, primed to fight.

“What the fuck are you doing, you damn creep!“

That was when he noticed the change of scenery, and the two men standing over the stroller, and his tone changed to a quieter but much more dangerous, “Get the hell away from my daughter!“

He moved forward and Sam slammed him against the boards – and immediately ducked to avoid open palms to the ears, then a knee to the gut. A few more moves and he pushed the guy into the boards once more, face first and hand twisted high between his shoulder blades. He was unbelievably bendy. Or had a very high pain threshold. Probably both.

“We aren’t going to hurt your daughter.“

“The fuck I believe you.“

“We are trying to save her.“

The man stopped struggling, if only to make sense of the statement. Sam wasn’t going to let him get used to the idea he’s held by lunatics.

“Seven years ago, someone from your family vanished without a trace. A brother or a first cousin, around your age.“

Now the man went stock still. Deathly quiet.

“The fuck you know about Nick.“

“Very little, but I’m sorry for your loss.“

His captive’s face twisted, teeth gleaming in the dim light from the outside.

“They never found a body.“

“He’s dead, or as good as. I can later try to look up coma patients from that time, but I don’t think I’ll find him. I’m sorry.“

He paused, but once more, he couldn’t afford to let the man process the information.

“Three years ago, there was a huge meteor shower. I can’t be sure, but I think they were desperate enough to come to you. One, or more of them. Asking you to lend them your body. I’m guessing you said no.“

This time he waited for a reaction. He didn’t have to wait long.

“Who are you. How do you know all this.”

“I’m a hunter. The other two are envesseled angels. They are trying to get a third angel out of your daughter.“

The man flinched, then scowled.

“Babies can’t say yes.“

“Someone found a way around that. It’s not a whole angel, just a fragment of one. She got possessed sometime since you saw Gadreel yesterday. That's the guy who knocked you unconscious. Please. I need you to remember anything unusual that happened to her. Someone is doing this to children and we need to stop them.“

“Let go of me first.“

A dangerous request. Sam released him anyway. Half against his expectations, the man turned slowly, trying to get his twisted arm to work again. He pointed to the two angels with a jerk of his chin.

“What exactly are they trying to do?“

That was when Sam realized he didn’t know. Getting Lucifer out, sure, but once out he had to go somewhere. Unless they were about to cut him out thread by thread, until there was nothing left.

“All the other kids we’ve found have been possessed for a while. They fused with their angels, so we can’t get them out. But your daughter’s possession is fresh. We’re hoping it will make a difference. They are- Manipulating a soul directly is incredibly painful, so they are going through her mind.“

“What is that doing to her?“

Sam shook his head. “I’m not an expert, but I trust them. They will do everything in their power to make sure she’s okay.“

“Two angels who ride human bodies. Trying to save another human from one of their kind. Sounds believable. Get out of my way.“

“They are both in her mind right now. It would be like jumping a surgeon who’s elbow deep in her guts. Don’t do it.“

“Are you fucking out of your mind? You kidnapped us. You are doing something to her you can’t explain. And you want me to just calmly stand by?“

“Nobody would expect you to be calm during her emergency surgery, either,“ Sam pointed out. “But what did you expect us to do? We couldn’t know you knew anything about angels when Gadreel spotted the one in her. There was no time to convince you. For all we know, every minute counts. I’m sorry. I’m sorry this happened to her, and I’m sorry we couldn’t get you on board first. Please. Do you remember anything unusual that happened to her during the past day?“

The man didn’t relax. He was thinking, but whether he was planning how to best clock him in the face, or actually trying to recall something, Sam didn’t know.

“Nothing. No lights, no voices, no strange signs. Not unless it happened when she was sleeping in her crib.“

“The angel wouldn’t come by himself. There is somebody doing this to the kids. And to the angels, we think. Angels don’t normally have a childhood, but these don’t act any older than their vessels. Anybody strange getting to her that you remember?“

The man grew rigid.

“Fuck.“

Sam waited for a further explanation. It was a very short wait.

“The only stranger that got to her in the past day was this obnoxious hag who insisted on cooing at her even when I told her to back off. She touched her face and I grabbed her hand, telling her Grace’s still a newborn and can’t have strangers touching her. She shushed me. Told me a little blessing wouldn’t go amiss, the old witch. And the whole time, she struggled to keep her hand where it was. Fuck. I should have shoved her away, but with my luck that would have been an assault charge.“

“You couldn’t have known.“

“I should have the right to keep strangers from touching my kid! I shouldn’t have to be afraid of losing my kid for defending her!“

“Yeah,“ Sam said softly.

The man stared at him as if the last thing in this world he expected was an agreement from somebody, the attitude and the anger behind it chillingly familiar. Sam couldn’t help but wonder what was the injustice that had prompted Nick to say yes.

“Can you describe her to me?“

“She was, I don’t know, in her seventies? Fat, but not too much. Pastel clothes, blonde hair in a ponytail. That look you expect a proper churchgoer to have. Cardigan on, not much of a cleavage, longish skirt. Guess I could draw you her face.“

Sam carefully controlled his breathing. If this was the same woman from earlier, she was long out of the daycare. After doing whatever she wanted there. Nothing he could do now without disturbing Cas and Gadreel from their work.

“When was it?“

“On my way to the daycare. Maybe something over half an hour before you got me.“

“You have another kid there?“

The man’s jaw locked. It was enough of a reply.

“How old? What’s their name?“

“Not before you tell me what you’re getting at.“

Sam forced himself to calm down.

“Your whole bloodline are vessels. Most people can’t handle carrying an angel, not for long or not at all. Your… brother? Nick, carried an archangel for months. That’s why he vanished. He said yes to one.“

“Fuck.“ It was quiet, this time, and painful to even hear.

“That kind of strength doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s inherited. That’s why that creature chose your child. All your kids may be in danger.“

“Maternal or paternal?“

“What?“

“The bloodline. Does it come through our mom or dad?“

Sam showed open palms.

“I don’t know. Could be either. Or both.“

“Fuck you, we have four half-siblings, me and Nick. Some of them have kids, too. Who do I warn?“

“How old?“

“Why do you ask?“

“None of the kids we’ve found so far are older than four. We think they have their angels for a while. We don’t know if the bad guys target only newborns, but there are four possessed kids at that daycare. What’s your kid’s name?“

The man shook his head.

“Tim, but he’s adopted from my wife’s side of the family. He should be safe. And my oldest is almost nine.“

Sam nodded.

“We can check on them, just in case, but they really should be safe. Teach your oldest not to say yes to imaginary friends, though. He – she? – isn’t the right age for what happened to your baby, but there are angels who aren’t above trying their luck with children. Not to mention the kid will grow up someday.“

“I’ll tell him. But I don’t want you three anywhere near my children after this.“

“Fair enough.“

They lapsed into a short silence. The angels behind Sam’s back remained motionless.

“So you’ve met Nick.“

The man had the air of someone who needs a shot of something strong.

“I don’t think I ever did. Just- the archangel. I honestly don’t know if his soul was still there. When there’s enough damage to the body, the angel can repair it, but the soul departs.“ He paused. “Actually, he definitely wasn’t there past a point. I’m sorry. I saw that kind of damage happen.“

“You didn’t give it much thought before, did you?“

“I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t even save myself back then.“

Or my own brother, he thought, but that was dangerously close to breaking a rule he’s set for himself a long, long time ago: _Never think about Adam._

“Guess we have time for you to tell me much more of that story.”

Sam took a deep breath.

“You don’t want to hear it.“

“It caught up to my daughter,“ the man growled. “You bet your ass I want to know what she’s facing.“

There was nothing to say against that.

“Vessel bloodlines. They aren’t universal, not at this level. It was only a specific archangel Nick could carry.“

“You’re still beating around the bush. Why?“

“Because it was Lucifer.“

This time, the man didn’t even swear. He just stared at him for a second, then turned on his heel and walked a few steps towards the door. Then turned and walked back.

“Okay, that’s bad. I’ll give you that.“

Sam wondered how deep into shock he is to talk so calmly.

“Don’t judge him too harshly. Even as a backup vessel, he would have been groomed for the role for months, if not his whole life.“

The man’s mouth twisted.

“He didn’t have to be. His wife and an one-year-old son were murdered less than two months before he disappeared. Robbery attempt gone bad.“

Sam didn’t fight the pit that opened in his gut at the words.

“That was probably part of the grooming.“

The man stared at him.

“Are you telling me Satan personally had my baby nephew killed so he could possess my brother?“

“Maybe not personally, but I don’t believe it was coincidence. It mattered too much to be coincidence. You wanted to understand so that you can protect your daughter. What you need to understand is that Hell, and most of Heaven, will stop at nothing to get what they want.“

“Says the guy who wants me to trust two angels.“

“They had both decided they don’t want to have that attitude.“

The man glanced at the still scene in front of them. His fists closed, then opened again.

“How long is this going to take?“

“I don’t know.“

“I’m going to give a call to my wife, to pick Timmy up.“ He grimaced. “Once I come up with a good excuse.“

“Are you going to tell her about all this?“

“Not over the phone. But you said these people – creatures, whatever – stop at nothing. I’m not going to be Nick. If knowing will give her the slightest chance at defending herself and the kids, she’s going to know.“

Sam only nodded. The man drew his phone from his pocket, gave him a glance, and aimed for the door, giving Sam a very quick choice to make.

“Um-“

“What?“ There was enough of a hint of a challenge in the man’s voice that he knew the choice was deliberate.

“We aren’t here exactly legally. It’s not a good idea to be seen outside if you can help it.“

The man raised an eyebrow.

“And what other trouble with the law except trespassing have you dragged me into?“

Sam shook his head.

“None. And none I couldn’t drag you out of by pretending to have abducted you.“

The man’s dark, sharp amusement was hard to miss even in the gloom.

“Wouldn’t even be pretending too much, would it?“

Sam conceded the point with another small nod.

The man dialled a number and turned partially away. Quick dial, so probably not police.

“Hey Cid. Can I make you angry at me?“ A pause. “I need you to pick up Timmy.“ Pause. “Something happened and I needed to make a detour. I won’t make it on time.“ Pause. “No, I’m not. I’m with Gracie, neither of us is injured. Trust me?“ A longer pause. “I know. I’ll get to you as soon as I can, and I promise I will explain everything.“ Pause. “No, afraid not. You will think I’m crazy. But we’ve handled bad before. We’ll handle this, too.“ Pause. “Cid, love of my life, stop trying to drag it out of me over the phone.“ Pause. “I know. Sorry. Love you. See you soon.“

He disconnected the call. Held the phone for a little while longer, then put it back in his pocket and turned back to Sam, grim.

“Now tell me what will happen to my daughter if these two fail.“

Sam suddenly couldn’t hold his gaze, and it wasn’t just for the resemblance between him and Lucifer.

“The other children we know seem to somehow share. They tend to call themselves with a name that resembles the angel, at least part of the time, but that seems to be the only thing they recall for now. The only difference between them and normal children is the way they react to other angels, including each other. They seek each other out, a lot. The Host is- You can ask Cas later, but angels are supposed to be very close to each other. They don’t do well alone.“

The man’s eyebrows rose.

“That sounds suspiciously non-catastrophic. What aren’t you telling me?“

Sam braced himself.

“I don’t know how much of an exception Grace will be. She has the potential to be very strong as a vessel, so she might be better at resisting her angel’s influence than most if you raise her right. But her angel is Lucifer.“

The man was struck mute for a long, long time. Sam fervently wished for the angels to come out of their trance and tell them both Lucifer is gone. Nothing happened.

“You’re telling me my five weeks old baby daughter is infected with the same thing that killed my brother.“

“Not… entirely the same. More like his equally newborn clone.“

“If you’re lying to me, I’ll kill you. Even if you’re some kind of messed up fanatic and believe what you’re saying, if it isn’t the truth, I’ll kill you. Don’t think I won’t.“

“Fair enough.“

The man turned away again, rubbed his lips.

“You’re talking as if she stands a chance.“

“Because I think she does.“

“How?“

“We don’t know if the kids are the same they would be if they didn’t carry their angels. But they’re for the most part normal kids. Even the one who was Heaven’s guard and a torturer. We don’t know what will happen later. Maybe the angels will take over completely, maybe they’ll keep on sharing, and maybe they will never be anything more than a bit of grace and a name.“

“A bit of grace?“

“Angelic essence.”

“Talk about a fuck up when naming your kid.“

It was too dry for any kind of amusement. Sam grimaced in agreement and left it at that.

“We don’t know yet if Lucifer being an archangel will make any difference. Cas and Gadreel will know more when they’re done. But, unless he’s aware of his history the way none of the others are-“ He had to pause there, collect himself. “The worst thing about Lucifer is that he isn’t pure evil. Damn close to it by now, but deep down-“

“Bullshit.“

Sam blinked at him, taken aback by the anger.

“You’re feeding me utter bullshit. Nobody can know what somebody else is ‘deep down’.”

“I can.“

“Fuck you.“

“I was Lucifer’s vessel, too.“

The man shut up so fast his teeth clicked.

“He’s far beyond saving. He’s exactly the horror you’d expect. But he cares. Furiously. What makes him evil is in his head. He believes humanity should never have happened and he’ll stop at nothing to prove it. I can’t begin to describe the depth of contempt he has for us. But he loved his siblings. And he loved the Earth.“ Sam swallowed, trying to come out of the deluge of memories. “He’s immature. Most angels are. Most of them don’t know how to do anything else than follow orders, and how to think in anything else than black and white. But they can learn, even though they are about as old as the Universe. So think about what you can do with one who isn’t.“

“So. You’re telling me Grace is possessed by Satan, but she’ll be fine if we raise her up to shit rainbows, because the only problem with him is that he’s a homicidal bigot.“

Sam shifted his weight, uneasy, but then forced himself to straighten.

“No. But it will give her a fighting chance. Maybe even him. Whoever did this has an agenda. There must be a reason they raised Lucifer, out of all the archangels. They have their plans with your daughter and with Lucifer both. You need to protect her. And you need to let us help. I can’t promise you she will be out of danger if Cas and Gadreel take Lucifer out. I don’t know if that would mean nobody can try again. We can teach you the basics, but until we deal with whoever is doing this, she won’t be safe.“

The man narrowed his eyes.

“You got rid of Lucifer somehow. Why can’t she?“

Sam couldn’t help the flinch.

“It was a one-time chance. At least in Lucifer’s case. Normally, you can throw an angel out if you have a strong will and realize what is happening. That’s harder than it sounds, because angels can ‘pack away’ their hosts, keep them unaware. On top of that, the kids are fused with their angels, since they grew up with them. I don’t think either the kid or the angel even realize they’re two entities at this point, much less where one ends and the other begins. I doubt any of them will ever try to eject their angels.“

“You’re saying we can’t teach her to keep her distance and to get rid of him one day, because there’s no distance.“

Sam nodded.

“I’m afraid all you’d do would be to convince her she’s a monster and you hate her. Make her vulnerable to him.“

“You’re asking me to pretty much adopt Satan.“

“I wish I didn’t have to.“

The man snorted.

“Because that helps so much.“

But it was quiet, an afterthought to vent the tension more than anything else. Sam let it pass.

“I’m Sam, by the way.“

“Luke.“

Sam nodded, because ‘Nice to meet you’ would have been in very bad taste under the circumstances.

The conversation dried out after that, with nothing to do but wait.

 

The mind of the baby was a strange landscape. Not bland at all: with almost no direct experience to shape it yet, the soul with all its potential suffused everything. Streaks of meaning rose from the depth and ran back from the surface to the depth where something reinforced them: the search for food, the bliss of warm milk, the closeness, the safety. Light and sound, the overwhelming and amazing world. The inexplicable and crushing pain of too much air inside. The relief when it went out. Loneliness, gaping wide no matter for how short a time. They were rudimentary, but they were human experiences, and they tied back to the soul’s capacity to make sense of them.

She was already beginning to grasp that bad things happen, and trust that they will eventually pass. Gadreel realized, somewhat startled, that he’ll always know the scent and voices of both her parents after this.

There was no time to marvel at it, or to distance himself from it. Like the brilliance of a sun already setting, Lucifer’s grace was sinking towards the soul, tendrils of light like a jellyfish’s net cast all over the baby’s malleable mind.

Castiel held himself and his passengers out of reach, hovering, assessing.

What was there of Lucifer wasn’t a fragment, Gadreel suddenly understood. It was an egg, a seed, first tightly wound unto itself, now uncoiling in the warmth of the soul. Maybe it had the potential of an archangel, but for now it wasn’t any more aware than its other little siblings. Less, in fact. The grace was undoubtedly Lucifer’s, but there was nothing of the song and the sharp awareness that had characterized him even back at the very beginning. Just an air of anticipation, like waiting for a musician to lay the first note.

“The baby isn’t defending itself,“ Jay said.

It was true. As if her mind was rich soil ready to accept the seed, every root the grace sent out was embraced and sank in without resistance. The essense of the archangel was becoming an experience of its own, drawn towards the soul along the same pathways. They weren’t going to be able to rip it out without doing damage.

“I’m going to stop it from fusing further,“ Castiel announced and descended, leaving both Gadreel and Jay at their vantage point.

What followed Gadreel wouldn’t be able to describe to his human vessel in full; he wondered how much Jay was able to grasp. Castiel was huge next to the grace-seed in his mature complexity, a full-fledged warrior of the Host, sharp as a spear in his intent. But also, he was insignificant next to the grace of an archangel – maybe much more powerful in absolute terms, but much less pure. Like molten gold is heavy and pyrite much lighter, Castiel with all his vastly larger mass still couldn’t do anything against Lucifer’s grace sinking towards the soul.

A few tendrils of grace unspooled and gathered around him, tentative, then recoiled and laid themselves across the landscape instead at a lazy, near loving stretch with all the innocence of a predator.

Except Lucifer wasn’t that. Not here. It was a joining, not consuming. An act of creation as much as violation.

Gadreel stifled the tremor that went through him, wrapped himself around Jay again to protect her the best he could, and reached out.

“Lucifer! Brother.“

The grace stopped its descent. For an eternity, it hovered there, unchanged. Then it uncoiled a little bit more and reached back.

The first tendril that touched him was already overwhelming, like a live wire wrapping around the candle he was. But he was the Wall of God, he could stand firm. And he was a criminal, he could present a pleasant face when he had to.

The Sentry seducing the Serpent. Lucifer wasn’t drawn to him any less than the other angel children. Any less than to his own child vessel.

The grace began to rise towards him. He wished fervently he could kick Jay out to their shared body, but there was nowhere to hide her. He couldn’t leave his vessel, he couldn’t shield them from the consequences of his reckless heroism.

The grace stopped again. Sent out a few more tendrils, cruel in their blank innocence.

“Lucifer,“ he said again, because he could at least do that. The tendrils withdrew somewhat as if sensing his doubt, formed a loose cage around him.

Once upon a time, he would have been able to handle their intensity. His class wasn’t far from the archangels, after all. But he was too tiny now, too damaged, too imperfect. There was more power in his vessel’s soul than there was in him.

And Lucifer’s grace needed to go somewhere, even if they managed to pull it out of the baby.

“Look,“ Jay whispered. “She isn’t letting go of him.“

It was true, even though how she knew while wrapped both in him and in Lucifer, he didn’t know. The tendrils that already bound Lucifer to the soul were going taut, pulling him in.

“Can you convince her to release him?“ he asked.

“I don’t know how.“ Jay’s distress ran directly through him, made Lucifer open the cage wider and give them a better view. “She’s too young. If it doesn’t hurt, she accepts everything.“

“He’s divine,“ Gadreel replied quietly. “He’s the purest experience she’ll ever have.“

“A baby on heroin,“ she said bitterly. “How do you want to compete with a shot?“

Castiel, ever the warrior, stuck his hands into the soil, reaching alongside Lucifer’s grace. The tendril remained tight like a fishing-line. The archangel-seed began to sink again.

“Sting her to make her reject him?“ Jay suggested.

“We’d have to hurt her enough to overshadow him, I think,“ Gadreel replied. “And if she already accepted him, she’d probably just pull him in faster to protect her. No, we need to convince him to leave. But he needs to go somewhere. I’m afraid- If I pull him to me, he’ll take us as the vessel.“

He wasn’t sure she understood the enormity of the situation. There wasn’t nearly enough revulsion or fear coming from her.

“He’s one scary baby, I’ll give you that,“ she commented after a moment. She was hesitating. He was afraid of her hesitation. If she proved more courageous than he was, what was left? “You’d need Liam here. I’m not the self-sacrificing type. We have better chances than she has, but…”

“I should see a chance to save a lost brother,“ he told her. He couldn’t even make himself voice his own ‘but’.

“You mean the guy who betrayed you, so you lost everything a got tortured for most of human history? Don’t be an idiot.“

“This one is still innocent.“

“And you’re afraid of him anyway. You know what? Save yourself the angsting. I say no. You can’t override me, can you?“

There was no hiding his shame and gratefulness from her, not here.

“No.“

“Great. Now that’s settled, let’s come up with something better.“

“Gadreel,“ Castiel called up to them. He had given up his effort; Lucifer’s grace was burrowed nearly as deep now as when they came. “Can you keep him from joining further? I need to talk to Hannah. I think we have a chance to draw him to Heaven.“

He sent a wordless question to Jay.

“Sure,“ she murmured back.

“Yes,“ he told Castiel.

Castiel faded from the mind without another word.

 

Cas came up first, just raised his head. It was enough to make both Sam and Luke snap to full attention. Gadreel was still out of it, and after frowning at him briefly, Cas carefully led him to take his place, connect to the baby.

“What is happening?“ Sam demanded.

“Gadreel found a way to keep Lucifer from joining with the soul fully, but I need to talk to Hannah. I’ll return soon.“

With a flutter of wings, he vanished.

“Well,“ commented Luke after a long moment. “At least you weren’t lying about them being angels.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is already written and will come as soon as I can find some time to edit.  
> That's what last minute split of one chapter into two will do for you :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...yes, it took me this long to find a moment to edit and post an already written chapter. I'm sorry. On the bright side, I should have a little more time and energy now, at least for a little while. Yay.

The wait was endless, timeless. With Jay and her firm refusal shielding them both and the rest of his vessel, Gadreel could let himself be welcoming, at least enough to draw Lucifer’s curiosity. He could watch, too, and remember.

There was so little of his original in this new Lucifer. They shared grace; that intensity and purity was unmistakable. Gadreel had no doubt that this one will turn out just as willful. But there was no awareness in him now beyond raw instinct, and that was jarring. Lucifer had always been clever, keenly aware, and as much as he loved their Father’s work, his brand of love had always involved breaking things down to understand how they worked, then putting them back together, sometimes in new ways that nobody else would have thought of.

This one truly was a baby, blindly drawn both to Gadreel’s own grace and to the girl’s warm soul.

How she didn’t shy away from him, how she could even pull him in and refuse to let go, Gadreel couldn’t comprehend. Even in this elementary state, Lucifer burned like a star, so beautiful it hurt. She wasn’t deterred. She clung to him as if he was something essential, something irreplaceable. Something without which she wasn’t complete.

She clung to him like a soul that was made to complement him. He was competing with a bond between an angel and his true vessel. No wonder Lucifer wouldn’t, couldn’t, budge. She almost seemed stronger than him.

The Lucifer of old would hate the notion.

Gadreel set aside his petty satisfaction to savor it later. Ignoring Jay’s curious nudge, he radiated warmth to his brand new brother.

 

It was maybe fifteen minutes before Cas showed up again, but it seemed endless.

One look at him and Sam wished he had stayed away a little longer. He was haggard, the weight on his shoulders too much for any one person, even an angel.

“Hannah will not help.”

Sam bit back disappointment, but he couldn’t say he was surprised.

“What does that mean?“ Luke demanded.

“Lucifer is an angel, he naturally seeks unity with the Host of Heaven. That’s how Gadreel, as his brother, can keep him suspended. Lucifer is drawn to him and to your daughter equally. I hoped the pull of Heaven would be enough to draw him out of his vessel, but that didn’t work. Lucifer isn’t allowed into Heaven. We need to find another way.“

“Like..?“

“I don’t know.“

“You can’t destroy him?“ Sam asked.

“No. And I wouldn’t even if I could.“

Luke raised his eyebrows.

“An angel who won’t take a swing at Satan? Why?“

“He isn’t Satan. He is a copy of Lucifer, innocent of his sins. I won’t kill another brother if I can help it. But I won’t sacrifice your daughter, either. Lucifer needs a vessel to exist on Earth. I can’t share mine, it’s strong enough for me but not for him. Gadreel shouldn’t, he has a soul to protect and he’s still too weak to survive next to an archangel.“

Sam paled.

“Cas…”

“You’re saying it’s my daughter or another archangel-grade vessel,“ Luke overrode him. Something in his tone sent shivers down Sam’s spine.

“Yes.“

“Fine. What do I do?“

Time came to a halt. Only for Sam, obviously, because Cas wasn’t affected.

“You volunteer yourself?“

“It’s me or my baby, you moron. I wouldn’t exactly call it having a choice, but yes, I’ll go for it. What do I do?“

Seconds began to trickle in again while Cas was considering the man.

“You need to convince Lucifer that you want him. What you are offering is a sacrifice, not consent. It would be enough for any other angel, but not for him in his current state. He is too innocent, he acts on instinct, not words. He clings to your daughter because she welcomes him. She recognizes she was made for him, and she has no concept of self to protect her. You need to let go of your boundaries, you can’t depend on him to tear them down.“

For the first time, Luke wavered.

“Any good advice on how to do that?“

Cas didn’t even blink, too focused on the matter at hand.

“Stop hating him. He had this done to him, same as your daughter. He is closer to a newborn than an angel, and he is abandoned by Heaven.“

“Poor him,“ Luke sneered. “Except the first chance he got, he grew up into Satan.“

“And he will again if you hate him.“

“He will go through everything you are,“ Sam jumped in. “Every weakness, every secret. There’s no privacy with angels.“

“You aren’t doing a very good job of selling him to me,“ Luke growled.

“I’m not selling him to you. I can’t do that. Don’t think you can somehow trick him into growing up good. You love your family so much that you’d do this for them. I don’t know if it will be enough. If he becomes anything like his old self, he will twist everything that makes you a good man for his own purposes. Don’t underestimate him.“

“Fuck you. I need to do this, so help me or shut up!“

“You will feel more yourself with him than you’ve ever been,“ Sam continued with bitter self-loathing. “As if he filled holes in you you never knew were there. You won’t be able to hate him once you let him in. I don’t know. Maybe he’s really as innocent now as Cas says. So he will take in everything you are and if you’re okay, he’ll turn out okay. I wouldn’t be able to trust him if I let him in, so I wouldn’t trust myself and I’d mess it up. But you might have a chance. If you really want to do this, just let Cas get you in touch and see for yourself. I don’t think it will be that hard to get him in once you get a taste.“

“You have a will, your daughter only has instinct,“ Cas added. “I can’t tell if it will draw him to you more, or less.“

“I guess we can only try,“ Luke concluded, sardonic. “So do whatever you need to do.“

 

The presence of another soul in the baby’s mindspace was like another planet coming near, vast and looming. Castiel was there, and with him the image of the girl’s father, but what should have been a simple projection held power Gadreel has until now only felt in Sam. Even Lucifer seemed taken aback at first.

“That’s him?“ the man demanded, glaring at the seed of light.

“Yes.“ Castiel fidgeted a bit. “You’re radiating hostility.“

“Right. He’s a cute, helpless little parasite.“

“Actually, calling him a symbiont would be more exact at this stage.“

“Great. Shut up.“

Unnoticed until now, the baby’s mind was rearranging itself subtly to accomodate the new arrival. The souls were so similar to each other in essence that there was no fear, no discomfort; she was simply ready to accept him as easily as she did Lucifer. Gadreel wasn’t sure which was more disturbing.

The man walked across his daughter’s soft mind to crouch right next to Lucifer. Gadreel glanced at Castiel, uncertain, but he received no explanation.

“I’m not letting you take Grace,“ the man said. Gadreel frowned, even more confused. Then the man reached out, nearly touching Lucifer’s light. “Come here.“

Lucifer flared impossibly brighter. Gadreel bit back a futile warning, but it wasn’t indignant anger coming off his brother; he was too unaware of himself to be offended by the command. Instead, it was something much more primal. Something like recognition. Instead of burning the man to a cinder – or attempting it, at least – Lucifer rose to the challenge. Lifting himself from the soil like a bubble of air struggling up, he fought to touch the outstretched hand.

Then he did. And there, barely at the edge of Gadreel’s angelic senses, sounded a single note, like the dawn breaking. A faint awareness that wasn’t there before.

The man, the father, didn’t flinch. There wasn’t much space for awe or fear in him, it seemed, just sheer determination, and Gadreel finally understood.

Nobody else would be able to do what he was doing. Not Hannah, not the painfully sweet promise of Heaven. It had to be him, because the girl’s soul didn’t resist him taking over. They were too similar in essence, two vessels from the same clay. There was no boundary from her side, so she let Lucifer go to what must have appeared to her like just another facet of herself.

Lucifer, for his part, seemed mesmerized by this new, experienced soul. The tendrils around Gadreel began withdrawing. The cage became looser, then fell apart completely, each string of light curling back into the seed. Next went those cast across the mind: the visible ones retracted, but Gadreel had the feeling that those that had already sunk into the ground simply dissolved, leaving traces of grace behind like a subtle blessing.

For the first time, he wondered what purpose it served that an angel always left a part of themselves in a vessel. It didn’t form a conscious connection, that much he knew. He’d found Jay and Liam the second time because he knew at least roughly where to expect them, not because of the mark he left on them, and as far as he could tell, there was nothing to feel about Sam other than regret and apprehension when he saw him again after being ejected.

Perhaps it was to soften the blow of an angel leaving. Or perhaps it was just a well-deserved reward that made the vessel healthier, at least for a while. If that was so, he was glad. He had left Sam less than healed, only partway to recovery. It was nice to think he had continued his work even after, a testament of good intentions, despite the grim result.

The baby won’t be hurt by the leftover grace, that was for sure.

The man’s hand glowed like sunset, its flesh lit up from within. Still he didn’t budge and didn’t soften, coaxing Lucifer into himself with every bit of willpower he possessed. The music began, a few simple notes that had nothing on what Lucifer had been once, back at the very beginning, but they were there, clear in the bright still air.

It was the challenge of his new mature vessel that made him, however faintly, aware of himself, Gadreel was certain of it.

Suddenly he was thrown out of the girl’s mind, just in time to see a small ball of grace, no bigger than a plum, float from the baby’s mouth to her father’s. It was over before he got his bearings.

The man lowered his head, eyes firmly closed, and let his hands fall from his baby and squeeze the edge of the stroller.

The little girl squirmed and whimpered and her father came out of his trance with a shudder.

“Shh.“ He reached for her, then jerked his hand back.

“Is it safe to hold her, or will he try to jump back?“ he demanded.

“You can hold her,“ Castiel said.

The man quickly picked her up, rocking and hushing her. Gadreel suspected he’s calming them both down.

He glanced at Sam, but Sam wasn’t looking at any of them. Shoulders hunched, body half turned away into the darkest corner of the shed, it was clear he didn’t want to be there. Didn’t want to have witnessed what he just did. And Gadreel was at a loss how to comfort him.

For that matter, Jay and the rest of his vessel were quiet, too. Withdrawn. Perhaps they all needed some time to process.

“How do you feel?“ Castiel asked first. Ever the commander, and the least patient of them.

The man glared at him, but he didn’t refuse to answer outright. The baby was still squirming, none too happy, and he used the excuse to devote most of his attention to her.

“The same,“ he finally said. “I felt him when he went in, but if you’d ask me where he’s now, I’d have no idea.” He scowled. “He’s just a parasite, in there somewhere. But he’s out of Grace. I can handle the rest.“

Sam turned to him, still silent.

“I’m not sure you can win a war with him,“ Gadreel said softly.

“Watch me,“ the man grumbled, too wrapped in his child to growl.

“He’s not a fragment. He’s a seed, he will grow. He already did while you called on him. He had no awareness when it was only him and your daughter, but he awakened when he faced your adult mind and will. He will gain full awareness soon, much sooner than he would in a newborn vessel.“

“I’ll watch out.“

“You can give him a second chance.“

The man kissed his baby’s forehead and lowered her back into the stroller. She immediately started to fuss, but instead of going back to her, he wheeled on Gadreel.

“He’s a parasite,“ he repeated, queitly furious. “So are you and your buddy here. And I’m not quite sure about your role in all this,“ he gave a glare to Sam, too. “You said Lucifer killed my brother. I’m not going to adopt his baby clone. He isn’t going to get what he wants from me.“

Sam jerked his shoulders, visibly uneasy. “I understand. Cas and Gadreel have a point, but I wouldn’t be able to be nice to him, either. You said you can draw us the woman who did this to Grace?“

The man huffed, somewhat appeased.

“Sure. If you get me a pen and paper.“

“I can get her image directly from your memory,“ Castiel offered.

“No chance in Hell.“ The man paused. “And I should probably stop using that expression so lightly.“

Castiel shook his head. “The Lucifer in you has nothing to do with Hell.“

“Except his clone. Stop pushing his agenda.“

“He has no agenda, he barely has an existence!“

“Cas,“ Sam interrupted quietly. “Just stop.“

By now, the baby was outright crying. Gadreel would go to her, but he didn’t think it was wise. Even Liam began to stir. Fortunately her father picked her back up.

“The paper?“ he threw in their direction.

“I’ll find something,“ Castiel offered and took flight.

Gadreel divided his attention between his vessel, trying to gauge their well-being, and Sam, for the same reason. He found Sam looking back at him with the same concern. Startled, he smiled at him. He didn’t get a smile in return, but the tension in Sam’s shoulders uncoiled somewhat. It made him wonder if it was acceptable to go to him and entwine their hands, even though they didn’t have privacy and Castiel was about to return soon.

He was still deliberating when Castiel did, in fact, return, carrying a stack of papers and a handful of pens and pencils.

They moved one of the loose boards to the door as a makeshift table, Gadreel and Castiel holding it up at the right height. The man settled down carefully, the baby snoozing lightly in the crook of his elbow, and picked up a pen.

It wasn’t as easy to keep motionless as it should be, Gadreel soon realized. The urge to fidget and adjust his position almost all the time was strong, the human body overriding his angelic control.

He was more exhausted than he thought he was, it seemed. Still, he managed, watching in curiosity as the face of the woman took shape on paper. And so it did – he wasn’t a good judge, but he knew it took skill to draw well and most people never got far. The man didn’t hesitate, accentuating prominent features and adding depth with an ease that spoke of long practise.

Even Sam, when he glanced at him, looked impressed. Gadreel smiled to himself, glad he got one of the human intricacies right.

Perhaps he could learn to draw, too. Or sculpt. The prospect was daunting; he was a sentry, not a creator. And yet, he already enjoyed coaxing flowers to flourish, bloom and bear seed. It was tempting to outright create. Or maybe he could see it as discovering his own potential for a change.

What a thought.

“That’s it,“ the man announced.

Then he took another sheet of paper and wrote a number on it in large, sprawling handwriting.

“My number. Let me know when you take care of that hag. And anyone she works with.“

He left the paper on the board and got up, handling the baby as easily as if she was an extension of himself. She didn’t even stir, snuggled into him and fast asleep after her ordeal.

“We can help you-“ Sam began.

“Get rid of the problem and let me know. That’s all the help I want from you, ever.“

For a moment, it seemed Sam will simply accept it. Then he squared his shoulders.

“You wanted to be ready if anything comes after your family. You aren’t.“

The man froze halfway to the stroller, face turned away from them. When he moved again, it wasn’t nearly as brisk, but he didn’t respond.

“Do you know how the angels get us so easily to say yes?“ Sam continued.

“They play the harp irresistibly well?“ the man quipped, but it lacked heat.

“We share the same flaws. Ours is anger and pride. The conviction that we can make the world what we want it to be, and that we can do it on our own terms and show everyone who doubted us, even our own family. Especially family.“

The man turned to him, face tight.

“You are pretty far from my family.“

“And you know what I’m talking about anyway.“

“Fuck you.“

“This is how it will start. You’ve always had trouble accepting help and it will get worse. You’ll get angry more and more easily. You’ll convince yourself everybody is turning on you. Before you know it, it won’t matter what is you and what is Lucifer.“

“Then maybe you should’ve taken him in when you’re so wise!“

Sam visibly shook. Or maybe it was visible only to Gadreel.

“I couldn’t. Not again. Not for anything. And I don’t think I would handle it any better than you.“

The man’s lips twisted.

“Then why do you care? I’m not your charity case.“

“I just hope somebody can beat him at his own game.“

Gadreel could feel the Earth move as it circled the Sun while the man stood torn between fury and rationality. It was a piece of angelic senses he’d thought he’d lost forever under Thaddeus’s blade, together with so many other pieces that used to make him a true part of the Host. It was jarring more than welcome; he’d learned not to think about his losses long before the Fall. Something stirred in him where the roots of his wings should be, the urge to check on everything else missing only dulled by the man’s ground out, “Fine.“

He stared at them as if they were the enemy and he was throwing down his sword, but he did surrender to common sense.

“Fine,“ he repeated, more bitter. “Tell me how to protect my family.“

“It would be best if-“

“Don’t push your luck. Tell me.“

Sam steadied himself with an exhale.

“We aren’t sure what we’re dealing with. It could be a rogue angel, or a number of other things.“

“Start with defending against an angel,“ the man said, amusement so dark it was nearly indistinguishable making it into a dare.

“There are sigils,“ Sam started, “but most of them will be hard for you to use because you now need to consider yourself an angel. I’ll show you a few, though.“

“An archangel,“ Castiel corrected. “You will be able to use most of these sigils safely, because they don’t work on an archangel.“

“He’s weak,“ Sam argued. “They might.“

“No. It’s not a matter of power. It’s a quality of the grace that is different.“

Gadreel nodded his agreement. Uneasy, he wondered if it was the brief contact with Lucifer, unpleasant as it was, that made him more whole than before. Exhausted but more connected, more of an angel than he’s been since his imprisonment. Archangels were leaders, with authority over the Host only second to God. Perhaps that, too, was about more than just power, seniority or appointment.

Sam shrugged, accepting the new information, and went to sit at the makeshift table.

“I’ll show you, then,“ he repeated, already reaching for the remaining papers.

The man laid his baby carefully into the stroller and came back to them to learn.


	12. Chapter 12

“I have to report this,“ Cas said the moment Luke left them. He didn’t quite wait for their objections, but he didn’t outright vanish, either.

“To just Hannah, I guess?“

“Yes.“ Cas hesitated. “I’m not convinced this is the best solution for everyone. Including the child.“

Sam didn’t respond. He had nothing to say.

He fully expected Cas to leave, but the silence got longer.

“You know I wouldn’t ask you to take on Lucifer again, I hope. You did enough.“

Leave it to Cas to be compassionate at the worst possible time. Sam couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Luke will crash and burn, you know it as well as I do. I could have saved him.“

“You could have sacrificed yourself for him,“ Gadreel corrected. “I’m glad you didn’t.“

Two compassionate angels, now. It was a little too much.

“He has a life-“ He stopped himself there. Too late, of course.

“You have a life, too. You have people who depend on you, too. Who care for you. You are valuable.“

“I know, Cas. Sorry.“

And he did know, perhaps with the exception of the last. At least most of the times. It just wasn’t easy to remember, or to consider it important enough, face to face with a horror like Lucifer.

Somehow, he managed to look at Cas, now, trying to convey- something, probably trustworthiness or confidence, although he suspected he simply looked sheepish. Either way, Cas either accepted it or accepted that any further attempt at reassuring him would be counterproductive, and finally flew away.

Sam shook his head and refused to think about himself any further.

“How are you? He’s your enemy, too.“

Not even in the gloom of the shed he could miss that Gadreel flinched a bit, possibly still startled by anyone showing concern for him. But he recovered well.

“He’s also my brother,“ he said softly.

“That doesn’t make things easier.“

Gadreel took the point with a graceful nod, then gave a smile so small Sam wasn’t quite sure it was there.

“The Lucifer I knew would have hated becoming this. I shouldn’t find it satisfying, but I do.“ He paused there, hovering over a trail of thought Sam couldn’t follow, until his expression softened in concern. “At the same time, it makes it very easy to understand they are two different angels. I’m worried for this one. I wish I was strong enough to take care of him.“

And just like that, within the space of three sentences, he went from delightfully, humanly imperfect back to angelic. Or he would have, if it wasn’t for the shame beneath the end of that statement. Sam had no idea what to say. He had even less of an idea when Gadreel followed with a musing, earnest, “Perhaps I should make an effort to understand the same about- Teddy.“

And that, that made him human again. The pain, the fear, the willingness to grow beyond both.

It occured to Sam rather belatedly that he has more options than just talking. He crossed the distance between them and took Gadreel’s hands. The brief kiss that followed seemed like such a natural extension of that gesture that he didn’t even realize they had never kissed before until he saw Gadreel’s wide-eyed surprise.

“Sorry. You are incredible.“

He managed to confuse the other, apparently.

“Incredible in..?“

Sam smiled, he couldn’t help himself.

“You forgive far too much.“

He meant it as a compliment. He wasn’t sure it was received as such.

“I could say the same to you.“

“It works for us, doesn’t it?“

Suddenly he had a pair of eyes on him, painfully uncertain.

“It works for me, yes,“ Gadreel confirmed.

Sam squeezed his hands.

“Then it’s good.“

Relief hit him, although it was still guilty. Lucifer was back in the game, there was a man possessed, but it wasn’t any of them. They had space to deal with this, all their wits intact. Neither of them had to second-guess their every thought, or the others’ actions.

“I need to try something,“ Gadreel said, quiet and worried.

“What?“

“I think- Could I try it first and explain then? I promise it won’t touch you.“

“Okay.“

Gadreel let go of him and stepped back, focusing. He took a deep breath and-

So little happened. It was like a distant storm. The air changed, just barely. There was something like a lightning, just a hint of it. Shadows shifting, breeze carrying in the smell of dew and growth and new beginnings.

Gadreel opened his eyes. Not impressive in the slightest, but what he lacked in power, he had tenfold in sheer awe.

“My wings. They don’t hurt.“

The boundless wonder in that one simple statement was breathtakingly painful.

“It was the first thing they took away from me, after the Garden,“ he continued as if he simply couldn’t stop talking, couldn’t hold in the miracle. Begging Sam to comprehend how vast it was. “I was so sure I’d never fly again. But I might. One day, I might.“

“That’s good,“ Sam managed, afraid his voice would break on anything longer. He recovered fast, though. “I guess it makes sense. The way Cas put it, every piece of grace contains the potential of a whole angel-“

He almost choked on the implications.

“Living grace,“ Gadreel corrected softly. “You don’t have to worry.“

Sam just blinked and nodded, trying to come out of the fright.

“I think the remnant fades after a very short time, too,“ Gadreel pressed on. Focusing on him even after finding out something as profound as his wings growing back, because of course he did. “When I met you again, after, there was nothing of me left. Nothing I could feel. You are clean.”

He didn’t know. And it was unnecessary to tell him. To tell him about the fury, about being willing to endure anything, even risk his life, just to get the last bit of him _out_.

Even now, he was glad he did it. He had changed his opinion on Gadreel since then, but it didn’t make him feel better about the violation. That didn’t mean he had to rub it in Gadreel’s face.

“Thanks,“ he said, and he meant it. “So, any idea how long till you recover?“

Gadreel smiled.

“No. Years at least, I think. I’m sorry, I know that’s not useful for the hunt.“

He didn’t look very sorry, which was good.

“That’s fine.“

He wished he could bask in the moment for a while longer. Maybe go for another movie; he’d since loaded his drive with a few more classics. Perhaps even kiss some more, once he knew where he stood with Gadreel and Liam both.

“We should check on the kids at the daycare,“ he said instead. “I think the woman Luke described might be the same we’ve seen coming in earlier.“

He regretted it instantly when Gadreel’s expression clouded, tension returning, but it couldn’t be helped.

“Let’s go.“

 

The kids were sleeping when they got back, the teachers happy to catch a breath and prepare for afternoon activities. They weren’t very keen on talking. Sam considered whipping out his FBI badge, but the woman was long gone and he doubted she’d left a contact. Nobody looked particularly shaken, frazzled or angry, so whatever she did there, it probably flew under the radar anyway.

Their best bet was still to watch Grace, wait for when the woman would check on how well Lucifer took in her. He was, far as they knew, her first attempt at raising any big player. Sam didn’t believe for a second she or somebody she worked with weren’t going to check. He had tried to point it out to Luke, but the man hadn’t budged; he wanted nothing to do with them.

Luckily, Luke was going to need to keep picking his stepson up from the daycare, so they knew where to find him.

Also luckily, he didn’t know Dean’s face.

 

The children seemed fine when they finally were let outside again after sleep. Gadreel didn’t dare to reveal himself too much, he didn’t want them to try and flock to him despite the fence between them, but far as he could tell, all their angels were still intact and the children weren’t distressed.

To Gadreel’s chagrin, Liam had to come up and remind him to go walk Growl. It wasn’t easy to leave his post, not even for less than an hour and to fulfill another duty, but Sam made it easier. He promised to keep watch and to warn Lena and Denise about the woman if they come before Gadreel’s return.

Liam fell back once it was clear Growl won’t go unattended, almost too deep to reach. Gadreel brushed against him anyway, wordless concern and support in one. Liam didn’t shy away from him, which was, in itself, a reassurance.

After a while, he floated nearer.

_I’m fine. Just need to process all this._

Gadreel nodded, but then stopped just past the entrance to their apartment complex, the door rattling closed behind him.

_I overrode you earlier._ He nearly forgot, again. Possibly his vessel did, too, in the light of everything that happened after, but he didn’t want them to think he took it lightly. Even though there was very little he could say about it.

He could feel Liam’s shrug.

_You were facing Lucifer. I don’t blame you._ A pause. _How do you feel?_

Gadreel gave it due thought.

_Shaken. Renewed._ To take a breath to gather courage felt as natural as flight once was. _Lucifer gave me back my wings. They’re very weak, but healthy. They will get stronger in time._

He could feel Liam attuning to the emotions behind his statement, and for once, he let him. It was easier than try to explain. Liam’s touch was soft and not too sure.

_You suspect some kind of foul play?_

_It’s more complicated than that._

_Yeah, I got that much,_ Liam agreed dryly. _If it wasn’t an attempt at manipulation, what was it?_

Gadreel sighed and sunk deeper to talk to Liam directly. The man appeared to him sitting in their shared space on a so far non-existent couch. He seemed not fully there as if his own issues kept dragging him down, but for the time being he determinedly paid attention.

Gadreel would feel guilty for it, but in Liam’s place he’d need to understand before he could rest, too.

“Lucifer wasn’t aware enough for manipulation. He acted on instinct when he acted at all. What he did to me probably wasn’t even instinct, just his nature coming into contact with mine.“

“So what’s the problem?“

Gadreel’s greatest problem at that moment was to find human words for what was so intrinsically angelic it didn’t have a direct translation.

“He’s my brother, my enemy, and my superior.“

Liam merely narrowed his eyes, more fully present now.

“He’s an archangel,“ Gadreel tried once more, quickly running out of explanations. “Liam, I had been once a class immediately below them, almost as strong as them, but even if I was at my best and Lucifer was the seed he is now, he’d still have power over me. I could destroy him but I couldn’t change him the way he changed me just by coming close. I’m grateful for my wings, but I’m also-“ Terrified. “Reminded of what archangels are. What angels are. We were never meant to have as much free will as you. We can be shaped, brought into the fold, made to work together like pieces of a machine. I swear, back when I thought I was doing exactly what I was meant to do, it felt good. It was euphoria. Belonging.“

He paused there, desperate to see if he was understood, as insufficient as the words were. Liam looked worried and soft, accepting without judgment or confusion, and that had to be enough.

“I’m weak now,“ Gadreel continued. “Lucifer will come into awareness of himself in an adult vessel much sooner than if he stayed in the baby. Much faster than I will regain my strength. What happens the next time we meet?“

Liam pondered it. Gadreel could feel him, the undercurrents of thought, the protectiveness and stability that mirrored the best of his own nature and made him so fitting as a vessel.

“If it’s so easy for an archangel to change an angel, why did you spend so much time in prison? Why didn’t one of the other archangels just come and correct whatever they thought was wrong with you?“

Gadreel felt the familiar coldness of memories spike through him.

“They probably thought I was swayed too far by Lucifer and I couldn’t come back until I repented.“

“How could you repent of something somebody else did to you?“

Gadreel truly wished he could push the whole concept at him, instead of just words and emotion.

“It wouldn’t have been possession. Just influence revealing a weakness, a fault in me that made me vulnerable to Lucifer and prevented me from fulfilling my duty. They expected me to admit to it.“

Liam stared at him for a moment, then hung his head, shaking it.

“So the concept of sin comes from angels. You are weak, so you have to welcome the guiding hand of somebody above you, an archangel or God, to make you right. And in the meantime, you’re made to suffer. Not for what you did, because that isn’t quite your fault, but because torture apparently makes you more receptive to the great grace and mercy of your superiors.“

Gadreel blinked at the quiet venom in that speech, then shrugged cautiously.

“I never repented.“

He reminded himself that Liam didn’t know, never asked, what happened that day in the Garden. It made his strong reaction barely understandable.

“I would have, I think,“ he pressed forward, one carefully laid out word at a time, “if all they blamed me for was failing my duty. That I couldn’t deny. But they – Thaddeus, but I never learned whether it was his own idea or something that came from above him – insisted I hated humanity, knowingly betrayed my post and our Father. None of which was true. What I did, I did out of love and foolish pride, but never out of hatred, or even lack of care.“

He said something right, it seemed, because the venom was gone, replaced by a sort of troubled compassion.

“You know you don’t have to defend yourself to me, right?“

“I’m not afraid to. You’re like Sam, you wouldn’t exchange your life for Paradise no matter how hard it gets, so I know you would forgive me even though my mistake had cost you Eden. And you still accept me, even though you know about other mistakes I made out of good intentions. You already know I’m not pure.“

Liam smiled.

“I wouldn’t know what to do with someone pure. You wouldn’t fit in.“

Gadreel nodded, satisfied. Liam leaned forward.

“What I meant to say before we became distracted, it’s not so easy to sway you, is it? Lucifer tricked you, he didn’t make you into a loyal follower even though I bet he would have liked it. And the other archangels who thought you did follow Lucifer also thought they can’t turn you back until you want them to, so they didn’t even try. I’d say you have more free will than you think.“

“He still changed me.“

“He healed you. That’s not the same as changing who you are and what you stand for.“

Gadreel shook his head.

“We aren’t physical the way you are, Liam. There isn’t the distinction between body and soul. It wasn’t physical healing, he already shifted who I am by making me more whole – more of who I used to be.“

“But you were supposed to grow whole, weren’t you? Every fragment of an angel contains the whole angel. You were supposed to get there.“

“Not so fast, apparently.“

“Or you kept yourself back until Lucifer challenged you in the right way.“

Gadreel stiffened. Liam hunched his shoulders.

“Sorry. That was uncalled for. I really don’t know enough about angels to judge.“

But he didn’t, Gadreel noticed, take the words back.

“You believe you are right anyway.“

Liam sighed.

“Just suspect.”

Gadreel shifted.

”What do you suspect?“

“That you got so used to seeing yourself as irreparably damaged that you didn’t allow yourself to heal.“ Liam hesitated minutely. “At the very least.“

“And at the very most?“

Liam considered him, then sighed.

“It’s just a possibility,“ he repeated. “Nothing I’m sure about, and not your fault either way. But I suspect you don’t think you deserve to heal. That you came out of that cell more for our sake than yours. And you’re so happy with what you have with us, so grateful, that you won’t risk shifting the balance by becoming who you are. Or wouldn’t, until Lucifer came along and forced or challenged you to.“

Gadreel found he has nothing to say. Not a protest, not an affirmation. As Liam said, it was an option, nothing more. Nothing less, either. Something to think about.

“Could be just a projection,“ Liam shrugged after a moment. “It always took me way too long to move on from anything. Though in my case it was for the best, in the end. She never said it out loud, but I think that for a while there, my therapist had wanted me to move on from David. To be fair, he probably really had been little more than my guilt at the time.“

Gadreel wondered if it’s possible to be as trapped by gratefulness as by guilt.

“Would you… If I could move on, leaving you as stable as you are with my presence, would you want me gone?“

“No.“ There was no hesitation. More importantly, there was no defensiveness, just honesty. “Gadreel, having us stable isn’t just your angelic powers playing medication. I trust you. I trust you to be aware when I’m not. I trust you to have senses I don’t have. When did you last see me check the whole apartment for intruders and changes?“

Gadreel smiled.

“Before we got Growl.“

Liam stopped short, taken aback, then reluctantly returned the smile, shaking his head.

“Okay, then you’re both helping. The point is, Jay is company but she is different. She’s my advisor, my sister, but she fights on the inside. Outside, she’s more trouble than she’s help, or at least used to be. You, you are a fellow warrior. She’s guarding our backs but you’re standing by my side. Or maybe by both our sides, for all I know. Sure, unscrewing all that chemical bullshit in our brains and keeping it unscrewed helps, but you can’t replace yourself with it.“

Gadreel was still basking in the warmth of being welcome when Liam added, “That doesn’t mean you can’t leave if you want to. I’m not that selfish. All I ask is that you warn us this time, okay?“

“I don’t want to leave,“ Gadreel told him. “You are right that I’m comfortable here. With you. Perhaps with- Sam. That isn’t going to change easily. I’m- Castiel told me something once, and I think he was right. I’m a Sentry, I was made to be stationed alone. Or rather, in other company than that of my own kind. I’m more connected to Creation now, under Lucifer’s influence. There should be a pull to reconnect with the Host, too, but there’s not. Perhaps with Castiel, now that we’re somewhat more equal, but Castiel is- I’d still want to be closer to him if he was human, because he’s _Castiel_.“

He wasn’t sure if he made sense with the last, but Liam smiled.

“See? Not even an archangel can wave a magic wand and make you fall in line. I’d say don’t worry about it. You’re stuck with us for the time being and you’re still yourself. We’ll take on the rest as it comes.“

“You’re probably right,“ Gadreel allowed after some consideration.

“Think it through. We’ll return to it later.“

Gadreel only blinked, then nodded, somewhat ashamed. Of course Liam could tell avoidance from acceptance.

“I do think you’re probably right,“ he repated, a little firmer. I just need to-“

He stopped himself. Liam gave him a crooked smile.

“-think it through,“ he finished for him. “Let it all settle. It’s been a shock.”

“Yes.“

“Take your time. I need to do the same, too.“

Suddenly, he looked tired; Gadreel belatedly remembered he’d only kept himself there to handle the unexpected crisis Gadreel presented him with.

“Of course. I’m sorry.“ He hesitated. “Do you think Jay is fine?“

Liam refocused.

“You tell me. She fell back too fast. I wanted to go looking for her, just in case, but knowing her, she’s too deep for me.“

“I don’t believe Lucifer hurt her. He never got to her,“ Gadreel replied. “But she is probably overwhelmed. He was intense, even for me.“

“Sounds about right,“ Liam sighed. “I’ll keep an eye out for her. You handle the outside for a while, alright? Fish me out if you need me.“

Gadreel nodded, grateful for the show of trust.

Liam faded from the common space like falling into deep water.

 

Three hours later found Gadreel tentatively preparing sandwiches while Sam sat immersed in research at the kitchen table, the silence between them strangely comfortable.

Maybe it was only strange to Gadreel. Sometimes he felt like his nature made him lag behind, held back by a past all the fast-paced humans in his life left behind with ease.

Perhaps Liam was right. Lucifer was the Morningstar after all, the archangel of new beginnings, never content with the status quo. Perhaps all he did, all he could do in his instinctive state, was to make Gadreel look at himself in a new light, just for a moment. To make him who he could be without the shadows cast by his imprisonment.

“I think I have her,” Sam announced suddenly. “Mary Goldammer. Retired nurse, went missing over four years ago. That was during Raphael’s attempt to restart the Apocalypse. I think she really is an angel. One who, um, managed to avoid Cas afterwards. Or pretended to be on his side.“

He turned his laptop towards Gadreel so that he saw the missing person report for himself. The attached photo was eerily similar to the picture Luke had drawn, although it somehow appeared less alive.

“I see.“

“She might try to raise Michael next. To have her showdown. Could be why she seems to be raising all the other angels, no matter whose side they were on. It wouldn’t be an Apocalypse if the Devil didn’t stand a chance.“

Gadreel frowned. Something about that theory didn’t sit well with him.

Sam made the laptop face him again, clicking away. What he was researching further, Gadreel didn’t know, but it gave him a chance to think.

“The Apocalypse was supposed to happen long after most of Lucifer’s supporters were already dead.“

“He still had enough to break the seals.“

“Yes, but-“ He had Sam’s full attention now. It didn’t help him focus. “At some point, she’d have to kidnap both Lucifer and Michael, make them hate each other. For the Apocalypse to happen, they would have to be willing to fight each other, and they would have to have the forces of Heaven and Hell behind them. I don’t see how that could happen.“

“She could have Luke abducted by demons,“ Sam suggested grimly. “Wouldn’t be the first time Heaven made Hell’s job easier to get the Apocalypse going. The new Lucifer shows he’s a threat, the rest of Heaven will close ranks against him.“

“It wouldn’t happen in your lifetime.“

Sam shrugged. “Still a much shorter game than the first one.“

Two realizations hit Gadreel at once. First, that Sam still cared, even though what he feared wouldn’t happen until long after his death – and second, that Sam would die long before him.

It shouldn’t have been a new thought, but it was. Perhaps it was because until now, Gadreel was too weak to survive his vessel’s death. He was too weak to even let them forgo sleep, much less stop them from aging. He was still weak now, but now he could see himself fully recovering in due time. In time for Liam, Jay and David, unless they wanted to be released. Perhaps even in time to keep Sam (and Dean, because neither of them was good at living without the other), but to keep Sam would be to give him an eternal duty, because neither of the hunters was good at resting, either.

Humans weren’t made to hold a post eternally, even if they chose it themselves.

Sam looked up at him, somehow disturbed by his silence.

“What is it?“

Gadreel didn’t respond, didn’t know how. Sam frowned slightly, but he was giving him time, as patient with him as his humanity allowed him.

“Gadreel.“

So beautiful. So strong. So transient.

Stubborn, too. He wasn’t going to let Gadreel get away without a reply.

“I’ve lost everything I had thought I’d keep forever,“ Gadreel said, troubled. “My post. My brothers and sisters. My wings. My belief in myself. Now I already know I will lose you someday soon, through your mortality if not by my own mistake. How do I hold you without binding you? How do I cherish you without protecting you more than you want me to?“

Sam’s gaze skipped away from him, away and down. Gadreel fought the sinking feeling that he’s been too open, in an area where he’d already misstepped once and too severely.

“Gadreel- Where do we stand? The two of us and Liam? And the others?“

Oh.

“That is… difficult to say.”

“Try?“

“What do you want?“

Stalemate. He could see it in Sam’s eyes, in the defensive hunch of his shoulders.

“I could draw Liam out for you, but I don’t think he knows, either,“ Gadreel explained gently. “It’s too new for all of us.“

Sam looked away again, then ran his hand through his hair.

“I’ve read up a bit. On DID. It didn’t help as much as I’d hoped. Besides, there’s you, someone really separate.“

“I’m not.“

Sam frowned at him, the groove between his eyebrows a blatant question mark.

“I was until my sacrifice, but I’m merged with the soul now.“ It could change, thanks to Lucifer, but he kept that possibility to himself. “I don’t know if it’s recognizable from the outside. I don’t know if I’ve changed, and I don’t expect leniency regarding my past crimes if I did, but everything I am influences all parts of the soul much more directly now. I’m influenced in turn. If I was less prideful, or less concerned about what it would do to the others, I could let go of all the boundaries I keep and dissolve fully.“

Sam stared at him for a long, silent, uncomfortable while. Luckily, there were escapes human bodies and their necessities provided. Gadreel turned around, pulled a plate down and handed Sam one of the finished sandwiches. Not as rich in vegetables as Sam really liked, but the best he could make from what he had.

At the very least it gave Sam the excuse to break eye contact.

“Thanks.“

“You’re welcome.“ Gadreel took another plate and bit into his own sandwich, facing Sam again. Leaving him to his thoughts and to his food.

They really needed to hunt for a second chair. It wasn’t a bother to keep upright, but it had to be awkward to Sam.

“Sometimes I can’t tell where you end and Liam begins,“ Sam confessed, seemingly occupied with his meal even though he hasn’t tasted it yet. After some time, it occured to Gadreel that was about as much as he intended to say.

“We are the most similar,“ he nodded.

Another silence stretched between them, until Sam shook his head in frustration.

“Gadreel, I can’t move forward until I know what I’m doing. When I kissed you earlier, was that fine with you? Was it fine with Liam? And what are the others thinking? I can’t go out with a teenager.“

Gadreel blinked slowly, only just starting to comprehend what Sam is getting at.

“It was fine with me. The others weren’t there and don’t know it happened, yet.“

The brief look of relief and shame he saw on Sam’s face before he hid it from view again confirmed his suspicion.

“Liam, I believe,“ he continued after some deliberation, “hasn’t decided yet whether the concept of jealousy should apply to the rest of us.“

Sam looked back up at him, mute, the sandwich forgotten in his hands.

“Jealousy isn’t easy to understand for me, Sam,“ Gadreel admitted. “The capacity for it is what sets Lucifer and many of his followers apart from the Host. The need to be the most important, most loved; the expectation that affection should somehow be reserved to one, or a chosen few. When you kiss me, it belongs to all of us, at least in my view. Once, it would have belonged to the whole Host, to God and possibly the rest of Creation. I wish I still had-“ He stopped short, reminded of the Earth turning, of the pull of the Sun, the stars dotted across the edges of his perception. “I’m regaining that kind of connection,“ he corrected himself. “At least to Creation.“

He lost the option to read Sam’s expression again, but this time, he knew him enough.

“Feeling differently doesn’t make you evil. It’s just something I need to remember to take into consideration, because it doesn’t come naturally to me. If you want to show affection to both me and Liam, or anybody else among us or outside, that’s perfectly fine with me. I can’t promise you it will be fine with Liam, and I don’t think I should tell you if I knew. Liam isn’t aware right now, they are all recovering from the encounter with Lucifer. Maybe we should wait for them with this?“

“Yeah,“ Sam said softly.

The tension was still there, which was a pity.

“If it helps, I don’t think David is interested in you in any sensual or romantic way. I think I’m allowed to tell you this much. I believe he will be relieved he doesn’t have to tell you himself. There’s more, but that I’m not sure I can share.“

Sam nodded, relaxing a little.

“That’s okay. This is enough. Can you block him, so he doesn’t witness anything he doesn’t want to?“

“Of course, if he ever needs my help with it.“

“Sounds good to me. Thanks.“

After a little more time, Gadreel bit into his sandwich experimentally. Without the help of the others, it didn’t taste all that different from breathing, but as he had hoped, it reminded Sam of his own food. He didn’t seem to particularly enjoy it, either, but he did eat it. In Sam Winchester’s world, as Gadreel knew, that was more than enough of a compliment to his culinary skills.

He didn’t say anything about Gadreel’s dilemma, but maybe that was a mercy.

Growl woke up from a nap and started looking for trouble after the too short walk he’s had, so Gadreel sat down with him and engaged him in a game of fetch and tug-of-war, leaving Sam to his research.

After a while, Sam sat down across from him and joined in. Claws skittering on the linoleum floor that had history as extensive as it was monotonous, the little dog chased his ball with unbridled enthusiasm, making Sam smile.

Gadreel wasn’t fooled. The smile was too small, too thoughtful.

“Can you promise to let me choose every time you want to protect me? Every time you want to keep me, can you promise you will let me go if I ask you to?“

The correct answer was obvious. That was what made giving a honest answer so difficult. Not because the honest answer was necessarily the wrong one, but because it was tempting to just say what Sam wanted to hear without thinking it through.

They exchanged the ball a few more times, until Growl caught it and trotted a victorious figure eight around them, tempting them to try and snatch it back.

“If there’s time to let you choose,“ Gadreel said at last. “I know I’d harm and lose you anyway if I didn’t. But I’m always going to save your life if you can’t choose for yourself. And I suspect I’m always going to try and convince you to stay if I have the chance.“

The smile Sam quirked was halfway between bittersweet and exasperated.

“Wouldn’t expect anything less from you.“

Growl, disappointed by the lack of attention, lay down his ball and came to sniff at Gadreel’s hands. Gadreel gently scratched behind his ears. When he looked up again, he caught Sam with about the softest expression he’s ever seen on the man.

“Does that mean it is acceptable?“ he couldn’t help but ask.

“Yes, it’s fine.“

A conclusion. Who would have thought?

Of course it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t easy to give that promise, and it was going to be even harder to keep it. But he was allowed to care. He was allowed to protect and he was allowed to argue, hopefully without being blamed for the past, or suspected he’d once more resort to foul play if he doesn’t get his way.

Growl moved over to Sam for more scritches and cuddles, giving Gadreel an opportunity to watch them: the resilient little dog letting his pack grow, and the man whose darkness allegedly didn’t let him forgive, but who rose from the ashes every time anyway, building a life for himself from bits and pieces like a jeweller crafting his masterpiece from precious stones that had survived the fire.

Sam looked up at him and ducked his head again, blushing under whatever it was he saw in Gadreel’s gaze.

“I’m glad,“ Gadreel said, and left it at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, the wait between chapters is getting longer and longer. Right now that’s because I have a six weeks old baby at home (third one, because I’m both insane and blessed). Sadly, I haven’t yet gathered enough presence of mind to write during the rare free moments I have. Heck, it took me the whole six weeks to find the time to post a finished chapter. I’m sorry.  
> I’m sure you all have read enough writer’s comments that promised that they aren’t giving up and will definitely update, only to see it was the last posted chapter for a year, so I won’t do that. Do know that crazy times with a newborn are bound to pass, though. Eventually :)  
> Until then, have a great time!

**Author's Note:**

> As always, feedback will be treasured! (Criticism as well.)


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